Groanhenge
F
F
U
T
S
S
I
H
T
You couldn't make this stuff up.
He took a bite, smirked and said, "This bacon is great Sarah. It's hard to believe it's sodium free!"
My wife looked at me with a quizzical look on her face and responded, "Ummm... Bruce...this isn't sodium free bacon."
"I know!" My dad exclaimed. "That's why it's so hard to believe!"
My next poop could spell disaster.
He was all bark and no bite
Now, I have back issues.
I ate an entire deck of carbs!
Want to hear a chimney joke?
I got stacks of them, first one's on the house
He only had his shelf to blame
But I’m just grasping at straws here.
I have back issues.
In fact, you could even say it was a blockbuster
One happened to put the letter T into a toy stacking cup I was holding. I tried to give it to him but he didn't want it.
So I turned to my other son and said, "Hmm, guess it's not his cup of T".
Neither 3yo got it so I had to tell someone.
A tripod.
I think he had a wrecked aisle dysfunction...
She gave them back with a puzzled look. I informed her we just exchanged words.
I took my piggy bank to the five and dime store and they told me they didn't take any thing under a dollar...
A policy like that just makes no cents...
Me: Dad, do you need these?
Dad (with a shit-eating grin): YES! In fact, I was going to put them in the bank. Then it would be a pole vault!
Bonus rebuttal! My husband (not a dad): Look, do you want us to help you or not?
One was broken I said "that's a pane" many groans were exchanged
You can say it's on the house.
As loud as possible: "HEY!"
"Just one would have been fine!"
Nothing like playing blackjack with Jack Black over a stack of flapjacks
Then, I saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow.
It was addressed, 'Dad'.
With the worst premonition, I opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands:
"Dear, Dad.
It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.
I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy.
She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight motorcycle clothes and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad.
She's pregnant.
Stacy said that we will be very happy.
She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter.
We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone.
We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so that Stacy can get better.
She sure deserves it!
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true.
I'm over at Jason's house.
I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home!"
I work security at a large lab. We have a safety rating of green/yellow/red that we need to ask incoming workers. This occurred today when my co-worker greeted an incoming employee.
Co-worker: “Hello. What kind of work are you doing today? Green, yellow, or red work?”
Employee: “I’m just going to my office to water my plants.”
Me: “That’s definitely green work.”
Co-worker: “Did you have to?”
Me: “Sorry. That joke was low hanging fruit.”
Co-worker: “Really?”
Me: “Guess I’m stacking them up like cord wood today.”
Once upon a time there were three little pigs, Pork Chop, Hambone, and Bacon.
The boys lived at home with their mother. One day their mother said, “I no longer have enough food to feed you boys, you need to go out on your own and find your fortunes.”
Not wanting to upset their mother they left the house together to seek their fortunes.
Several miles into their journey Bacon, the little pig everyone liked best, said, “Let’s build our houses here! This seems like a great place to start making our fortunes.”
Pork Chop and Hambone agreed. So they all began building their houses.
Pork Chop, the laziest of the bunch, decided to build his house out of straw, which he apparently stole from a nearby field. It was not a very sturdy building material, but Pork Chop didn’t care. All he wanted to do was play all day, and he didn’t want to spend too much time building.
Hambone was willing to work a bit harder and he decided to build his house out of sticks which he procured by de-limbing every tree within a 300 meter radius of their homestead.
Hambone and Pork Chop were happy. Now all they had to do was to play and sleep the rest of the day.
Now Bacon was a hard worker. He knew that his brothers had used bad materials and shoddy construction methods and he wanted to build the best house he could. He found several tons of bricks stacked in neatly ordered pallets in the forest which he decided to use for his building material. It took him several days, but when he was done Bacon had the best house on the homestead.
The next day a wolf, Scott Howard, happened upon the pig brothers and their new homestead. He spied the straw house and smelled Pork Chop inside and began to think to himself that Pork Chop would make a mighty fine meal, so Scott went and knocked on the door.
Scott said, “Little Pig! Little Pig! Let me in!”
Pork Chop replied, “No way José! Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin!”
Scott, undeterred by the reply says, “Then I’ll huff, and I’ll puff, and I’ll blow your crappy straw house to the ground!”
Scott began to huff and puff. He was evidently having some sort of asthma attack, but after a few tugs from his handy dandy rescue inhaler, he was able to muster enough wind to blow Pork Chops straw house to the ground.
Pork Chop narrowly escaped Scott’s massive jaws. Scared, and now homeless, Pork Chop ran for the nearest shelter he could see. Hambone’s house.
Scott, undeterred, chased Pork Chop to his new hiding place. Scott was very pleas
... keep reading on reddit ➡He said "I heard it's a real blockbuster!"
But there were some baby goats there using alchemy to paper money into coins near the exit. As I rushed out the door, I tripped over some of their stacks of coins, which knocked me out til the police showed up.
I was so close! And, honestly, I would have gotten away with it too... if it weren't for those metaling kids.
A newsboy was standing on the corner with a stack of papers, yelling, “Read all about it. Fifty people swindled! Fifty people swindled!”
Curious, a man walked over, bought a paper, and checked the front page. Finding nothing, the man said, “There’s nothing in here about fifty people being swindled.”
The newsboy ignored him and went on, calling out, “Read all about it. Fifty-one people swindled!”
I Got stacks of em! First one's on the house
A deck of carbs!
First one's on the house
Got stacks of em! First one's on the house
Got stacks of em! First one's on the house
Got stacks of em! First one's on the house
Got stacks of em! First one's on the house
