Scripting Puns

Think I could tailor Swift?

"Doc, I haven't pooped in a week! Please help!"

Doc says sure, and writes him a prescription for a weeks worth of suppositories.

Man comes back the next day, "doc, I took the entire script last night, but nothing happened!"

The doc is shocked, as in his experience suppositories are very effective, and after taking a weeks worth he should have definitely had a BM. Oh well, the doc thinks, and gives him another weeks worth.

Guy comes back the next day. The doc says incredulously, "you've taken 2 weeks worth of suppositories in 2 days, and nothing happened?!?! What are you doing with them, eating them?!?!"

The man replies, "What'd you expect me to do with them, Shove 'em up my ass?!?!"

I don't know if this would normally be considered a dad joke, but it's my dad's favorite joke so I think it should count.

"Enter Juliet From Behind"

The plot revolves around an MD whose patients all have unusual symptoms and need to be seen by a specialist.

Working title: REFER MADNESS

99.9% of the things i try to do gets rejected by everyone.

If so, our lives must be scripted.

Wait until I show you Netflix!

I don't have the guts to break to them that it was all for a play on words.

Apparently it was due to start filming this year but writing the script was taking longer than expected as every time they finished a line it would disappear.

Last Tango in Paris!

It’d be my screenplay on words

It was a play on Word.

It's about time.

I was telling my wife a story about a programmer that was able to run a computer script on a Coffee Machine.

It would brew the coffee for the person exactly as they reached the machine, my wife jokingly said, "he speaks computer coffee."

That is when Dad Joke came in and I said, you could say that he speaks Java.

She walked outside without saying anything and stared at the yard for a while.

They cut it from the script because it was too much of a buzzkill.

I asked if I wasn't better off heating up the chilli in the microwave. No response.

Just because I can't C#

We were discussing what kind of fruit we would be, if we were a fruit.

I said out loud: "If I were a fruit, what would I be?"

From the kitchen came: "A homosexual."

Fishmonger: "they're all good, pick your poison"

Me: "Don't you mean, Pick your poisson?"

Fishmonger: <wink> "Good one"

The Script and will.i.am could be your flatmates

While joking with her at dinner she called me mean. I replied "at least I'm average."

Me: Hey look I got a haircut.

Dad: Oh really which one? (Delivered with a straight face until he bursts out laughing almost into tears)

Every time like he has never said it before

So, today was my CNC class. For those that don't know what CNC is, it's basically the computer programming, and execution of automated machining and manufacturing. To program it, there is a very long script you have to write to tell the machine what to do.

He was reviewing his own code in front of the whole class, when he realized something, he's missing an R-plane. He says "Where is my R-plane?" I respond, "Probably at the R-port"

http://imgur.com/a/mAWgU

Scene: We are preparing for Trick or Treating tomorrow and picked out her costume. It included gloves in the costume.

Her: We need to go to the store so I can get different gloves for the costume.

Me: Didn't it come with gloves?

Her: Yes, but they didn't fit. . . Like a glove. . .

Me: Oh. Good. Lord.

Post Script. She knew she dad joked because after she asked, "Get it? Fit like a glove. . ."

Her-"Sorry about the delay sir our computers are slow in the morning"

Me- "You should enable java script!"

TV: "She is one of only a handful of people who can read the ancient script Cuneiform."

Brother: "They must be tiny."

context: I have arm tattoos that have lots of script.

Person "Oh, what do your arms say?"

Me "I don't know, I can't read. I was hoping you could tell me. hahahahaha."

I'm the only one who ever laughs. :D