Me: "Wow, you can tell this isn't a Lite beer."
Dad picks up the beer and puts it back down
Dad: "Well yeah, it's 16 ounces!"
What did the shoes say to the pants?
What's up, britches!
We're driving along and my wife is complaining about the lack of mild weather compared to when we grew up.
Wife: I haven't had a really good fall in years
Me: That's because you've had me here to hold you up!
Wife: http://i.imgur.com/sPwgpLj.jpg
What do you do to an elephant with three balls?
Walk him and pitch to the giraffe!
He doesn't see the bartender behind the bar so figures he must be back in the stockroom. As the man walks across the floor he hears a quiet voice say....."nice pants!"
He looks around but sees no one, there are no other people in the bar. He shrugs it off and keeps moving towards the bar.
Then he hears....."your hair looks great!"
Again, he looks around but doesn't see anyone. A little freaked out, he takes a seat at the bar and hears....."I like your tie!"
At that moment, the bartender emerges from the back room and asks "howdy sir, what can I get you?"
The man replies "well, I'll have a whiskey, but I have to tell you the strangest thing has happened to me since I walked in. I keep hearing some voice that keeps saying nice things about me. I must really need that drink I guess."
The bartender smiles and says "ahh, don't worry about it, that happens sometimes, it's probably just the peanuts".
"The peanuts?" asked the man, even more confused.
"Yes, the peanuts" explains the bartender.....
"they're complimentary"
:)
In fact, it’s borderline Chile.
It’s a real knee slapper
I'm not buying it
It's a knee slapper
Laughing stock.
50 cent featuring Nickelback
This just happened about an hour ago.
I was holding my infant son, and my wife asked me to hand her the Aquaphor. I said it is a shame we don't have a Dickphor. She just stared at me.
"I don't know what you are saying," she said flatly.
"A dickphor. You know, a dickphor."
"... no idea."
"Oh you know, a dickphor." At this point I'm laughing.
"Wha... I get that you are saying 'dick' instead of 'qua', but I don't understand what that means." She was laughing too by now.
"A dickphor! You've heard of a dickphor! A dickphor!" I figured if I said it enough, she would eventually give me the reply I now needed more than anything.
"... what is a dickph-" she realized in that moment that she had given me exactly what I was after. I could see in her face that she wanted to go back, to un-ask the question. But it was too late. I couldn't hold back long enough for her to even finish the sentence.
"PEEING!" I squealed triumphantly. Not since the Parthian capharacts defeated the calvary of Crassus at Carrhae has a victory tasted so sweet.
We both laughed long enough for our 8 month old son to realize that he was doomed to a life of dadjokes.
I called my dad tonight,
Me: What's up?
Dad: Oh, just fixing tacos.
Me: Oh no, how did they break?!
he loved it :)
It's a real knee-slapper, I tell ya!
It's a real knee slapper!
I’m not sure, but I think this belongs here:
I work night shift as a unit clerk at a hospital, and there is this one old security guard who goes on rounds to every unit. He always stops at my desk and cracks really cheesy, cringe-worthy jokes. He has this one awful (awesome?) knee-slapper that seems to be a permanent fixture in his "dad joke" repertoire. He’s said it 3 or 4 times already since I’ve started working here in March, so I'm pretty sure this joke is constantly on standby for him.
This is the exact conversation every time:
Security dude: How are you doing this fine evening?
Me (purposefully setting myself up for it): Pretty good. How about you?
Security dude: Really? WELL, I’ve never been pretty or good, so I don't know what that's like! Hahahahahaha (continues to laugh like this is the funniest joke that’s ever been told).
"At the U.S. mint because all they do all day is make cents"
....what a knee slapper
We lived near a farm that had a corn field adjacted to the road we lived on. So I'd get this one on a regular basis..
*Us driving by the field
- Dad: Hey, don't tell me any secrets.
- Me: Why not?
- Dad: Because the Ear's are listening.
He must've thought that was the funniest thing in the whole world. "A real "Knee Slapper"". Then he would slap his knee.
