You need to have a rapier wit.
This may fit better in r/unclejokes but seeing how this line was from my dad, I wanted to put it here.
Me: I told a friend that I was having some trouble in the bedroom and he suggested talking to my doctor about Viagra. I don't know how that's supposed to help me put a wardrobe together.
My dad: Might actually make it harder.
He goes by Darth Trader
I’m hoping to get a stimulus Czech.
They practice squid pro quo.
I'm a frostitute
So I exchanged it for another free of charge.
He said Oui Oui
I told her he is my small arms dealer.
Forked on the first date.
We called him the international juul thief
"No it's not, it's MUNday!" The apprentice has now become the master.
It was a stock exchange.
The native student answers “Cleveland”, much to the teacher’s chagrin. The Exchange student on the other hand, answers “It’s a bit late, but Gozaimasu!”
A pirate and a sailor were exchanging stories. The sailor pointed to the pirate’s peg leg, asking “How’d you get that?”
“Aye, I wrestled a shark and lost me leg.”
The sailor pointed to the pirate’s hook and asked “How’d you get that?”
“Aye, I fought Red Beard’s crew and lost me hand.”
The sailor then pointed to the pirate’s eyepatch, again asking “How’d you get that?”
“Aye, a bird flew by and shat in me eye.”
The sailor responded with “That’s not as impressive as the first two”.
“Aye, it was me first day with me hook.”
I asked her, “Do those taste good??”
She replied, “No, but the taste is...compelling.”
So I shouted “THE POWER OF FRIES COMPELS YOU!!!”
Me: Heads up, you have a package arriving today with your name on it. You have permission to open it today 😉🎄
Him: Ok. Is the tree a hint or just a christmassy thing? I don’t need a tree🌲
Me: Just a christmassy thing. We didn’t send you a tree.
Him: Great. I wouldn’t want to accuse you of tree, son 🤓
Me: Oooof
Him: I was trying to branch out into political humor but it didn’t take root so I guess I’ll leaf it there
Me: You don’t know when to quit, do you?
Him: I wooden know about that
"Dad, can I go swimming?"
"Not right now. Wait five or ten minutes."
"Ok, I choose five."
"... Fair enough."
…free of charge.
So thats a turnip for the books.
How dare he? They have centimental value.
Daughter: "Hey Dad! Do you know what would be SO COOL?"
Me: "A frozen needle and string?"
Daughter: groans.. "You're IMPOSSIBLE"
Me: "No, no. I'm D-"
Daughter: "DAD. DAD. WE GET IT."
Me: "We Get It.... Is that a new Nintendo System?"
Daughter: . . . walks away
.
.
Stay Proud. Stay Dad.
A dead giveaway.
Holding up a dry erase board with the number on it in Roman numerals XIX. Someone asked what number it was and he says: "oh whoops, I got it upside down", and he flips it over.
Me: “This thing is going to be huge.”
Son: “Why? It’s only three floors high.”
Me: “Look at that elevator shaft! They’re going to build more on!”
Son: “Geez Dad, that’s a bit harsh.”
Me: You just really ate to see it
So I went to the drug store and bought him the best Axe Scent money can buy!
Forex Gold
I, for one, find it strange
I told him, "That's a little course"
So that Kim Jong Un can still claim to have new clear weapons.
8yo - Hey dad, knock knock
Me - who's there?
8yo - daddy boo
Me - daddy boo who?
8yo - awwww dad, don't cry, your life isn't that bad!
I just got dad-joked, hard!
In return I received a pasta dish.
For the first time in my life, I actually received a Penne for my thoughts
I don't remember what it's from, but I do remember that the scene involved a squad of soldiers with their sergeant coming across the enemy, and it went like this:
Sergeant: Fire at will!
Private: Uh, who's Will?
Sergeant: Just shoot, you idiot!
I walked down the stairs to see my wife on the floor laying out a pattern to sew. Her butt was facing me and of course I was staring and going into the kitchen.
Her: Are you staring at my butt? Me: Yes. Her: I always sense when someone is doing that. Me: I guess that means you have the gift of hind sight huh?
Edit: spelling
Wife After belching loudly: I don't know where that came from.
Me: Your belly.
Wife: That's apparent.
Me: No you're apparent.
Commence with the sighs.
It was a real marrython!
Since you might be arrested for in-cider trading
Current sea
I beg to differ...
r/subsifellfor
...free of charge...
