What did God do after he created a 24 hour period of alternating light and darkness?

Called it a day.

πŸ‘︎ 185
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AspChef
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2021
🚨︎ report
In an alternate universe, Hercules was a girl.

Her name was Himcules

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
🚨︎ report
If there were months on an alternative β€œPlanet-B”, would they be named the same?

May-B ....

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jgraybeard
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2021
🚨︎ report
How much does a chimney cost?

I don’t know, but it must be through the roof.

πŸ‘︎ 119
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zavoybrown
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Alternative Title: We're hair to talk reddit.com/user/redditads…
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Confused_Blue_Jay
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you get when an alternating current and a direct current run into each other in a wire?

A good rock band.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BioWoLFex
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My mates were thinking of alternative names for shampoo.

It was fake shit.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CubingWithAlex
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the valet hate working in an alternate universe?

Because it was all parallel parking!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GravyxNips
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
🚨︎ report
What's an alternative name for a pregnancy test ?

Maybe Baby.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2020
🚨︎ report
The Killer Ohms are attacking us!

WE MUST MAKE A RESISTANCE!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/avandoorslaer
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I want my brand to become THE dairy alternative for the post truth era.

The people believe in Fake Moos.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themiracy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Disney is releasing a version of Tangled with an alternate ending where Rapunzel's hair isn't chopped off at the end.

They're calling it the Uncut Edition.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Geodude532
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My goldfish named Nate died.

So, to not make my kids sad, I bought another goldfish. He was an alternate.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Artisticspawm
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
🚨︎ report
What marine animal is famous for their alternative hits?

Manta Del Ray

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsthatbrownguy91
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
🚨︎ report
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
When I first heard of gonorrhea...

I thought it was an anti-diarrhea medicine.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fonz136
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the baker throw away the bread someone gave him?

Because he didn't knead it!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lovina9
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
An alternative... was that A'Tuin was crawling from the Birthplace to the Time of Mating. When they arrived they would briefly and passionately mate, for the first and only time, and from that fiery union new turtles would be born to carry a new pattern of worlds.

This was known as the Big Bang hypothesis.

Joke by Terry Pratchett, β€˜The Colour of Magic’, Prologue.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WatashiStickKid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
What kind of fax machine did the Trump Administration use?

An alternative facts machine.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hobbitinterrupted
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
There's a vegan activist in my neighborhood; she's been replacing everyone's dairy milk with alternatives.

I soya do it.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexdavidwright
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad banned me from saying "Hell", so I asked: "Have you thought of any alternative names for hell?"

He said: "I heaven't"

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/getroastednibba
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
🚨︎ report
An Alternative To Trump's Wall
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πŸ‘€︎ u/douglasses2
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call Clint Barton when he does the laundry?

Sockeye.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dodecahedronite
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub, but a thirty-five minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sisrael81
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you get a hair cut?

No, I got them all cut.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vissik
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
In an alternate universe, instead of asking for whatever he touches to be gold, Midas just asked for his jokes to be made extremely hilarious.

Everything was comedy gold.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CrammerTheGamer
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
In an alternate universe, there’s probably a sentient kitchen wash basin knocking at your front door. Let that sink in,
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Betamax-86
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2019
🚨︎ report
The alternate endgame ending

Thanos: I am inevitable. Iron man: Hi inevitable I’m dad.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diamondsarefun
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
🚨︎ report
So God was talking to one of his Angels. He said β€œI’ve created 24 hours of alternating lightness and darkness in earth”. The Angel said β€œWhat are you going to do now?” ...

β€œOh I think I’ll call it a day” God replies.

πŸ‘︎ 78
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2019
🚨︎ report
For the past year, I’ve been going out drinking alternating between my friend Greg one week and my other friend Ian the next week.

I’m on a Greg-or-Ian calendar.

πŸ‘︎ 402
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2018
🚨︎ report
Though not a perfect solution, cryogenic storage could be an alternative to capital punishment.

It has it’s frozen cons.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MotoFuzzle
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2019
🚨︎ report
An alternate world where it's illegal to make or even touch puns. Punsmiths are protesting against this.

There's a pun crying to be made here, but I can't put my finger on it.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/buttsecks42069
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.

But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jimothy05
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the lawyer use when he went fishing?

De’bait’!

or, alternate punchline:

Bating tactics!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ms__Brightside
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
🚨︎ report
She gave me a BJ with some alternative rock playing in the background

I guess you can say I got some Radiohead

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diego_godean
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2017
🚨︎ report
An alternative to dormant volcano reddit.com/r/CrazyIdeas/c…
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DBrownGames
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Margarine is good

But it's not butter than the alternative

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/luispe94
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
"Have you considered using an alternative name for Hell?"

"I Heaven't"

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jotthisdown98
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
🚨︎ report
I'm trying to come up with an alternative name for a cash machine

But I can't think of one ATM.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toffeeman_
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2018
🚨︎ report
I quit smoking and I'm using gum as an alternative.

It sure is hard to keep lit though.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2019
🚨︎ report
If you go into the bathroom an American, and you leave the bathroom an American, what are you while you’re in the bathroom?

European.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hoopsrule44
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2020
🚨︎ report
What did God do after creating a 24-hour period of alternating light and darkness of Earth?

He called it a day.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
My son kept chewing on the electrical cords so I had to ground him...

He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Evadguitar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
After God created 24 hours of alternating darkness and light, one of the angels asked him, β€œwhat are you going to do now?”

God said, β€œI think I’m going to call it a day.”

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ENJOYblet
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What did God say when he created a 24 hour period of alternating day and night?

Call it a day

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oxfordthethird
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2019
🚨︎ report

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