I have an idea for a new product: a butter substitute mixed with an aphrodisiac.

I'm calling it Margarine of Eros.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pyranders
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
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Once my school had multiple teachers absent and they sent the substitutes to the wrong class AMA

Whoops wrong sub

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tjxdtjtxjynx
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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I tried to substitute eggroll skins instead of the usual for my fried Chinese dumplings. They tasted the same, but came out rectangular.

I guess it's back to square won.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
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What’s a substitute teacher’s favorite restaurant?

Subway.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bsoyka
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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What's heavier, a gallon of water or a gallon of butane ? (Substitute 'litre' for 'gallon' if reading outside of USA)

Water because butane is a lighter fluid

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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Birthday card skips over opportunity to use "hoppiest" as a pun substitute for happiest
πŸ‘︎ 146
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πŸ‘€︎ u/caunmion
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2017
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I had a joke about meat substitutes

But it was too Quorny

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
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TIL about Arda Djoques, a homeless woman in Baltimore who wandered into a school and pretended to be a substitute teacher for two weeks. Despite great reviews from her peers, when the school found out, she was forcefully thrown to the street.

Oops, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Aug 25 2018
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My daughter was looking through the different sugars at a restaurant and asked me what the sugar substitute was.

I told her that it's who replaces the regular sugar when it calls out sick for work.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cellomold
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
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My cookbook has a recipe to make a ground beef substitute out of old books

But I don’t like to be one to mince my words

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TannedCroissant
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
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πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CRobski
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2017
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What do you call a butter substitute that's always wrong?

A margarine of error.

πŸ‘︎ 168
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yismeicha
πŸ“…︎ Sep 24 2015
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What do you call a longshoreman who only unloads sugar substitutes?

A steviadore.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dazwah
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2015
🚨︎ report
I'm now the lamest substitute teacher in the building

I was assigned to teach History, and I'm a 24 year old, among high schoolers

So they start asking me questions about myself and they asked if I went to college and I tell them:

"I actually went to school as a history major, but I dropped out when I realized there was no future in it.."

I say "get it.. like.. no future because it's.. histo^r^y ^nevermind.."

They just rolled their eyes

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dugefrsh34
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2014
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I'm taking lessons to be a substitute horn player at a local synagogue

Shofar, so good.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zamoose
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2016
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One from a substitute psychology teacher

"Hello class my name is Mr Jones". Girl says "Is your first name Mike?". He says "No, my name isn't Mike". "Well is it close to Mike?". He says "Close to Mike? I don't even know him!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Packersrule123
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2014
🚨︎ report
Every day, my teacher starts her class by reading a joke from r/dadjokes, but today she is absent.

So today, a subreddit.

πŸ‘︎ 25k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 31 2020
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I can't believevits not butter
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bloodywolfeyes
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2020
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A guy has a rough day and stops at Dick’s Place...

...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.

Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. β€œWhat IS that?” β€œThat’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.

Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.

The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, β€œThat’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, β€œNo, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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Why did the Math teacher get a divorce?

He substituted his wife for an ex.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhiteSamurai5150
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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Itsy Bitsy Spider β€” Dad version

Use this nursery rhyme to play "scary/gross monster" with your tyke:

"The itsy bitsy spider climbed into Mia's mouth
Down to her ears and crawling in and out!
Out through her nose and tickled with her legs,
She made Mia sneeze her brains to scrambled eggs!

achoo splat bleah"

Substitute $name for Mia.

Spider hand chases while Dad reclines on bed. Tyke busily baits and counterattacks.

I dunno whether this qualifies as a Dad joke, but my wife hated it until she saw how much my daughter liked it. I feel like that fits the spirit of Dadness. For maximum results, send your wife the poem first.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LeoLittlebook
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What is the other term for a queef?

A substitute.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/callmefinny
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
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Roger Daltrey must be very proud

The whole world is talking about The WHO.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mickets
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2020
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The kitchen substituted something for my rice...

Orzo it seems.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lord_dumbello
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2017
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Have you ever thought about substituting almonds for deernuts?

They are much cheaper. Always under a buck.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skeeter-gunz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2017
🚨︎ report
To whoever stole my thesaurus...

...you made my day bad.

I hope bad things happen to you.

You're a bad person.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2016
🚨︎ report
Interesting breakthroughs in plant-based diets!

Researchers have discovered that when mixed with spices found in popular Hispanic dishes, ground peanuts make a great meat substitute!

It's also been found that an offshoot of the banana family, when fried, makes an awesome faux-fish sandwich!

Craving a frozen treat, but can't handle dairy? Some have found that chilled grapes and prunes can hit that sweet spot in a healthy way!

Keep experimenting with cruelty-free ideas!

TL/DR:

If you like peanut-chiladas, and getting cod from plantains, if you're not into yogurt 'cause you have lactose pains, you could make a lovely delight with some prunes and some grapes. Here's the grub that you've looked for, get that meat off your plate!

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chadimus_Prime
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
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My aunt is having twins. Dad thinks she should name the girl Denise.

And the boy Denephew

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/titsucker99
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2015
🚨︎ report
A recent study in America asked people their preferred butter

48% of Americans chose real butter, whilst the other 51% opted for a substitute.

The study concluded that imitations are only margarineally butter.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a_wild_redditer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2020
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Mathematical proof that it pays to be dumb

power = work / time

but...

knowledge = power

and

time = money

so, substituting...

knowledge = work / money

solving for money...

money = work / knowledge

The less you know, the more money you make, regardless of how much work you do.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JBaczuk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Google is useless...

Google is useless- I tried searching up lighters, but it just gave me 13,756,072 matches.

Explanation- Matches refers to a substitute for a lighter, but also to the search results that Google provides :)

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andrewCarstairs
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
What's the common between tofu and dildo ?

Both are meat substitutes

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/music_snobbbb
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
🚨︎ report
William Tell

was a substitute on his bowling league. Every week league officials would have to ask for whom the Tell bowls.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmyspr
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2019
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Pi day joke

My substitute teacher laid this down. Short but sweet:

"I used to know a guy named pi, but we stopped talking because he just kept going on and on and on..."

groan

πŸ‘︎ 897
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lethalweapon100
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
🚨︎ report
A Doctor always stopped at a local bar after work for a hazelnut daiquiri - a special drink the bartender created just for him.

One day, the bartender ran out of the hazelnut flavor so he substituted hickory nuts instead. The doctor took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, β€œthis isn’t a hazelnut daiquiri!”

β€œNo I’m sorry”, replied the bartender, β€œIt’s a hickory daiquiri, doc”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dredgemate
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2018
🚨︎ report
Overheard my brother dad joking my mum earlier

Mother: 'So, how are you finding your new place?'

Brother: 'Well, I've just remembered how to get there' followed by a very stupid grin

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tamatron
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2014
🚨︎ report
My husband got my daughter today. Eye rolling occurred...

Eating at IHOP

Daughter: "What is sugar substitute?"

Dad: "You use that when sugar calls in sick."

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/emilykitt
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2016
🚨︎ report
How do you proofread a satanist's manuscript?

You edit the devil out of it.

(Substitute "hell" for devil for a less mild take on it. My choirboy sensibilities just couldn't handle it.)

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slmckay73
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2018
🚨︎ report
My dad got me good as a kid...

I was told this belonged here..

When I was about 13 yrs old, I was playing basketball at the rec league by my house. During one of the games, an opponent was fouled. So we are lined up waiting for him to shoot his foul shots, and my coach sends in a substitute player for me. So I'm jogging towards the bench. When I get about 10-15ft away from the bench, I tripped and slide head-first into the bench. The whole gym let's out an, "ooohhh....", and just as it gets quiet, my dad stands up on the other side of the gym and like an umpire in baseball yells, "SAFE!"

After the game, I yelled at him for it. His response... "Hey, I could've called you 'out!'"

πŸ‘︎ 77
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beer_knurd
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2015
🚨︎ report
Who's Dick Hertz?

My dad told me that back in his highschool days (1934), they would write Dick Hertz on the class sign-in sheet whenever they had a substitute teacher. Then when the sub read off the names on the list to find out who was who, no one would answer when the sub read that name, and so the sub would say "Who's Dick Hertz"? And of course, the class would crack up.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FroggyGremlin
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2014
🚨︎ report
Subs from a Sub

So my dad substitute teaches at my old high school. When graduation parties came around last year, he was invited to one (the kids really like him).

He handed the kid a card and asked him to open it then. It was a Subway gift card. The kid looked confused, but thankful, and my dad said;

"Subs from a sub!"

Both the graduating kid and I groaned loudly.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/forensikat
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2014
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I think I'm ready

I was talking with a mate yesterday about vegetarianism, I said "I could never be a vegetarian, I like meat too much"

To which he responded "You can always use a meat substitute"

"Yeah" I replied "But wouldn't that just be cutting Quorners?"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mirrorboy17
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2014
🚨︎ report
Every day, my teacher reads a joke from Reddit to start the class, but today she is absent.

So instead, a subreddit.

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report

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