I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry.
He has selfie steam issues.
My friend claims the he accidentally glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.
But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.
I have a friend with no social skills and a Ph.D in the history of palindromes.
It’s been years since the show ended, and I’m a little annoyed that people are still making ‘Friends’ references.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
My friend: Did you heard about the Italian man who died recently, he pasta way
Me: Thats very sad. Venice the funeral?
(Please excuse my poor english as it is not my first language)
Edit: I am not a dad, I am a 15 year old teen
Edit 2: Thank you u/Mnt2bdaddy for the wholesome award.
The mayor in my city just passed law that male best friends have to have lunch together at least once a week
Well it’s not a law it’s a mandate
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
A friend told me that the ball drop was a minute late
The ball was dropped at the ball drop.
My friend had the left side of his body ripped off in an accident.
But the doctor said he’ll be all right.
My friends and I were playing a game where you have to think of famous Johns. The game ends if you pick a John that is no longer with us.
It's all fun and games until someone gets Hurt.
The only dad joke I know. My friend asked me to post it. :-)
I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer.
I don't know what he laced them with but I've been trippin' all day!
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
My friend was worried about hitting all the bars on his guitar neck at his recital...
My friend called me and said he lost the million dollar prize because he couldn't think of a neighbor to Saudi Arabia...
My bodybuilder friend decided to quit the gym and get into seminary school instead.
Either way, he is cross training.
My friend worked at the zoo to circumcise elephants, the pay was bad but...
My friend rolled the ball down the lane 10 times, knocking over all the pins each time!
I was at a friends funeral and I said to the widow “do you mind if I say a word?”
She said go ahead.
I stood up said “plethora” and sat back down.
“Thank you”, the grieving widow responded, “it means a lot”
Curse the creator of autocorrect! I asked my friend what the best shampoo to use was, and he replied “Panettone”.
That was last Tuesday, and I still haven’t got all the crumbs out of my hair.
So I’m at dinner with the fam, telling the joke about what the kid with no arms got for Christmas (we still don’t know because he hasn’t opened them yet)...I set it up...a friend of mine at work has a kid...no arms...and deliver the punchline...
And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me
‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’
👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.
I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids
The only people to show up to my friend’s funeral were some of his one night stands and some friends from church.
A guy brings his friend to see his new lake house. When they get there, they see a goose on the front steps.
The friend says "hey, is he yours?"
The guy replies "yep, kept him after I found him alone by the lake. He can't communicate with any of the other birds."
His friend looked confused. "Is he mute?"
"No. I think he speaks porch geese."
My friend today is intentionally staring at the sun to cause eye damage.
Look on the bright side, today will be the last time he sees 2020....
Chad asks his friend, "What would happen if all the women in the world disappeared?"
His friend replied, "That would be a pain in the ass."
Did this painting for my friend (far right) who is a huge Pittsburgh steelers fan. His favorite player is Troy Polamalu... And he likes puns. That's me in the middle.l in my favorite jumper. Thoughts???
reddit.com/gallery/kkbp9y
My friend Patrick is black,white,and Asian at the same time.
This year, my friend decided to play his string instrument with a neck and a deep round back enclosing a hollow cavity, with a sound hole in the body at the voting booths...
He was arrested for ear poll-lute-tion.
Just watched all the Harry Potter movies back to back with a friend
Stupid, really, because it meant I couldn't see the TV
My friend got fired at the fizzy drinks factory today.
My friend ordered a sculpture of his face, but later realized he couldn’t afford the bill.
He really got a head of himself.
Why can't the blind man see his friends?
Wanting to impress my son at the zoo today, I revealed to him, "Used to be best friends with a giraffe, but we had a falling out." Puzzled, he asked, "What happened?" I shook my head, "I don't know really, but I felt..."
"He was always looking down on me!"
My friend wanted to hit the treadmill despite recovering from an injury.
I told him “tread lightly”.
My friend in the country couldn’t afford his water bill...
So I sent him a ‘Get Well Soon!’ card.
I'm trying to convince my friend that being a fraudster isn't for him. I went over to his house the other day and he was putting canned meat in envelopes.
Apparently he was sending a bunch of Spam Mail.
What did the fog say to his long lost friend the tree?
My friends invited me to do drugs on the docks
The Pier pressure is heavy
A friend decided to gift me the boots I’ve been drooling over
They weren’t the color I wanted, but beggars can’t be shoes-y.
My friend asked me what the capital of Russia is
My hunter friend boasted that he shot the most deer last year.
He certainly won that game.
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe leannnnnnn.... 🎶
I have a friend who took a selfie in the shower, but it came out blurry.
He has selfie-steam issues
My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet.
It really made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean...
I can’t believe people are still making “Friends” references 15 years after the show ended.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
The Cuban main violinist's string snapped during a performance. Luckily, he got offered another violin by his American friend.
That day, another Fiddle Catastrophe was prevented.
My friend Joe went on the Dolly Parton diet.
It really made Joe Lean, Joe Lean, Joe Lean, Joe Lean
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