I think I’m having a stroke.
Ramen. Took me second, but I was much relieved when I figured it out.
“Sometimes you have to think outside the box”
Like "I'm having a stroke."
(Heard from a trainer at the hospital I work in)
Is that how you get your electrolytes?
We're all sat watching a film with Christopher Plummer
Me: Is that Christopher Plummer?
Dad: No , it's Christopher the electrician.
cue exceptionally unimpressed look from me
They can't keep a straight face
They can't say anything with a straight face
I can never keep a straight face
He got straight back in the car, looked at me with a completely serious face and said “I’ve just been assaulted”.
ETA: thank you so much for the awards, I showed him some (SOME!) of the comments 😂 and it made his day, he was delighted that people actually enjoyed his joke to even just upvote and comment on it but actually couldn’t believe that people actually awarded it too (“people gave Reddit awards to it?? For my joke?? Like, did they actually mum or are you just saying that?!” so yea, thank you kind Redditors for making my 11yo extremely happy! You guys are the best 😊
With a perfectly straight face, Anthony the Sand Eater told me;
"Tony eat food, Daddy."
Little monster turned my own joke against me!
He just couldn’t keep a straight face.
True story; it even happened last night. My 5-year-old son walks up behind me and out of the blue says, "hey."
I turn to him and say, "yeah, kiddo? What's up?"
He responds, "it's dead grass."
I'm really confused and trying to figure out what's wrong and what he wants from me. "What? There's dead grass? What's wrong with that?"
.
.
.
He says, totally straight-faced, "hay is dead grass," and runs off.
He stopped and looked at me with a completely straight face, said "dub", and went back to playing.
It took me a moment to understand what happened, but I started laughing harder than I have in a while. (He has trouble differentiating between "What starts with x" and "What does x start with")
My partner with a straight face:
Why? You're already wearing a bra.
Last month, a guy in Cincinnati stole a salt truck and led police on a 30 minute chase. (true story) At one point he tried to dump the load of salt on a police car. I told my teenage daughter this and she looked at me with a straight face and said “I guess they’re going to arrest him for assaulting an officer.” 😁
Never been prouder of my daughter. 😎
I look up, straight faced, and calmly reply, "yeah, we don't talk about that.."
My wife buried her face for a good minute.. I'm proud of that one.
EDIT: I showed my wife how many ppl thought this was funny and she told me to say "please don't encourage him" .. :)
She replied “the ball is round daddy” (with a straight face) So I tell her “no, what I mean is, get mad! I want you to hit the ball really hard like if you were mad at it!”
She grabs the ball, stares right at it and says “I’M REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BALL!” Then throws it right back at me.
Proud dad moment.
Never mind, I don’t think I’d be able to keep a straight face.
people always respond by straight face telling me "we are laughing inside".
So my mum was trying to tickle my son but he didn't seem to care. So she said "Oh you're not ticklish, are you?"
So with the straighted face my daughter goes: "No, this is Mateo."
“Bison!!!”
~Was shocked to speechlessness when my 5 year old kid said this with a straight face. And this happened when I was trying very hard to teach him the right format of a knock-knock joke. I was stumped for about a minute as he combined a chicken-cross-the-road with a wordplay. Laughed so hard after that - until my wife had to use a pan on my head to stop us both.
I went to ask my daughter:
Where do you park when you visit the moon?
(Originally I was gonna say at the parking meteor!)
But straight faced she replies:
Anywhere you can find space.
Then she grinned... (she knew what she was doing)... space dad. get it? in space....
Totally out dad joked by my own daughter.
Saying it with a straight face
At the beach today and daughter found the remains of part (1/4th) of a sand dollar. She said, "I think it's a sand dollar, can you hold it for me?"Not wanting to carry it around, I said no. "Besides, it looks more like a sand quarter to me. Throw it back in the ocean and tell it to keep the change."She rolled her eyes and ignored me, deciding to keep it anyway. On the way home, a tiny part of it chipped off and she showed me, disappointed. I said, "That doesn't make any cents." She told me to shut up.
Yesterday my son was biking behind me and I swerved around a plant but he went straight through it. He told me the plant hit his face. I replied, "So you're telling me you face planted?"
My two kids don't take me seriously anymore.
True story, I work in the health industry, get to ask these questions from time to time:
Me: Good morning (of course no matter what time of day it is)! I have 4 questions for you, let’s see if you studied for the test...
Patient: (most of the time, chuckle)
Me: Have you had a fever in the last 48 hours?
Patient: No
Me: Have you had a persistent cough recently?
Patient: No
Me: Have you been tested for COVID-19 recently?
Patient (sometimes): Yes
Me: Do you know the results of the test?
Patient (about 85% of the time): Negative
Me: You don’t know the results of the test? (Straight face behind mask)
Patient: It was negative
Me: (smile and chuckle showing through mask)
Patient: Ohhhh! I get it! (Laughs 95% of the time)
Me: Dad jokes have to happen... 🙂
/insert question #4 here, unrelated to said joke... heh
I asked the mother if it was hard giving birth to two babies in one day.
She looked me dead in the eyes with a straight face and said, pointing at her husband, "not really. I had one and he had the other"
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
“Yes of course” replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit ➡Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.
Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.
- Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
- Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
- Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
- Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
- Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
- Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
- Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
- Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
- Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
- Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
- Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
- Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
- Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
- When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
- Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
- Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
- Always go straight home after work or school
- Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
- Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
- Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
...the one thing I actually look forward to when we go to Hobby Lobby is the moment we're walking through the store, I try to keep a perfectly straight face and act like I have a genuine interest in something on the shelf, I reach up and I say something like, "Oh, look at this nice little Stool sample!"
(Not really a joke, but a true dad joke recurring scenario of mine)
Because no one could keep a straight face calling him Master Vader.
So I was checking out at the store with my girlfriend. All I bought was toilet paper and bacon. The cashier scans my two items and says with a straight face: "it's no wonder you have a girlfriend. You're rolling in the paper AND bringing home the bacon."
Definitely made me laugh, and he just went about his business like he never made the joke at all.
He finds it hard to keep a straight face.
A kid was manning the pump and I asked if they take cards He replies with a straight face : No we give it back after swiping
In Fry Electronics and this guy starts telling my dad about how he should look at some product and he goes "That's AMAZING! One day, they'll put movies on discs or something, just think of the possibilities" the guy goes "DUDE! THEY HAVE THOSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" rushes him over to the dvd section.
Because they couldn't keep a straight face!
I'm running a booth at an orientation fair at a major university in the south. New out of state student and his dad come up and introduce themselves.
Me: "So, how did you end up in the south?"
Dad: "We drove."
Me: "No, I mean what brought you down here?"
Straight-faced dad: "The car."
They can't keep a straight face.
He couldn't keep a straight face
Cause they can't keep a straight face.
Because you can't always keep a straight face
He couldn't keep a straight face
They can't keep a straight face
Because they can’t keep a straight face.
They can never make a straight face.
He finds it hard to keep a straight face.
They can’t keep a straight face
Because i couldnt keep a straight face
