This is the last thing I need
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/discovid19
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2021
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Your pupils are the last part of your body that stops working when you die.

They dilate.

I'm not a dad, this is not my joke.

πŸ‘︎ 68
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2021
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The Last Sucka.
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awesome_smokey
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
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I took my family to the zoo last weekend, but all they had were dogs!

It was a real Shih Tzu.

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2003gts
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2021
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Do you know Yoda had a last name?

It was Layheehoo

Edit: thank you sooo much for so many awards. Made my day.

πŸ‘︎ 829
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pretend-Genius
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2021
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I was in the bar last night when the waitress yells "Does anyone know CPR?"

I yelled back "I know all those letters!" Everyone laughed, well except this one guy.

πŸ‘︎ 375
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PensionNo8124
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
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I confused the word Jacuzzi with Yakuza last week...

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia...

πŸ‘︎ 167
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WittyPipe69
πŸ“…︎ May 20 2021
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A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night....

..... oof !!

πŸ‘︎ 8k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
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When I was young my mom would tear out the last page of all my comics. She wouldn't tell me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

πŸ‘︎ 150
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BellaLugosisChips
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2021
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What's the last thing to go through the mind of a fly when it hits a windscreen?

Its butt

πŸ‘︎ 67
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lundierpants
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2021
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I helped my wife drain the pasta last night...

Sieve-alry is not dead.

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sjmaeff
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2021
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Last week my daughter asked me for the new iPhone.

I said, you can only have one of those, if you get good grades, do your chores and follow house rules.

If you don't, it will be a much cheaper phone.

Basically, its my way or the Huwaei....

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2021
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I was walking home last night through the park, when this scary looking kid drew a knife on me...

The little shit used a permanent marker and it was a bastard to wash it off.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2021
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The police turned up at my house last night and arrested my dog!

Turns out he has unpaid barking tickets

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/batchyyyyy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2021
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It wasn't much fun last year having a broken neck.

But at least now I can look back and laugh.

πŸ‘︎ 363
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2021
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Woke up last night to a commotion coming from the refrigerator...

I opened it and Dr. Dre and Snoop Dogg started blasting out of it. I asked my wife, "Did you buy some green onions today?"

"Yeah," she said. "Why?"

"I think you picked up a couple of rapscallions."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XenoSean
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2021
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I slept on the wrong side of the bed last night…

Still can’t figure out how I fit under it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/supercman99
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2021
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I was rushed to the ER last night after I swallowed 8 plastic horses.

They said my condition is stable.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DylansDad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2021
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It was raining cats and dogs last night and someone told you as you left the house,

"Watch out, you might step in a Poodle!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ncarlton43
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2021
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The last thing my grandfather told me was "It's worth spending money on good speakers."

That was some sound advice.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ivanshu
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2021
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A truck hit a bull that was crossing the road last night.

He got t-boned.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/philzang
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2021
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I saw the ghost of Gloria Gaynor last night

First I was afraid, I was petrified

πŸ‘︎ 350
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MuseMan_82
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2021
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6 strands of Kurt Cobain’s hair sold at auction in the last month for $14,000. You’d think it would have a very musty odor.

But really, it just smells like teen spirit.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shua_mc
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2021
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For a holiday last year, my father took us to a narrow inlet in the ocean, where we had a good time...

He said Merry Isthmus!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2021
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Last night I dreamt a pun so bad it woke me up.

Last night I dreamt I was turning my handwriting into a custom font.

It started out normal with basic straight lines but by β€œZ” it had become a very ornate and filigreed design, reminiscent of the designs of monks in old bibles.

Someone watching me work then asked me what the font was called.

I responded: What’s a monk’s favourite font?

They shook their head and shrugged.

Me: MonastArial!

I started laughing but only received an exasperated sigh in return.

Me: Wait, I’ve got another one. How about GaraMonk? 🀣

Ahhhhnd I woke myself up because I was laughing so hard at my own joke and had to look up of Monastarial was a real word. It is.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diablo_girl
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2021
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On my last day of vacation, I said goodbye to the ocean...

...and it waved back!!

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shaborsh
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2021
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I've been trying to lose weight lately. I spent the last hour running around the cemetery but I had to stop because my arm and chest were really hurting...

I'm feeling dead tired now, I really hope they have a good resting place.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/THPSROCKS
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2021
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Last time I went on vacation, the security person at customs asked me if I have any criminal convictions.

I didn't know that was a requirement.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAzrael2013
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2021
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Every morning for the last 6 months I've announced loudly that I'm going for a jog. Then didn't....

It's a running joke.

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2021
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I made the mistake of having a beer while doing my calculus homework last night...

I got in trouble for drinking and deriving.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/leparr
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
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I was tying my wife to the bed last night for sexy time. I was having trouble getting the rope tied so she started to tease me. I said "can you not!"

She responded: idk, can you knot?

I've never been more proud to be married to her.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/peejay95
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2021
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Why is the second to last pen always the best one in the box?

Because it's the penultimate

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WatercressLlama
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Last night I experimented cooking some Ribeyes with cannabis oil.

The steaks were high

πŸ‘︎ 29
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AquamarineCheetah
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2021
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I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all. β€œHow much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me. β€œNothing” I slurred. β€œLook at me!” she shouted. β€œIt’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”

I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled, β€œIt’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2020
🚨︎ report
My doctor says that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go.

Because they dilate.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Last Christmas, all I wanted was the gift of good grammar.

But God doesn't listen properly, does he? He just Sent a Clause.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dark_Warhead3
πŸ“…︎ Jun 10 2021
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Last winter, we went to a pool inside a hotel but we weren’t allowed to use the accessories worn on the feet to help us swim...

we felt bad and unhappy when the attendant said β€œno indoor fins!”

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dubaidadjokes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2021
🚨︎ report
I played slow pitch for the first time in a couple years last night and this morning I woke up super stiff.

My body was really sore as well!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheTommyGooner14
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night

But I will recover.

πŸ‘︎ 311
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Such-Fig-3879
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
🚨︎ report
My dealer got me the last of this in-demand strain called Death Star.

He says I'm lucky before he Alderaan out.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ“…︎ May 31 2021
🚨︎ report
I went on a date last night with a girl from the zoo

It was great. She’s a keeper.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Yk what the last thing my grandpa told me before he kicked the bucket?

β€œWatch how far I can kick this bucket!”

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/godspeed987
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2021
🚨︎ report
A Russian man was killed last May when his wife sat on his face during an argument.

He died of ass-phyxiation.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickflip2indy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2021
🚨︎ report
What’s the last thing that goes through a bug’s mind when it crashes into your windscreen?

Its butt!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bic_Parker
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2021
🚨︎ report
When you die, what part of the body dies last?

The pupils....they dilate.

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Which part of your body is the last thing to die?

Your eyes. They dilate.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mark503
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I wasn't much fun last year having a broken neck..

But at least now I can look back and laugh..

πŸ‘︎ 459
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2021
🚨︎ report

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