Straight face test Puns

The setup: I tell a victim (I mostly did that to women) that I just learned about an interesting personality test. Then I tell her to list all her senses (hearing, sight, etc) and that from the order in which she lists them I can infer some of her character traits. Once she’s done, I go - the list you gave tells me something very important about you, namely that you have difficulty understanding jokes… (pause, perplexed expression on a victim’s face) b/c you didn’t list a sense of humor…

I’ve got a lot of groans and some good laughs out of them ladies :) The only difficulty is keeping a straight face throughout)

True story, I work in the health industry, get to ask these questions from time to time:

Me: Good morning (of course no matter what time of day it is)! I have 4 questions for you, let’s see if you studied for the test...

Patient: (most of the time, chuckle)

Me: Have you had a fever in the last 48 hours?

Patient: No

Me: Have you had a persistent cough recently?

Patient: No

Me: Have you been tested for COVID-19 recently?

Patient (sometimes): Yes

Me: Do you know the results of the test?

Patient (about 85% of the time): Negative

Me: You don’t know the results of the test? (Straight face behind mask)

Patient: It was negative

Me: (smile and chuckle showing through mask)

Patient: Ohhhh! I get it! (Laughs 95% of the time)

Me: Dad jokes have to happen... 🙂

/insert question #4 here, unrelated to said joke... heh

Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.

Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.

1. Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
2. Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
3. Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
4. Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
5. Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
6. Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
7. Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
8. Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
9. Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
10. Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
11. Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
12. Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
13. Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
14. When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
15. Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
16. Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
17. Always go straight home after work or school
18. Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
19. Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
20. Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
    Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.