When doing my son salutation, I call this variation on child's pose, "Downward Dad" imgur.com/hOpdbkb
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoBeefy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
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Variations on Cake by the Ocean

Having dessert in Professor Snape's class? That's
Cake by the potion

Having dessert while moisturizing your skin?
Cake by the lotion

Having dessert in limine?
Cake by the motion (mine)

Having dessert along with kinetic force?
Cake by the motion (my daughter)

Having dessert while dividing it?
Cake by the quotient

Having dessert while you blow things up?
Cake by the explosion

Having dessert while you come up with an idea?
Cake by the notion

Having dessert while watching chaos?
Cake by the commotion

Having dessert next to someone who is getting a new job? Hopefully it's
Cake by the promotion

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dedtired
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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Variations on a theme

What do you call an avocado that plays the guitar?
Rockamole.

How do you secure your avocado?
Lockamole

Blatent lies about the avocado? That's a
Crockamole

Taking your avocado fishing? Head to the
Dockamole

If your avocado's feet are cold, get it a
Sockamole

Time to stack some avocados on top of each other ...
Blockamole

Selling avocados? Make sure you have plenty of
Stockamole

Or just pawning them?
Hockamole

Your reaction at how amazing these all are?
Shockamole.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dedtired
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
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Looking for some tools (variation on the "stud finder" oldie but goodie)

Wife asked me to hang up some new wall decorations she picked up. One was a little heavy so I wanted to nail into a couple studs instead of just using drywall anchors. She saw me rooting around in the garage and asked what I was looking for.

"My stud finder. Wish I could turn it on remotely so it would just find me instead!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/captainwoj
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2014
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Being a dad is awesome (variations on a theme)

S: "I'm going to get a haircut." D: "Which one"

S: "I'm going to get a haircut." D: "Just one, that's a lot of effort for one cut."

S: "I'm going to get a haircut." D: "Don't cut any of mine!" (I'm bald)

S: "I'm going to get a haircut." D: "Don't cut the good one."

I do this until they sprain their faces rolling their eyes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/afichte
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2013
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I can’t believe it’s not...
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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How much does a roof cost?

Nothing, it's on the house

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
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Dad: Do you want a PBJ sandwich?

Son: no, I'm not hungry

Dad: Have you seen him anywhere?

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πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
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What does the Mandalorian use to clean up Baby Yoda's messes?

He uses Bounty [a paper towel brand in the US]

I'm very proud--my teenage son just came up with this one, though I see a few variations when searching through past dad jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tampaillini
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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"I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it," A doctor said as he handed a man his newborn baby.

The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SailorJaywah
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2018
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Two snares drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff
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πŸ‘€︎ u/axxolot
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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My daughter is 14 and dating. Her boyfriend’s name is Braden, I think..so I just use any B name that comes to mind to annoy her. Braden, Brody, Bradley, Brandon, Bruce, Bryce, etc. Looking for more suggestions! I also talk gangster to her all the time to get her going. Being a β€˜Dad Joke’ Dad is fun!
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lachrondizzle23
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
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Scientist uses a dog in science experiments.

It's a lab assistant.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2018
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Periodic Table Pun

Why is the element Sb poor? Because it is antimony.

The pun is basically about an element in the periodic table which is called antimony and whose symbol is Sb this is basically playing with words that Sb is anti-money and that's why it is poor.

Variations can be Sb is anti-capitalist. But anyways.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ganesh003
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
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Depressed hairstylists probably don’t want to dye
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManBoyBoyManSon
πŸ“…︎ Jul 15 2018
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Did you hear that Reese cut herself?

No, not Witherspoon...

With her knife.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Longhorn1981
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
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Another not-so-hot Olympic dad joke

Watching beach volleyball the other day.

Announcer: It's raining and chilly. Me: No, not Chile, Brazil.

Then I had to wait hours for my husband to come home so I could repeat it, because my toddler is too young to get it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hatgirlstargazer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2016
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What's the difference between roast beef, pea soup, and glue?

Everyone can roast beef, but nobody can pea soup!

What about the glue?

I got stuck on it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BuzzWeedle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2015
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Words that sound the same backwards and forwards

I started pronouncing words backwards and forwards, with slight variation in the sounds of the consonants.

Mom....mmoM.

Dad....daaD.

Poop....pooP.

Daughter: What are you doing!? *Shriveled nose face

Dad: I'm trying to think of words that sound the same backwards and forwards. Can you think of any?

Daughter: Um, no.

Dad: I'm surprised you didn't instantly think of... Sass.

(Still would work if they come up with examples as long as they don't think of sass.)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RickJVenture
πŸ“…︎ Jun 08 2019
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In one version of a poker game players must put away a load of laundry before they start.

This variation is called Texas fold 'em.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2019
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Every time my friend Denise stops by

Dad: Hi, Da niece. How is your brother, Da nephew?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/A_Flying_Toe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2013
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Update on pun request for Orcas, Opinions needed!

So I’ve been writing a paper about how Seaworld should not be keeping their orcas in captivity. Should the title be:

β€œSeaworld’s Porpoise; Where Happiness Tanks” or β€œThanks, but No Tanks”

Feel free to help me come up with some variation if you don’t like either. (:

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gutsandhoney
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2018
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An old couple sitting next to my boyfriend and I at Hibachi asked the chef when he'd begin to cook the food. He replied, "When I get around to it." The couple proceeded to hand him this.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/midwesterntown
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2013
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Bear Walks into a Bar

A bear walks Into a bar, summons the bartender and says, 'I'll have a rum and ... ... ... Coke'. Bartender says,'why the long pause?' Bear replies, 'These?! (Looking at his paws), I've had these since birth!'

I'm here all week...

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2013
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Did you hear the joke about the koala bear who preferred to steep its eucalyptus leaves in water instead of eating them?

It's a koala tea joke.

(Variation of other koala jokes I've heard).

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheVaccinator
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
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Sorry, my nose couldn't make it to lunch today...

He had to boogie.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hanismyhomie
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2017
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My dog's got no....

We all know the classic:

My dog's got no nose.

How does he smell?

Terrible.

But there are so many possible variations, so rarely explored!

My dog's got no eyes.

How does he look?

Terrible

My dog's got no tongue.

How does he taste?

Terrible

My dog's got no nervous system.

How does he feel?

Terrible

My dog's got no car.

How does he drive?

Terrible

My dog's got no sense of humour.

How does he joke?

Terrible

...your turn...

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2017
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My dad has used this joke after every single haircut I've gotten since I was 5.

Dad: Hey, where did you get your haircut? Me: Uh, I think it was a Supercuts. Dad: Hm, that's weird. I usually get mine on my head.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SavioSega
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2013
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Every. Single. Time.

Me: Mom's taking me to get a haircut

Dad: For what they charge, I hope you get them all cut.

And EVERY variation of that.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IvanLeopold
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
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My grammar may not be the best...

...But my grandpa loves her all the same.

^^^I ^^^lie, ^^^my ^^^nanna ^^^is ^^^the ^^^best.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/andystealth
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2014
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Every Dinner

Having Irish grandparents, my grandmother is obsessed with making sure everyone has plenty of food on their plate. As soon as we are done with dinner, the conversation normally goes like this.

Grandma: Was that alright?

Dad: Yeah, it was.

Grandma: would you like some desert?

Dad: Do you have any?

Grandma: I do!

Dad: No thanks.

Gets me every time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/E-Vice
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2013
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I use this one all the time.

I was out shopping with my son to get him some new pants. We were browsing around to find his size, when one of the clerks comes over and asks, "How are you guys making out?"

To which I replied, "We're not making out. We're just shopping for pants."

This line or variations thereof always gives me a chuckle. Feel free to use it for yourself.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kardinos
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2016
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At thanksgiving dinner...

So my family and I are eating our usual thanksgiving dinner, turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, you name it. My sister really likes sweet drinks, so she would serve her self a glass of grape juice almost right after her previous ones. After a couple of refills, my dad says "Do you want some dinner with your juice?" He says this for every damn thing. I like syrup on my waffles like the next guy but pour a little much and he says "Want some waffles with your syrup?" Every. Damn. Time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CoochMuffler
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2013
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Here's a long one, it won't disappoint.

My dad's favorite joke of all time (there are many variations, and of course, even more extended versions):

These three guys went to South America to explore the rain forest. The guide was leading them through explaining the different plants and animals. After awhile they started to hear this really loud sound.

whoosh

whoosh

whoosh

The men, kind of scared, asked the guide what the noise was.

"What the hell is that noise?"

"Oh, that's just the Foo bird."

"The Foo bird?"

"Yes, it's a giant bird, and the locals believe that if it poops on you, wiping it off will cause instant death."

"That's silly."

"Well, that's what the locals say."

The noise gets louder and closer.

WHOOSH

WHOOSH

WHOOSH

The men look up in the sky and see a glimpse of the Foo bird.

"It's huge!"

Suddenly...

SPLAT

All four of the men are covered with bird shit. The guide pulls a cloth out of his pocket and wipes the shit off of his face. He drops dead.

The first of the three me

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fire_marshall_ill
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2013
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Puns of Varying Quality on the Subject of Linguistics (created in a fit of procrastinative inspiration) some of which I thought someone, someday might appreciate.

Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.

While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).

I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)

The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kieuk
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2011
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Gotten a lot of mileage out of this one

My wife gave birth on New Year's Day, so I took off all last week. The last 2 days have been full of some variation of this exchange:

"I heard you had a baby!" "No, my wife did."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/captainwoj
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2016
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He got engaged to a certified dad

The guy I'm dating's last name is Feliz.

Over the holidays at his family's New Years party his little brother asked his girlfriend to marry him. Her response? Yes! It would make me happy.

Feliz is Spanish for happy. He is literally making her happy. I was rolling. I think everyone else may have heard variations of the joke too many times cause all they did was groan but I definitely think she's a honorary dad.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CuntnessEvermean
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2015
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