What did Sheriff Woody said to Bo Peep?

Your Pixar Good.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cbsxact7
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
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A mysterious thief has stolen all the toilets from the local sheriff's office.

The police have nothing to go on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JoeFas
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
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Did you hear about the retired Sheriff who started a landscaping business?

He called it Lawn Order

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πŸ‘€︎ u/piratesox
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
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The town's sheriff, who was also a prolific painter, was once attacked by seven men but managed to fight them off single-handedly. It was because....

He was a Marshal artist.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/EvilSandwichMan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2020
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Our sheriff works as a bartender

He serves just ice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KuboS0S
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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The sheriff of Nottingham and his son were talking about robin hood

His son asked if he really stole from the rich and gave to the poor the sheriff told his son he does and his son asked "would he steal from us too?" And the sheriff replied "He Sherwood son"

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πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2019
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What did the dog say to the sheriff?

Are you the one who shot my paw?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StripedTiger711
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
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If law enforcement officers were called to the apartment of a female bassist in response to a noise complaint, there would be sheriffs because she riffs.
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ManLeader
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2014
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Actual quote by a sheriff at the Oroville Dam news conference:

"This is a fluid situation, obviously..."

context: http://www.kcra.com/article/evacuation-orders-issued-for-low-levels-of-oroville/8735215

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Matt111098
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2017
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Three women were on the run from the law (A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead).

Their car breaks down next to a corn field and they decide to run through it as the law is quickly approaching. They stumble upon a barn. Inside they find three burlap sacks and one of them suggests they should each hide inside one. Shortly after, the sherriff and his deputies arrive at the barn. They notice the three sacks. The sheriff kicks the first one containing the brunette and she says "Meow, meow." "Oh it's just a sack of kittens." One of the deputies says. The sherriff kicks the sack where the redhead is hiding and she says "woof, woof." "That's just a sack of puppies" they say. The sherriff kicks the third sack with the blonde inside and she exclaims "Potato, potato."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wmd1234
πŸ“…︎ Dec 10 2020
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What’s a radical leftist’s favorite style of font?

Sans Sheriff!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trommy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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I was in a bar in Texas, when a man walks in wearing a paper cowboy hat, a paper shirt, paper jeans,paper chaps and paper boots.

Anyway, the sheriff burst in and arrested him for rustling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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Last night, my neighbor got on his tractor and started yelling, β€œThe end is near!!”

I hate living next to Farmer Geddon.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2018
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In the old Wild West there was a notorious gang of dangerous outlaws, they’d just attacked a town.

The sheriff decided that he needed to stop them so he rounded up his deputies and they rode out in search of the gang.

After a couple of days everyone was tired and hungry so one of the deputies rode up to sheriff and said β€œLook sheriff we are all too tired, why don’t you guys rest up here and I’ll ride 4 miles north and two miles east and see if I can’t find us some grub?, I’ll be back by morning”

The sheriff agrees and off the deputy rides 4 miles north and two miles east.

The next morning the deputy returns with all his packs full of bacon! The sheriff says β€œwhere the hell did you get all that bacon out here in the middle of nowhere!”

Deputy says β€œwell you see sheriff I rode 4 miles north and 2 miles east and I swear to god there’s this bacon tree just sitting there! A tree that is full of bacon!”

β€œBullshit!” Says the sheriff β€œyou stay here I’m going to check this out!”

So off the sheriff rides the same as the deputy did.

The next morning the deputy see’s the sheriff crawling towards the camp with arrows sticking out of his back.

Deputy says to the sheriff β€œ Boss what the hell happened!”

The sheriff looks up from the ground and says β€œBACON TREE, BACON TREE, that wasn’t a damn bacon tree you idiot it was a Hambush!”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FleetChief
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
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What did the hangman say to the newly exonerated man?

No noose is good noose.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Baintball333
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
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I was almost arrested for spray painting a grocery store with my best comic sans.

Fortunately, we talked it over and agreed that I would paint over it, and the day ended sans sheriff.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2020
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Why is Font Town so crime ridden?

because it's sans sheriff

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πŸ‘€︎ u/slaying_mantis
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2016
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The Joke that caused my dad to be "randomly selected for a drug test" at work.

To give a little background: My dad was a truck driver at the time, and he never saw something on the side of the road or that had a "free" sign on it that he could drive by without at least taking a look. My brother in law was a sheriff's deputy. He told this joke to my neighbor, I will try to do it justice.

My dad, his dispatcher(DIS), and lady neighbor(LN) are outside talking and it goes something like this:

Dad: Ugh, What a f--king week. I can not believe it.

LN: What happened?

Dad: I was in Georgia and I saw this cooler in the far corner of the rest area, just as you're about to leave. I looked around and I didn't see anyone... So I figured someone had forgotten it on their picnic... It was a nice ass cooler too. Igloo brand with the heavy duty wheels. It was beautiful.

LN: Let me guess, you took it and the food that was in it?

Dad: Oh god I wish, It was a nice cooler. So, I go over and I'm still looking around in case the owners are still there. So I get to the cooler and I'm thinking "jackpot." The outside looks amazing. So, I go to open it up to see if whatever is inside is salvageable or if i needed to throw it out. I open it up and I jumped back and screamed.

LN: What was in it?

Dad: FEET. HUMAN FEET. I'm thinking what the hell did I just stu...

LN: NU-UH, ARE YOU SERIOUS?!?!?!

Dad: YES I'M SERIOUS.. So by this time, I'm seriously freaking out and I have no clue what to do. I nearly passed the f--k out. I had no idea what I should do.

LN: (with her hands over her mouth in horror) OMG, WHAT DID YOU DO?

Dad: Well, you know my son-in-law is a police officer in Florida..

LN: mmhmm

Dad: Well, I didn't know what to do so I called him.

LN: What did he tell you to do?!

Dad: Call a tow truck.

LN: ....what?

Dad: Get it, toe truck?!

LN: YOU'RE SUCH AN ASS. OMG I HATE YOU.

DIS: Oh, look at that, M*****, I just got word from the office that you're up for this month's random drug test.

Edit: Formatting errors, sorry guys!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/heythereanny
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2015
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A lawless Old West town where everyone writes in Arial font?

It's Sans-Sheriff

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πŸ‘€︎ u/YehosafatLakhaz
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2018
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Why Didn't Eric Clapton call the police after his guitar was stolen?

Because he shot the sheriff.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wowza-yowza
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
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I'm a street performer at the Minnesota Renaissance Festival. I tell punny jokes there, thought you'd enjoy them.

The King is in love with the Spanish Armada, in fact you could say he warships it.

I got into a fight with a group of jesters, I escaped by going for the juggler.

I recently read "Gulliver's Travels" it was a Swift read.

Have you read the book about traveling through hell? It's a Dante-ing read.

Q: How many animals can you fight into the Lord High Sheriff's tights? A: Ten piggies, two calves, a rooster and an ass.

Vikings raided the royal cheese supply, they left nothing behind but de Brie.

I met a wizard, I told him he looked like a mana action.

The unskilled mason forget to put a water supply in the new castle. He did not keep well.

The angry archer was so surly he had everyone convinced he was a cross bowman.

The failed stone cutter also lost his job as a bounty hunter. He could never find his quarry.

The nun kept spilling sacramental wine on herself. She made a bad habit of it.

The pope enjoys chocolate on his boat. He like sailing indulgences.

The pope loves summer, they say he is infallible.

Two fae fell in love. They keep fauning over each other.

The knight suffered from boils, he had to get them lanced.

Why did the wood nymph use some much lotion? Because she had dryad skin.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kbdekker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2016
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Robin Hood was finally captured and tied up.

The sheriff of Knottingham was the one who got him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pun-isher42
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2019
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If I had known that this subreddit existed, I would've shared the tale of Brown Paper Bart with you long ago.

A man is riding his horse through the desert, and, well, he starts to get thirsty. He sees a small town off in the distance, so he sets off in that direction to get some water for his horse and some whiskey for hisself.

Well, as he gets into that little town he starts to notice something peculiar. Not a soul is out. Sun's setting, but still plenty of light. Water in the horse troughs tells him it ain't a ghost town, but folks ain't comin' out for some reason.

Now, as soon as he turns onto the town's main street, he sees a soberin' sight; the sheriff, on a ladder, hammering the last nail into a brand new gallows. He sidles his horse on up to the sheriff and says, "Pardon me sheriff. I don't mean to pry, but pray tell, who're them gallows fer?"

The sheriff looks around, surprised to see someone out. He steps down, takes off his hat and scratches the back of his head thoughtfully, before replying, "Well, I reckon you must be a stranger in these parts. I reckon then that you ain't never heard of Brown Paper Bart. Anyway, we're lynchin' him come sunrise."

"Brown Paper Bart? I reckon not, sheriff. That's a mighty peculiar name, pray tell, whaddaya call him Brown Paper Bart fer?"

"Wayill, I reckon we call him Brown Paper Bart on account 'a the fact that everything he wears is made a' brown paper. His hat's made a' brown paper, his boots is made a' brown paper. His chaps is made a' brown paper, his neckerchief's made a brown paper. Heck dang shoot, even his lunch bag is made a' brown paper!"

The man looks at the sheriff a moment, perplexed, before replying, "Well, sheriff, I reckon that's a mighty peculiar thing for a man to do, but that don't explain these brand new gallows. Pray tell, what're you lynchin' Brown Paper Bart fer?"

[Insert a dad-length pause here.]

"...Rustlin'."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/malenkylizards
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2013
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I figured out what font my local police department uses!

Sans Sheriff

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zazathebassist
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2016
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Why does the deputy write his reports in arial font when he's alone?

Because he's sans-sheriff.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kbdekker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 09 2016
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What did the dog say to the sheriff?

Are you the one that shot my paw?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StripedTiger711
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2017
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What’s a cowboy’s favourite font?

sans sheriff.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/acceler8er
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
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What is a criminals favorite font?

Sans Sheriff

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πŸ‘€︎ u/noobalicious1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2017
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What is an outlaw's favorite font family?

Sans sheriff

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kammerdiener
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2015
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