I'm calling it Margarine of Eros.
Whoops wrong sub
I guess it's back to square won.
So today, a subreddit.
Subway.
Water because butane is a lighter fluid
...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.
Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. “What IS that?” “That’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.
Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.
The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, “That’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, “No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.
But it was too Quorny
Oops, wrong sub.
I told her that it's who replaces the regular sugar when it calls out sick for work.
He substituted his wife for an ex.
But I don’t like to be one to mince my words
Use this nursery rhyme to play "scary/gross monster" with your tyke:
"The itsy bitsy spider climbed into Mia's mouth
Down to her ears and crawling in and out!
Out through her nose and tickled with her legs,
She made Mia sneeze her brains to scrambled eggs!
achoo splat bleah"
Substitute $name for Mia.
Spider hand chases while Dad reclines on bed. Tyke busily baits and counterattacks.
I dunno whether this qualifies as a Dad joke, but my wife hated it until she saw how much my daughter liked it. I feel like that fits the spirit of Dadness. For maximum results, send your wife the poem first.
A margarine of error.
Orzo it seems.
A steviadore.
The whole world is talking about The WHO.
I was assigned to teach History, and I'm a 24 year old, among high schoolers
So they start asking me questions about myself and they asked if I went to college and I tell them:
"I actually went to school as a history major, but I dropped out when I realized there was no future in it.."
I say "get it.. like.. no future because it's.. histo^r^y ^nevermind.."
They just rolled their eyes
They are much cheaper. Always under a buck.
Shofar, so good.
"Hello class my name is Mr Jones". Girl says "Is your first name Mike?". He says "No, my name isn't Mike". "Well is it close to Mike?". He says "Close to Mike? I don't even know him!"
...you made my day bad.
I hope bad things happen to you.
You're a bad person.
Researchers have discovered that when mixed with spices found in popular Hispanic dishes, ground peanuts make a great meat substitute!
It's also been found that an offshoot of the banana family, when fried, makes an awesome faux-fish sandwich!
Craving a frozen treat, but can't handle dairy? Some have found that chilled grapes and prunes can hit that sweet spot in a healthy way!
Keep experimenting with cruelty-free ideas!
TL/DR:
If you like peanut-chiladas, and getting cod from plantains, if you're not into yogurt 'cause you have lactose pains, you could make a lovely delight with some prunes and some grapes. Here's the grub that you've looked for, get that meat off your plate!
And the boy Denephew
48% of Americans chose real butter, whilst the other 51% opted for a substitute.
The study concluded that imitations are only margarineally butter.
power = work / time
but...
knowledge = power
and
time = money
so, substituting...
knowledge = work / money
solving for money...
money = work / knowledge
The less you know, the more money you make, regardless of how much work you do.
Google is useless- I tried searching up lighters, but it just gave me 13,756,072 matches.
Explanation- Matches refers to a substitute for a lighter, but also to the search results that Google provides :)
Both are meat substitutes
was a substitute on his bowling league. Every week league officials would have to ask for whom the Tell bowls.
My substitute teacher laid this down. Short but sweet:
"I used to know a guy named pi, but we stopped talking because he just kept going on and on and on..."
groan
One day, the bartender ran out of the hazelnut flavor so he substituted hickory nuts instead. The doctor took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, “this isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”
“No I’m sorry”, replied the bartender, “It’s a hickory daiquiri, doc”
Mother: 'So, how are you finding your new place?'
Brother: 'Well, I've just remembered how to get there' followed by a very stupid grin
Eating at IHOP
Daughter: "What is sugar substitute?"
Dad: "You use that when sugar calls in sick."
You edit the devil out of it.
(Substitute "hell" for devil for a less mild take on it. My choirboy sensibilities just couldn't handle it.)
I was told this belonged here..
When I was about 13 yrs old, I was playing basketball at the rec league by my house. During one of the games, an opponent was fouled. So we are lined up waiting for him to shoot his foul shots, and my coach sends in a substitute player for me. So I'm jogging towards the bench. When I get about 10-15ft away from the bench, I tripped and slide head-first into the bench. The whole gym let's out an, "ooohhh....", and just as it gets quiet, my dad stands up on the other side of the gym and like an umpire in baseball yells, "SAFE!"
After the game, I yelled at him for it. His response... "Hey, I could've called you 'out!'"
My dad told me that back in his highschool days (1934), they would write Dick Hertz on the class sign-in sheet whenever they had a substitute teacher. Then when the sub read off the names on the list to find out who was who, no one would answer when the sub read that name, and so the sub would say "Who's Dick Hertz"? And of course, the class would crack up.
So my dad substitute teaches at my old high school. When graduation parties came around last year, he was invited to one (the kids really like him).
He handed the kid a card and asked him to open it then. It was a Subway gift card. The kid looked confused, but thankful, and my dad said;
"Subs from a sub!"
Both the graduating kid and I groaned loudly.
I was talking with a mate yesterday about vegetarianism, I said "I could never be a vegetarian, I like meat too much"
To which he responded "You can always use a meat substitute"
"Yeah" I replied "But wouldn't that just be cutting Quorners?"
So instead, a subreddit.
