One time a German tourist dove into a river to save someone's dog. When he came back, he said to the owner, "Here iz ze dog, put him in a blΓ€nket so he iz dry and warm." The owners ask him, "How do you know, are yoy a vet?" The German looks at them blankly, "Vet? Im fucking soaking!"
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpillsMcDribble
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
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I bought a thesaurus but when I opened it all the pages were blank

I had no words to describe how angry I was

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/simszter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2021
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Blank envelope....

Now, thats something that needs addressing.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2021
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I finally bought the limited edition Thesaurus that I've always wanted. When I opened it, all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

πŸ‘︎ 240
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolyfe-dc
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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A barrel o' puns. (Blank version at end) reddit.com/gallery/l8axkr
πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fishshake
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.

"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."

Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jewyouevenlift
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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I just finished Grosse Pointe Blank and now I’m putting on Good Will Hunting.

It’s a Minnie marathon.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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A man who had just died was delivered to the mortuary wearing a beautiful black suit.

The mortician asked the deceased’s wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out the man looks good in the black suit he’s already wearing. The widow however said she thought her husband always looked his best in blue, and she would really like him in a blue suit. She then hands the mortician a blank cheque and says β€œI don’t care how much it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.” The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe. Remarkably, the suit fit him perfectly. She says to the mortician, β€œwhatever this costs I’m very satisfied, you did an excellent job and I’m incredibly grateful. How much did you spend?” To her astonishment the mortician presents her with her blank cheque, and he says β€œthere’s no charge.” Shocked she replies β€œno really, I feel like i must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit.” β€œHonestly ma’am”, the mortician says, β€œit costs nothing, you see a diseased gentleman about your husbands size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday. He was wearing an attractive blue suit. So I asked his wife if she minded if her husband went to the grave wearing black. She had said it made no difference so long as he looked nice. So from that point on it was really just a matter of switching the heads.”

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PaladinDanza
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
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Past Your Eyes

My wife and I were grocery shopping a few years ago.

I am 6'6", she is 5'1".

She couldn't find something and asked for help.

I found it on an 'upper' shelf.

She said she hadn't seen it, and I said it was past-eur-ized. She looked blank, then her face lit up, and laughed.

It is a situation we will always share.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/karl1952
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2021
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Why do my university lecture theatres have all this blank artwork on the walls?

Link.

It's baffling.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ktisis
πŸ“…︎ Mar 17 2020
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I heard a good one today but now I'm drawing a blank...

X_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2020
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What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

(Apparently you get deleted by a bot for having the punchline in the title, forcing me to spoil the joke by including some text rather than leaving this blank as it should be to get the full effect.)

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/klwill1192
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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I was having dinner with two Pastors once.

I couldn't reach the food, so I said, "Excuse me Pastor, can you pass the pasta past the Pastor?"

(This actually happened, but it was kind of a letdown - they both just looked at me blankly, then resumed eating.)

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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Killed the bookmark joke today!

Wife: The kids moved my bookmark.

Me: all these years and you haven’t learned my name is Austin.

Wife stared at me blankly for a few moments and then went on with her day. Lol

πŸ‘︎ 86
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πŸ‘€︎ u/carper5
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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I asked my dad what his favorite joke was

He looked up at me with a blank stare and said, β€œyou.”

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dale3h
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2021
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The blank face of the vet said it all . . .

While getting a blood test for our dog the vet explained that she would ring us when the lab-test results came in. To which my dad promptly replied "Why are you running a LAB-test when she is a Corgi?"

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/princess_eve
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
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My wife showed me two quilts, and asked me which one I preferred.

I said, β€œI refuse to make blanket statements.”

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
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I told my carpenter not to carpet my steps.

He gave me a blank stair.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlaik
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2020
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The Monk and The Cow

A monk sits at the peak of a hill that overlooks where the grassy Earth meets a river, the river flows with a breeze, and the breeze explores a mountain range, and the mountains neighbor the sky, and the sky conceals the entire universe, hiding the unknown in plain sight. The monk exhales "Ooooomm". He repeats this until a noise, very faint, breaks his chant.

"moo."

The monk stops for a moment but, without changing his position, dismisses it. "Ooooooommm." He begins again.

He's interrupted again, "moooo."

The monk turns to find a cow looking up at him from the bottom of the hill. "Kind cow," the monk says, "please do not interrupt my meditation."

The cow stares blankly back at the monk. The monk sighs and continues.

"Oooooommmm-"

Even louder, "Mmmooooooooo."

"Dear cow, I must reach enlightenment. Please, refrain from making your cow noises or find another hill."

The monk continues again, "Oooooooommmm-"

"MMMmmoooooooooooO!" The cow exclaims.

The monk stands up angrily, "Cow! Why must you interrupt my chanting?"

The cow replies, "Because you're saying it backwards!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/baconbuddy95
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
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Last night I was finishing up pressure washing my driveway and one neighbor dad drove by and said β€œlookin’ good, great practice for when you do mine this weekend”, and then turned to his wife in the passenger seat laughing hysterically as she looked at him with a blank stare.
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sheptown
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2018
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I got a job as a bullet

But I was immediately fired.

πŸ‘︎ 852
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
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What do you call a *blank*'s offspring?

A blanket.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuspicionCabbage
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
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I dropped the perfect terrible pun at work last winter...

So there were 6 of us...

With freezing rain pouring down on us at the end of a long work day, and in the middle of a daunting task- pulling underground cables, linking four transformers together (a task where something goes wrong about 50% of the time)

There is a jet line (pulling line) attached to the head of the cable being ran, and as we are nearing completion I hear my foreman (standing at the endpoint) yell "THE JET LINE IS FRAYING!!!".

Without pause I scream back "I was a FRAYED this would happen!"

The tension on the line ceases, and I look around and see 5 blank expressions just staring back at me.

Best day of my comedic life

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyLatestInvention
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2020
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A conversation with my 11 year old this morning...

Son: Dad, there's a hole in your t-shirt. Me: I know, it's my religious t-shirt. Son: gives me a blank look Me: It's holy!

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarthCoffeeBean
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
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I'm mentally preparing myself for the "Oh my gosh, i havent *blank* since LAST YEAR" jokes

(Ned Stark's voice) "Dadjokes are coming"

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Goodguyjack2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2017
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I need help

Alright you punny people, I need help. I’m making a cake for a man. It’s his birthday, his wife is having a baby, and it is his last day at his current job. Current job is buying the cake and told me to write something funny including all the occasions. I’m not creative when put on the spot so I have completely drawn a blank on a great pun! Much appreciated!!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amieability
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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I asked the gentleman at the UPS store what his record was. He gave me a blank stare.

It seemed a reasonable question, him being a professional boxer and all.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NiacTD
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2014
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I just bought a dictionary today and bought it home to find out that all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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I just bought a Thesaurus at the store and bought it home to find all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

πŸ‘︎ 202
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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I ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

πŸ‘︎ 336
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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Just bought a thesaurus and got home to find out the pages are all blank!

I have no words to describe how angry I am...

πŸ‘︎ 435
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πŸ‘€︎ u/metalmarky82
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2020
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The other day, I bought a thesaurus. When I got home, I opened it up and all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.
πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5c077_fr33
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2018
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The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am

πŸ‘︎ 688
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pianobyalex2005
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2019
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I bought a thesaurus on-line and when it arrived all the pages were blank.

I have no words for how angry I am.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Gearidall_M_Grey
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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I bought a dictionary the other day, but when I got home it was just blank pages

I have no words to Express how angry I am.

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naiphe
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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So I bought a thesaurus the other day... But all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yaagii
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2019
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I just bought a thesaurus, but all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am

πŸ‘︎ 190
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skycraft-ak
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
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The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank...

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/spikeo0
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
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I bought a thesaurus and when I got home I saw that all the pages were blank.

I have no words to describe how angry I am.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jindabyne1
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2018
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The other day I bought a thesaurus, but when I got home and opened it, all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am ....

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rivercitytees
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2018
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I bought the most expensive dictionary I could find, but when I opened it, all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GamingGod07770
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2019
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The other day I bought a blank thesaurus....

I had no words to express my disappointment!

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lawless_7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
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The dictionary I ordered on eBay had only blank pages in it

I have no words to describe how angry I am

πŸ‘︎ 117
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πŸ‘€︎ u/womencaviar
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
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I ordered a thesaurus on Amazon, but when it arrived every page was blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am right now.

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ValkornDoA
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2017
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I just bought a thesaurus and when I got home all the pages were blank...

I have no words to describe how angry I am right now.

πŸ‘︎ 33
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OuttaTheSideHatch
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2018
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I bought a thesaurus at the store, but when I got home all the pages were blank...

I had no words to describe how angry I was.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DemonicPenguinn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2018
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I bought a thesaurus and found that all the pages were blank

I have no words to describe how angry I am

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TimHP
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2018
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