Everyday I’m shuffling
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KingJiggaMan
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2020
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I had a nervous breakdown while shuffling cards

My friend asked what was wrong. I said "I just can't deal, man"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ImTryingToBeCivil
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2018
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Some say it’s sad that so many kids are shuffled through foster care.

Others might call it reWARDing.

I know. I’m sorry.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/babo_81
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
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Added Never Gonna Give You Up to my Spotify playlist and put it on shuffle. I call it, "Rick Roulette"
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChickenNugget6475
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2020
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When I was a single man, I had plenty of free time.

Now that I listen to full albums, I hardly ever leave the house.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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A man walks in to his job interview

The interviewer waits for the man to sit down before putting the papers in his hand flat on the table between them. "I have here the CV you submitted when you applied for this job. Unfortunately there's a 4 year gap on your CV, can you explain that please?"

The man shuffles uncomfortably in his seat and says "those are the years I went to Yale..."

The interviewer, not expecting this, was taken by surprise and said: "wow that's very impressive! You're hired!"

The man, surprised himself, replies: thanks! I really need this yob!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beardybrownie
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2021
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The Curly Shuffle song lyrics
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2019
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The invention of the shuffle was groundbreaking.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mathies_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2018
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How does a deck of cards get around?

It shuffles.

(a true dad joke, from my 9-year old)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/asiers
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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Once I didn't shuffle my cards right...

...but it was no big deal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/susejdotcom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2013
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I got a new job this week as the senior director of Old McDonald’s farm...

I’m the new CIEIO

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kilobenny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2018
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My 4 year old dad joked me

Whenever the Alice in Chains song King of the Kats comes on I tell my son that I'm the king of the cats. It drives him crazy. He's made it his personal mission to tell me I'm not the king of the cats and preempts me with a "Dad, you're not the king of the cats!" Whenever it comes on. This has been going on a couple of months.

Fast forward to present day. We're driving and the infamous song gets shuffled on.

He says, "You're not the king of the cats."

I reply, "Then why does every cat we meet call me your majesty?"

He drops this gem, "They don't say that, and if they did, they'd say your meowjesty."

I couldn't be more proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aarononly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2015
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Why don't zombies just not run fast, catch people and eat their brains immediately?

Because they are stuck on "shuffle mode".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ADD-INFP
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2017
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The teaching assistant for our class didn't show up the day after injuring his foot

Our professor told us he had a lame excuse

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CaptainGoodhair
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2016
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Dadjoke overheard at the Museum of Natural History

I was looking at the taxidermy wild animals and was standing in front of the case with a baby ocelot. A family with two young kids were also standing behind me and I hear the husband say,

"Ocelot? More like Oce-little!"

I found this absolutely hilarious, but his wife just rolls her eyes and shuffles the kids to the next exhibit.

πŸ‘︎ 296
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πŸ‘€︎ u/but-actually
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2014
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With my cousin

My cousin just started his job at a dealership. I met him at the bar afterwork. Him and a couple of his friends were playing rummy when I arrived. It soon became his turn to shuffle and deal. After he dealt out the hands, he showed me his cards since I wasn't playing.

Cousin: "I dealt out a terrible hand."

Me: "That you did. Good thing you don't work at a dealership."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_of_Dorks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2016
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Is this a paradox?

My boss was shuffling through files and paperwork with a look of remorse. "I never get to see my kids," he uttered with a sigh. "because I don't have any."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lurkingn00b
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2013
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