Crash dummy
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Iamjorzy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2021
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I’m reading the book β€œAdhesives for Dummies.”

I just can’t put it down!

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
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A ventriloquist is performing with his dummy on the lap.

He’s telling a dumb blonde joke when a young platinum haired beauty jumps to feet, β€œwhat gives you the right to stereotype blondes that way?”she demands. β€œWhat does hair color have to do with my worth as a human being?”

Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to stammer an apology

β€œYou keep out of this! She yells, β€œI’m talking to that little jerk on your knee!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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What’s a crash test dummy’s favorite song?

Let The Bodies Hit The Floor.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jzerene
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2020
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What can you learn from a dummy?

Their mistake

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Mariposa5487
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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My uncle was a ventriloquist dummy. He died drinking furniture polish.

It was a slow death but a beautiful finish.

Heard this one on Whose Line last night. Credit to Ryan Stiles.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mosk915
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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I got the book "Internet Forums for Dummies" from a friend...

But I need to take it back, because I already reddit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Maimonides_vii
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2016
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Why do we test seat belts with crash test dummies ?

Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dadjokeretailer
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
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I bought myself a crash test dummy

I always wanted to test one of those blow-up dolls

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πŸ‘€︎ u/psayayayduck
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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No dummy!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blitzcrig
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
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I always bring a ventriloquist dummy with me to job interviews

I think my resume speaks for itself

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πŸ‘€︎ u/36chambersoffun
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2019
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What do you call a crash test dummy that doesn’t want to do anything?

A pro-crash-tinator

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SciencyLlama
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
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Did you hear about the ventriloquist whose dummy looks like a donkey?

He's always talking out of his ass.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Torley_
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
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What does a ventriloquist's dummy use to hear?

His puppeteer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HenkeTime
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2017
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Why are crash test dummies so successful in Hollywood

Because all their vehicles are smash hits

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πŸ‘€︎ u/simplyosk
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2018
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I confronted a mime today.

He did unspeakable things.

Thank you for the awards. You made my day πŸ˜ƒ

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BlankPhotos
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
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I asked my daughter what sprinters eat before a race

She said β€˜fast food’. I said β€˜no, dummy... that would give them the runs... they eat nothing; they fast’

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πŸ‘€︎ u/superto3
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2021
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I’ve written a book for new ventriloquists

β€œVentriloquism for Dummies”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jglittle12
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2021
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My 5 year old got me with this one:

5yo: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Me: Why?

5yo: To get to the dummy's house.

Me:...

5yo:...

Me:...

5yo: Knock Knock.

Me: Who's there?

5yo: The chicken.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wellimnotdeadyet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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I met a ventriloquist at a bar who told me I was attractive.

I wasn't sure if it was her or the beer talking.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/elster000
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2021
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Whats brown and sticky

A stick. What else dummy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/K1llerpanda1
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2020
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From my 6 yr old....

What has two arms and no legs....but it always runs?!

a clock you dummy!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dorkyhood
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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Knock knock

Whose there?

Cow says

Cow says who?

No, cow says moo, dummy

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2020
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Looks like someone's working his ass off
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πŸ‘€︎ u/applicantx
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
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My parents said to me that the world didn't revolve around me.

But I'm their sun

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AwesomeW2017
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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If you want to test how well vehicles perform during automobile crashes...

You have to be a real dummy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckyocouch_
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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Abbott and Costello talk about Lou's new dog

(From Abbott and Costello’sΒ radio show, December 30, 1943)
Lou Costello: Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me!
Bud Abbott: No!
Lou Costello: Yeah, Mrs. Niles gave me a dog for a Christmas present, and the dog just took a great big bite out of me!
Bud Abbott: Where did he bite you?
Lou Costello: Well, if I’d have been wearing a license plate, he’d have gotten the last three numbers.
Bud Abbott: Where did this happen?
Lou Costello: Well, let me see, where did this happen β€” in a crowded streetcar. It was the first time I ever gave my seat to a dog.
Bud Abbott: Well, never mind that. What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?
Lou Costello: Do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart?
Bud Abbott: Yes, I remember Strongheart.
Lou Costello: Well, this is his brother β€” Weak Stomach.
Bud Abbott: Listen, I’m not talking about that. What is the dog’s breed?
Lou Costello: What does he breed? He breeds through his nose, like you and me!
Bud Abbott: No, no, no, you dummy, what kind of dog is he? Spitz?
Lou Costello: No, but he drools a little.
Bud Abbott: Look, there are different types of dogs, such as Setters, and Pointers, …
Lou Costello: That’s it, Abbott! He’s a Setter-Pointer!
Bud Abbott: A Setter-Pointer?
Lou Costello: Yeah, he sets all day and points at the icebox! (Editor’s note: we now call an β€œicebox” a β€œrefrigerator”)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
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Combined my first 2 joke sets into 1. Enjoy!

I will now take suggestions on how to be more sensitive to deaf people. I'm all ears!

  1. As a ventroliquist, I made one of my dummies sing a song by the GoGos. I'm not going to tell you how I did it. My lips are sealed!
  2. Im the only council member against the construction of the beach. Im going against the grain!
  3. Why did God make me a conjoined twin? Im beside myself!
  4. I put aluminum on a villain's mind control devices. I foiled his plan!
  5. Even though I'm scared of heights, I still go skydiving with this girl I like. Im falling for her!
  6. My shoelace company collapsed. I couldn't make ends meet!
  7. I like using misdirection in my jokes to make people laugh. Or do I?
  8. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a hotdog. I'm on a roll!
  9. I won my 17th straight Halloween costume contest dressed as a nerd. I'm honor roll!
  10. The answer to this question, "Who's the president of the United States?" is a no-brainer.
  11. I finished a race the other day. I won 'cause I killed all the Kenyans!
  12. I don't know how to wear a wig. At least not off the top of my head.
  13. I went grocery shopping at Harris Teeter for a 50% off everything sale. I went in for a carrot and came out with a half, which is why I now shop at Whole Foods!
  14. If youre being attacked by zombies, just throw a party! Nobody wants to kill the life of the party!
  15. I used to date a girl, who still uses a nightlight. What a turn-off!
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ADAToTheMoon
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2018
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What do you call a nose with no hair?

A nose, dummy.

Courtesy of my 7yo daughter. Such pride.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DreadnoughtPoo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2019
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My son got me a good one

We were at an exhibition, and there was an Army Ambulance with a practice dummy on a trolley hanging out the back. He turned to me and said

.

.

.

Look, Plastic Surgery!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheUmpteenth
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2017
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I bought a broken marionette recently

No strings attached

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BoydOrr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2016
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My dad hit us with a good one at dinner tonight

At dinner tonight I was talking about trying out the crafts for the summer camp I work for. Without missing a beat my dad says, "Oh, so you're a craft-test dummy?" Despite the fact we all groaned he still beamed proudly and pumped his fists in the air.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/omib
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2014
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The car wash.

I've been too busy to go get an emissions test, so while my mom and I went out to run some errands, my dad did that and also filled my tank and took my car through the wash.

Dad: Did you notice anything different about your car?

Me: No.

Dad: I got you a carwash. I heard that the dirt needs to be changed every 6,000 miles.

Edited because I'm a dummy.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nogoodverybad
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2014
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