when she came back, I asked what was wrong and she said, "I had to pee ya know?"
Because it's the breakfast of champignons!
So that i can get a lead on an idea
Dead center.
We were sitting down to dinner and one of our cats was meowing for attention. He said: "C'mon butterscotch, you gotta be kitten me".
I was so proud of meow boy.
He replied "A cactus, because they grow easily and you don't even touch them."
Background: Wife and I took our son to his 1 month pediatrician appointment yesterday, where the only minor issue she noted was a slight flattening on the left side of his head because he likes to look one way instead of the other. Hilarity ensued when we got home.
Wife: "If we're not careful, our son is going to have to wear one of those special helmets because he'll have a flat head."
Me: "Then I guess it's a good thing we didn't name him Phillip!"
/cue rimshot
Raisin' Bran.
He knew he had a wiener on his hands
But then it was downhill all the way.
BP....
I told him people in glass houses shouldn't throw stones.
It is mostly about details.
Cool, start it off …
I thought she was all torque.
A terrible thing happened this morning. I was dreaming that I was telling a joke but just before I said the punchline, my alarm went off and woke me up. Now I’m left in limbo.
Can anyone here suggest a punchline?
The joke started: So, there were three robots on the surface of Mars…
If you had a business that specialized in lower limb prosthesetics, could you call it a "faux toe shop"?
And I'll be a bullionaire
I left my phone in Airplane mode
What did you expect? Her coach was a pumpkin.
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don't you think?
Because they never have a point!
Never put Korn in the microwave for two minutes, otherwise they'll start playing pop music.
He had multiple tractors on his farm, tractor posters on his walls, watched documentaries about tractors, in short, his house was full of tractor paraphernalia.
One day, the Bob's wife, Mary was taking a stroll out in the fields, just where he happened to be riding one of his tractors. Bob was gunning it up and down the fields, having a blast. But then he started driving in the direction of his wife. Despite her screams, Bob couldnt hear Mary over the loud engine of his tractor, and ended up unfortunately running her over.
After this, Bob felt guilty about killing his wife. He sold all of his tractors, he took down all of his posters, and threw away all of his tractor merch. He sold his farm and bought a new house in the suburbs to further distance himself from tractors.
After a few years, Bob felt it was time to start dating again, so he started going to his local coffee shop, hoping to find a new girlfriend. Bob was pleased to find the most beautiful woman he had ever seen, so he introduced himself, and they really hit it off. They started going on dates and got to know each other better.
After a few years of dating, Bob felt it was time to propose, so he prepared a beautiful date in the fanciest restaurant in the city. They had a lovely dinner and before they ordered dessert, he decided it was time to propose. But as Bob got the ring box out of his pocket he dropped it, and bending over to pick it up, he knocked his head on the table, knocking a candle over. The candle set fire to the tablecloth and quickly spread to the carpet.
A waiter quickly came up and poured a big jug of water onto the fire in order to put it out, but this caused a plume of smoke to come up, filling the restaurant. Everyone was choking and coughing, so Bob takes a deep breath, sucking in all of the smoke, and runs out of the restaurant. He pokes his head out the door and breathes out, all of the smoke flying away outside. His date is amazed and asked "Wow! how did you do that?"
Bob laughed and said "It's quite simple, I'm an Ex-Tractor Fan"
I just renewed my Gin Membership, it's my Booze'Year's Resolution
That way you’ll start off the new year on the right foot.
It's voice starts to quack!
I'll be starting at aardvark, like everybody else.
Who was camping with our group. He ended up scratching himself on his arm a little bit and comes crying to us. I tell him it looks pretty bad and he will have to cut his arm off. He starts to cry louder so I ask why? Is he attached to it or something?
He didn't tell me what to do with those damn letters though.
Start cracking open some cold Budweisers. 4-5 beers deep, they see reds and blues in the rear view. The passenger says “shit, what do we do?” The driver says peel the label off your bottle and stick it to your forehead. They both peel labels, stick to foreheads, toss bottles under seat and pull over.
Office walks up and immediately asks “have you been drinking? “ the men reply; “no officer, we’re on the patch”.
I'm training for this ahead of time.
Edit #1: Thank you reddit. I think you ensured I will be getting divorced. Don't let up, it's full steam ahead.
Edit #2: My wife hates train puns. I sent her screen shots. She's on to my loco-motives.
Edit #3: I'm speechless. Largely because it's like 6am and I want to stay quiet to not wake up my wife, she's out coal'd, snoring like a freight train. I feel like you all really railed it with these jokes. I hope that she doesn't chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga choose choose to divorce me. I couldn't wait until the train ride. I told my wife some of the jokes. I working on a YouTube compilation of them from last night. I feel like she conducted herself quite well.
Edit #4: [These jokes were off the rails. Here is the YouTube link of my wife's reaction so far.] (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)
Edit #5: I'm about to start training.
So we’re traveling in the tropics and there’s a bunch of flamingos we’re watching and they all take off and start to fly except this one on the outskirts. And I say “looks like that fla-ming didn’t go”
A computer programmer was driving whilst contemplating the idea of a 2 to be added to the binary system, so consumed by this conundrum resulting in a lack of attention to the road. She crashed shortly thereafter and was attached to a life support in a hospital overnight. Doctors told her family "we've tried everything but nothing seems to be working, it's time you say your goodbyes". Her husband entered and said "I'm no good at this, I don't know what to do", her child tripped over the life support cord and unplugged it, the child then replugged the life support in and miraculously the computer programmer woke up instantly and starting putting on her boots. The doctor exclaimed "Impossible, how did you recover so fast?!"
"I was turned off and on again so I'm booting up"
Luckily I caught the flue
I sometimes go to the “Idiot of the Year” event in our prairie town, where each year hundreds of people from the town and nearby villages gather in the community hall for jokes and a guessing game. It starts with various people coming on stage to tell bad jokes, and finishes with the guessing game, which involves the master of ceremonies pulling a blanket off a mystery object on stage. The first person to name the object gets the “Idiot of the Year” trophy, which is an old shoe nailed to a block of wood. Three years ago, the object was an old bicycle, and Melvin Sneeter, who works in the local hardware store, was the first to yell out “bicycle”. Two years ago, Cynthia Frizzle, a housewife from the nearby town of Spuzzum, was correct with “tricycle”. And last year, the object was a bit more difficult, so the trophy wasn't awarded, because nobody knew the name of that one-wheeled contraption that you must balance and pedal.
So I can start the year off on the right foot
Kinda defeets the porpoise, don’t you think?
So that you start off the New Year on the right foot.
