Having dessert in Professor Snape's class? That's
Cake by the potion
Having dessert while moisturizing your skin?
Cake by the lotion
Having dessert in limine?
Cake by the motion (mine)
Having dessert along with kinetic force?
Cake by the motion (my daughter)
Having dessert while dividing it?
Cake by the quotient
Having dessert while you blow things up?
Cake by the explosion
Having dessert while you come up with an idea?
Cake by the notion
Having dessert while watching chaos?
Cake by the commotion
Having dessert next to someone who is getting a new job? Hopefully it's
Cake by the promotion
What do you call an avocado that plays the guitar?
How do you secure your avocado?
Blatent lies about the avocado? That's a
Taking your avocado fishing? Head to the
If your avocado's feet are cold, get it a
Time to stack some avocados on top of each other ...
Selling avocados? Make sure you have plenty of
Or just pawning them?
Your reaction at how amazing these all are?
Wife asked me to hang up some new wall decorations she picked up. One was a little heavy so I wanted to nail into a couple studs instead of just using drywall anchors. She saw me rooting around in the garage and asked what I was looking for.
"My stud finder. Wish I could turn it on remotely so it would just find me instead!"
S: "I'm going to get a haircut." D: "Which one"
S: "I'm going to get a haircut." D: "Just one, that's a lot of effort for one cut."
S: "I'm going to get a haircut." D: "Don't cut any of mine!" (I'm bald)
S: "I'm going to get a haircut." D: "Don't cut the good one."
I do this until they sprain their faces rolling their eyes.
Nothing, it's on the house
Son: no, I'm not hungry
Dad: Have you seen him anywhere?
He uses Bounty [a paper towel brand in the US]
I'm very proud--my teenage son just came up with this one, though I see a few variations when searching through past dad jokes.
The man handed the baby back to the doctor. "Then bring me the one my wife did make."
It's a lab assistant.
Why is the element Sb poor? Because it is antimony.
The pun is basically about an element in the periodic table which is called antimony and whose symbol is Sb this is basically playing with words that Sb is anti-money and that's why it is poor.
Variations can be Sb is anti-capitalist. But anyways.
No, not Witherspoon...
With her knife.
Watching beach volleyball the other day.
Announcer: It's raining and chilly. Me: No, not Chile, Brazil.
Then I had to wait hours for my husband to come home so I could repeat it, because my toddler is too young to get it.
Everyone can roast beef, but nobody can pea soup!
What about the glue?
I got stuck on it.
I started pronouncing words backwards and forwards, with slight variation in the sounds of the consonants.
Daughter: What are you doing!? *Shriveled nose face
Dad: I'm trying to think of words that sound the same backwards and forwards. Can you think of any?
Daughter: Um, no.
Dad: I'm surprised you didn't instantly think of... Sass.
(Still would work if they come up with examples as long as they don't think of sass.)
This variation is called Texas fold 'em.
Dad: Hi, Da niece. How is your brother, Da nephew?
So I’ve been writing a paper about how Seaworld should not be keeping their orcas in captivity. Should the title be:
“Seaworld’s Porpoise; Where Happiness Tanks” or “Thanks, but No Tanks”
Feel free to help me come up with some variation if you don’t like either. (:
A bear walks Into a bar, summons the bartender and says, 'I'll have a rum and ... ... ... Coke'. Bartender says,'why the long pause?' Bear replies, 'These?! (Looking at his paws), I've had these since birth!'
I'm here all week...
It's a koala tea joke.
(Variation of other koala jokes I've heard).
He had to boogie.
We all know the classic:
My dog's got no nose.
How does he smell?
But there are so many possible variations, so rarely explored!
My dog's got no eyes.
How does he look?
My dog's got no tongue.
How does he taste?
My dog's got no nervous system.
How does he feel?
My dog's got no car.
How does he drive?
My dog's got no sense of humour.
How does he joke?
Dad: Hey, where did you get your haircut? Me: Uh, I think it was a Supercuts. Dad: Hm, that's weird. I usually get mine on my head.
Me: Mom's taking me to get a haircut
Dad: For what they charge, I hope you get them all cut.
And EVERY variation of that.
...But my grandpa loves her all the same.
^^^I ^^^lie, ^^^my ^^^nanna ^^^is ^^^the ^^^best.
Having Irish grandparents, my grandmother is obsessed with making sure everyone has plenty of food on their plate. As soon as we are done with dinner, the conversation normally goes like this.
Grandma: Was that alright?
Dad: Yeah, it was.
Grandma: would you like some desert?
Dad: Do you have any?
Grandma: I do!
Dad: No thanks.
Gets me every time.
I was out shopping with my son to get him some new pants. We were browsing around to find his size, when one of the clerks comes over and asks, "How are you guys making out?"
To which I replied, "We're not making out. We're just shopping for pants."
This line or variations thereof always gives me a chuckle. Feel free to use it for yourself.
So my family and I are eating our usual thanksgiving dinner, turkey, stuffing, mashed potatoes, you name it. My sister really likes sweet drinks, so she would serve her self a glass of grape juice almost right after her previous ones. After a couple of refills, my dad says "Do you want some dinner with your juice?" He says this for every damn thing. I like syrup on my waffles like the next guy but pour a little much and he says "Want some waffles with your syrup?" Every. Damn. Time.
My dad's favorite joke of all time (there are many variations, and of course, even more extended versions):
These three guys went to South America to explore the rain forest. The guide was leading them through explaining the different plants and animals. After awhile they started to hear this really loud sound.
The men, kind of scared, asked the guide what the noise was.
"What the hell is that noise?"
"Oh, that's just the Foo bird."
"The Foo bird?"
"Yes, it's a giant bird, and the locals believe that if it poops on you, wiping it off will cause instant death."
"Well, that's what the locals say."
The noise gets louder and closer.
The men look up in the sky and see a glimpse of the Foo bird.
All four of the men are covered with bird shit. The guide pulls a cloth out of his pocket and wipes the shit off of his face. He drops dead.
The first of the three me... keep reading on reddit ➡
Note: Quality Very Varying (I see what I did there) and sometimes subject to specialist knowledge. So I apologise in advance. Shame me with your better puns.
While I was languishing in the Language Centre, doing some semantics antics and considering how all the other linguistics students despised and derided me, I was accosted by a stout man with large glasses who made me a preposition. It was that I should collect terrible puns, to do with linguistics, in order to ingratiate myself yet further with the other linguistics students (including even the phonetics fanatics).
I'm struggling to think of a pun to do with grammaticality that both makes sense and "Is grandma tickly?" correct. I'm also stuck on 'morphologician'. (I'm not actually sure that's a particularly logical word for the subject, though I guess that's more for, er, more for a logician to worry about.)
The problem I have with writing about phonological variation is that one is constantly forced to choose between being fun... keep reading on reddit ➡
My wife gave birth on New Year's Day, so I took off all last week. The last 2 days have been full of some variation of this exchange:
"I heard you had a baby!" "No, my wife did."
The guy I'm dating's last name is Feliz.
Over the holidays at his family's New Years party his little brother asked his girlfriend to marry him. Her response? Yes! It would make me happy.
Feliz is Spanish for happy. He is literally making her happy. I was rolling. I think everyone else may have heard variations of the joke too many times cause all they did was groan but I definitely think she's a honorary dad.