It was a pretty cool view.
It's all downhill from here.
I told her I was sorry for such a cheesy joke.
Surprised, she asked, "How do you know?"
I replied, "Well, it's a little pail!"
"Yeah, because from a distance, it'll look like hare!"
It was the high-light of my life.
I shouted, “An excellent question, my dear! But next time, please use the buzzer!”
On a road trip back home from a job, we pulled into the gas station with another truck from the BNSF railroad. We parked next to each other, and since he got there first,we had to wait for him to get out of the truck.
I ask my boss, "So, do you know how long he's been working on the railroad?"
He was very confused and didn't know what the hell I was talking about so in a high pitched falsetto I sang, "All the live long day!"
Pretty quiet ride after that.
We're all sat watching a film with Christopher Plummer
Me: Is that Christopher Plummer?
Dad: No , it's Christopher the electrician.
cue exceptionally unimpressed look from me
So some guests were over and he was asking me to play a game with him. I felt obligated to stay with the guests, so after some refusal he jokingly massaged my shoulders and said "but I knead you. "
Turns out he just meant "need"....
Context: Dad throws baby into the air at the end of the commercial. http://i.imgur.com/1ipOPSM.jpg
Comment Snap: http://imgur.com/zrF1wYh
We were ordering chinese food and deciding on what to get.
My dad: Pick a chinese dish you'd like to eat for tonight.
Me: I'd rather not honestly, they're so hard and porcelain. I don't think I'd like to eat a chinese dish tonight.
I paused for a second while I thought and said, “It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”
If it gets any worse, I guess I’ll have to let her in.
It's just a waist of time
It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.
An Escasooner
Chicken sees a salad!
and it was all taken away in the blink of an eye.
He started pointing them out to me.
"Llama, llama, llama, llama, llama, chameleon."
++++++++++++++++++
I thought of this today while driving and smacked my wheel as I giggled. My girlfriend stared at me, bemused and confused.
I like it. I'm proud of myself.
If it gets any worse I'll have to let her in.
I said there’s a long standing tradition in my family. She asked what is it? I said I just told you.
Wife: The kids moved my bookmark.
Me: all these years and you haven’t learned my name is Austin.
Wife stared at me blankly for a few moments and then went on with her day. Lol
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, then whatever is left over, comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet! And that, is poo!"
She looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
She replied “the ball is round daddy” (with a straight face) So I tell her “no, what I mean is, get mad! I want you to hit the ball really hard like if you were mad at it!”
She grabs the ball, stares right at it and says “I’M REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BALL!” Then throws it right back at me.
Proud dad moment.
"No son, have you seen my dadglasses?"
Pirated movies
Ernie: Sherbert
EDIT: Wow, I'm amazed at the upvotes.. Totally made my day. I came up with this yesterday while staring at bees pollinating our flowers. Random.
This evening’s definitely looking up
Stare roids
Take a pitcher it’ll last longer.
I told her she must of been literary exhausted.
maybe it'll help jog your memory.
They are immediately rushed back to a room. Soon a Labrador Retriever walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for ten minutes and then leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for ten minutes and then leaves. The doctor then comes back with a 250$ bill. “There must be a mistake”, the man says, “I’ve only been here twenty minutes. “No mistake” the vet says, “It’s 100$ for the lab test, 100$ for the cat scan and 50$ for the medicine”
Trevor loved tractors. And I mean, really loved tractors. Forget any obsessions or high-level interests you may have, chances are they pale in the face of Trevor’s love for tractors.
Every day Trevor would get up, in his tractor-themed bedroom in his tractor-themed house, with its tractor-themed wallpaper and tractor-themed carpets, and he would make his bed with its tractor-themed duvet and tractor-themed sheets. He would go downstairs in his tractor-themed pajamas into his tractor-themed kitchen, with its tractor-themed tiles and cupboards, and he would eat his breakfast while perusing the latest tractor-themed magazine or annual.
Trevors’s degree in Agricultural Engineering hung on his living room wall, along with a copy of his thesis, which centred around (you guessed it) tractors. The living room was decorated with all sorts of tractor-related trinkets, including die-cast models, paintings and drawings.
The hedges in Trevor’s front garden were trimmed in the shape of tractors. His lawn was vividly decorated with tractor-driving garden gnomes, and his garden furniture was constructed from various parts from vintage tractor designs.
Trevor just had one thing missing from his otherwise tractor-centric life; he had never actually owned, nor driven, a real tractor.
Not for his lack of trying, of course. Trevor had been to many tractor shows over the years, and visited many farms with friends of his, but none of the tractors he had seen had ever been quite right. Trevor was so knowledgeable about tractors that every single one he had come across had possessed some hidden trait that he wasn’t keen on. His first experience of driving a real tractor had to be perfect.
One day, Trevor was flicking through one of his favourite publications, Powertrain Quarterly, when there was a knock at the door. Trevor answered, and it was his friend and fellow tractor enthusiast, Jeff.
Trevor welcomed Jeff in, and over tea and crumpets served on tractor-themed crockery, they discussed the merits of aluminium drawbars and front-end loaders. Eventually Trevor pressed Jeff to explain the reason for his visit.
“Well” said Jeff, “As I’m sure you know the convention comes to town later”.
The convention. Trevor had been thinking of little else the past three weeks. The neighbouring town annually threw a convention for farmers, particularly farmyard machinery. There would be combine harvesters, lawnmowers, and of course, tractors.
“Yes of course” replied Trevor
... keep reading on reddit ➡“We use 3 cans of water to distract it.”
“What?”
“Ya it should lose focus soon enough.”
the eye rolls from my partner were fantastic.
This happened tonight. We were talking about “concentrate” because they read me silly jokes from their school milk cartons like “why does X stare at the can of OJ? Because it says ‘concentrate’.” So we were talking about what the word meant.
The boy's nervousness builds, but he then asks, "Do you like potato pancakes?"
"No," comes the answer and the silence returns like a suffocating blanket.
"Do you have a brother?"
"No."
After giving it some thought, the boy plays his last card, "If you had a brother, would he like potato pancakes?"
When he’s finished, the barkeep asks if he wants another. The horse replies, “I don’t think I do...” and vanished from existence.
To get the joke, you need to know Rene Descartes’ theory “I think, therefore I am.” But if I explained that before the joke, I would be putting Descartes before de horse.
<Staring into the crowd like Fozzie Bear>
... I’ll show myself out.
I heard it's in a hull, new world!
Because it said 'concentrate'
I shifted my seat to look out of the window to stare at the wall directly across the street.
Imma wall street banker now
Because it said “concentrate”
Take a pitcher, it'll last longer!
Because they were chicks he claimed it was birdwatching.
A woman comes home from the hypnotist and tells her husband, "Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone."
"No more headaches?" the husband asks, "What happened?"
His wife replies, "Dawn referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat 'I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache; I do not have a headache.' It worked... The headaches are all gone."
The husband replies, "Well, that is wonderful."
His wife then says, "You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?" The husband agrees to try it.
Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, "Don't move, I'll be right back."
He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before. His wife says, "That was wonderful..."
The husband says, "Don't move... I will be right back." He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time.
The wife sits up and her head is spinning. Her husband again says, "Don't move, I'll be right back." With that, he goes back in the bathroom.
This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying, "She's not my wife. She's not
The bartender says, “Take a pitcher. It’ll last longer.”
One day, the dad went to use the bathroom, thinking it was unused. There was a loud crash and he sighed, staring down at the scattered mess on the floor.
"Please, son," he said, "will you quit leaving the door a jar?"
a lock peeker
. . .
p.s: this is my first dad joke. sorry if it was bad.
Me: Nothing, my hindsight is 20/20
Isn't that egg-static?
Because it says "concentrated"
Because it said, Focus
They drew.
I have, it hertz.
They claim I tested positive for stare-oids.
Dad: Hey son, look at that Walmart bag up there!
Son: I can see it! I wonder how it got there.
Dad: Do you know where it came from?
Son: No, do you?
Dad: Walmart.
If it gets any worse out there I’ll have to let her back in the house.
It's been a while since I've played any bored games.
Wife: What on earth are you doing?
Me: I think I’ve some problems with my inner sole.
I have half a mind to tell em where to go.
He’s a total terraceist.
She was thinking: "That Monk, He's a Prime Mate."
It's true, I saw it with my own eyes
A chicken sees a salad.
Chicken sees a salad
Chicken Ceasar Salad.
Chicken Caesar salad
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes...
Chicken sees a salad
Chicken sees-a salad
Cuz it said concentrate!
They’re immediately taken back to a room.
Soon, a Labrador walks in, sniffs the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Then a cat comes in, stares at the Chihuahua for 10 minutes and leaves. Finally, the doctor
comes in, prescribes some medicine and hands the man a $250 bill.
“This must be a mistake,” the man says. “I’ve been here only 20 minutes!”
“No mistake,” the doctor says. “It’s $100 for the lab test, $100 for the cat scan and $50 for the medicine.”
Chicken sees a salad.
Chicken Caesar salad
Chicken sees a salad
