This is the last thing I need
Your pupils are the last part of your body that stops working when you die.
They dilate.
I'm not a dad, this is not my joke.
I took my family to the zoo last weekend, but all they had were dogs!
Do you know Yoda had a last name?
It was Layheehoo
Edit: thank you sooo much for so many awards. Made my day.
I was in the bar last night when the waitress yells "Does anyone know CPR?"
I yelled back "I know all those letters!" Everyone laughed, well except this one guy.
I confused the word Jacuzzi with Yakuza last week...
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia...
A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....
When I was young my mom would tear out the last page of all my comics. She wouldn't tell me why.
I had to draw my own conclusions.
What's the last thing to go through the mind of a fly when it hits a windscreen?
I helped my wife drain the pasta last night...
Last week my daughter asked me for the new iPhone.
I said, you can only have one of those, if you get good grades, do your chores and follow house rules.
If you don't, it will be a much cheaper phone.
Basically, its my way or the Huwaei....
I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...
The little shit used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.
The police turned up at my house last night and arrested my dog!
Turns out he has unpaid barking tickets
It wasn't much fun last year having a broken neck.
But at least now I can look back and laugh.
Woke up last night to a commotion coming from the refrigerator...
I opened it and Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg started blasting out of it. I asked my wife, "Did you buy some green onions today?"
"Yeah," she said. "Why?"
"I think you picked up a couple of rapscallions."
I slept on the wrong side of the bed last night…
Still can’t figure out how I fit under it.
I was rushed to the ER last night after I swallowed 8 plastic horses.
They said my condition is stable.
It was raining cats and dogs last night and someone told you as you left the house,
"Watch out, you might step in a Poodle!"
The last thing my grandfather told me was "It's worth spending money on good speakers."
That was some sound advice.
A truck hit a bull that was crossing the road last night.
I saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor last night
First I was afraid, I was petrified
6 strands of Kurt Cobain’s hair sold at auction in the last month for $14,000. You’d think it would have a very musty odor.
But really, it just smells like teen spirit.
For a holiday last year, my father took us to a narrow inlet in the ocean, where we had a good time...
Last night I dreamt a pun so bad it woke me up.
Last night I dreamt I was turning my handwriting into a custom font.
It started out normal with basic straight lines but by “Z” it had become a very ornate and filigreed design, reminiscent of the designs of monks in old bibles.
Someone watching me work then asked me what the font was called.
I responded: What’s a monk’s favourite font?
They shook their head and shrugged.
Me: MonastArial!
I started laughing but only received an exasperated sigh in return.
Me: Wait, I’ve got another one. How about GaraMonk? 🤣
Ahhhhnd I woke myself up because I was laughing so hard at my own joke and had to look up of Monastarial was a real word. It is.
On my last day of vacation, I said goodbye to the ocean...
I've been trying to lose weight lately. I spent the last hour running around the cemetery but I had to stop because my arm and chest were really hurting...
I'm feeling dead tired now, I really hope they have a good resting place.
Last time I went on vacation, the security person at customs asked me if I have any criminal convictions.
I didn't know that was a requirement.
Every morning for the last 6 months I've announced loudly that I'm going for a jog. Then didn't....
I made the mistake of having a beer while doing my calculus homework last night...
I got in trouble for drinking and deriving.
I was tying my wife to the bed last night for sexy time. I was having trouble getting the rope tied so she started to tease me. I said "can you not!"
She responded: idk, can you knot?
I've never been more proud to be married to her.
Why is the second to last pen always the best one in the box?
Because it's the penultimate
Last night I experimented cooking some Ribeyes with cannabis oil.
I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. “How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. “Nothing” I slurred. “Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
My doctor says that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go.
Last Christmas, all I wanted was the gift of good grammar.
But God doesn't listen properly, does he? He just Sent a Clause.
Last winter, we went to a pool inside a hotel but we weren’t allowed to use the accessories worn on the feet to help us swim...
we felt bad and unhappy when the attendant said “no indoor fins!”
I played slow pitch for the first time in a couple years last night and this morning I woke up super stiff.
My body was really sore as well!
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night
My dealer got me the last of this in-demand strain called Death Star.
He says I'm lucky before he Alderaan out.
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo
It was great. She’s a keeper.
Yk what the last thing my grandpa told me before he kicked the bucket?
“Watch how far I can kick this bucket!”
A Russian man was killed last May when his wife sat on his face during an argument.
He died of ass-phyxiation.
What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it crashes into your windscreen?
When you die, what part of the body dies last?
The pupils....they dilate.
Which part of your body is the last thing to die?
I wasn't much fun last year having a broken neck..
But at least now I can look back and laugh..
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