I saw an interview with Sean Connery about how he used to scuba dive for seafood. He said, "everytime I saw a crab or lobster with a scrap of food, it was frantically seaching for a place to hide so it could eat alone. Then I thought to myself,

that's shellfish."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/timthedriller
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
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Security guard stops this guy every day leaving the factory with a wheel barrow full of trash.

Every day he searches through and finds nothing but papers and wood scraps and other junk. Never anything of value.

Finally one day, the security guard is set to retire, so he asks the guy

"I know you were stealing something, but I could never find out what. Today is my last day. What the hell were you stealing?"

"Wheel barrows," the guy answers with a sheepish grin.

edit: spelling

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πŸ‘€︎ u/erpagris
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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My son just told his first dad joke at 13 and I’m so proud

So my kids are clearing the dishes after dinner, it’s their job every day. My daughter was scraping all the scraps in the bin, which contained some food. Son: β€œJeze Lauren you need to be more considerate, every 60 seconds in Africa a minute passes”.... Ded πŸ’€

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πŸ‘€︎ u/adz1179
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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In college, I took many classes on the study of past events surrounding scraps of food from a meal

I even changed my major to Ort History!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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I'm saddened to announce that due a recent warehose fire, I'm going to have to scrap my plans for a road side advertisement museum.

I really should have seen it coming. All the signs were there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/entropolous
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2019
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What did the under water golfer with minor scraps and burns yell?

Aquaphor

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ovande
πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2018
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1. Blue plastic bucket for watering, car-washing, etc. 2. Red plastic bucket for mopping floors, cleanup from painting, plumbing disasters. 3. Green metal pail for compostable table scraps.

...and that's my Bucket List.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2018
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My friend sliced up an apple to eat and quickly hung the scraps on the wall. I looked at him like he was crazy.

He said, "What?! It's Decor!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WoofisBarkley
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2017
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There was a survey in the cosmetics department...

...they were asking people to write a couple of their favorite smells on a scrap of paper and put it in a box.

I didn't really have a strong opinion, but I did put my two scents in.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hero_of_Thyme81
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2020
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Because of this sub...

I now carry a scrap of paper in my back pocket that has the word "Otherwise" written on it.

Last night my mom was telling me how well my daughter did in the nursery at church, i pulled the paper out and firmly stated "This says Otherwise."

She took out her glasses, carefully unfolded it, then started laughing while handing it to my dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SilverStryfe
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2015
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Doggie treats

My uncoordinated husky has trouble catching treats when I throw them to her and the speedy little Chihuahua gobbles them up off the floor before she can react. However, when I throw her scraps of meat, she catches them every time. She never misses when the steaks are that high.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TRexIRL
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
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Just dad-joked my class

"I remember when our lecturer was talking about the poo bus. I'm not surprised they scrapped it."

"Why's that?"

"Cause it was a crap idea."

Cue groans and facepalming.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Clbull
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2018
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Necessity is the mother of invention

If you love some things, like law, sometimes it's best that you never find out how they're made.

But I for one am glad that somewhere in history's foggy past, a butcher looked down at a bunch of miscellaneous meat scraps and asked himself, "What's the wurst that could happen?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Possum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2018
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My friend and I often have pun wars. One of us runs up to the other and says a word that we have to make puns about until somebody runs out of ideas.

I wasn’t feeling quite like myself one day, so when she ran to me and shouted, β€œAluminum!” I responded, β€œCan it! My plans have been foiled and I’m not in the mood to scrap.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MariahYM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
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[x-post /r/Jokes] [OC] An old blacksmith was working in his shop...

when there was a terrible accident. The fire in his forge had gone out of control and set fire to the shop. The blacksmith nearly lost his life. He was bedridden for many months and relied on the help of his children and grandchildren to feed him, bathe him, and take care of all of his needs. Eventually he was able to get back on his feet, though his outlook on life had turned quite grim. He was now able to take care of himself, but he had lost much of his strength and dexterity from the injuries he sustained and he was unable to practice his trade. He fell into a deep depression and he spent most of his days sitting at home in front of the fireplace gazing into the flames, longing for the days when his strong hands could grasp a hammer and strike a hot piece of iron, slowly forging it into a beautiful piece of work.

One evening when the old man was sitting in front of the fire, he heard a knock at the door. It was his granddaughter, whom he hadn't seen in many months. She had overheard her father talking to her mother about how her grandfather was slowly slipping away into depression and hopelessness and she wanted to help. To the old man's surprise, she had brought him a puppy. "I thought that since you're always here all by yourself that you might want someone you keep you company," the granddaughter said. The old man's eyes welled up with tears and the little puppy instantly jumped into his arms and began licking the tears from his face. The old man and his granddaughter spent the next several hours sitting on the floor of his house watching the puppy chase around a rubber ball, bouncing, jumping, panting, and licking. In that short time, the old man had made complete turnaround from being sad, lonely, and hopeless, to smiling from ear to ear, full of joy with his new-found companion. As the hours grew late and the puppy grew tired, the granddaughter said "Well Opa, I'm glad you like your puppy, but it's late and I should be heading home. By the way, what are you going to call him?" "Life," said the old man, "because he has given me a new meaning and joy to mine." The granddaughter kissed her grandfather on the cheek, wished him goodnight, and she left.

Many years passed and all the while, the old man and his little dog were inseparable. Everywhere the old man went, Life was always with him whether it was the post office, the grocery store, and even when the old man went to the barber shop, the little dog would sit patiently until the last hair on

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MyOtherAccount_3
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2016
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My Dad on Nelson Mandela

My Dad posted this on Facebook yesterday:
Just awful...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrMonkfred
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2013
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Got the coworkers good the other day.

So I work construction and it was me and 2 other guys working a few days ago. Working in an unfinished home when my coworker drops a tape measure in a small floor vent. Me being the smallest guy in the crew he asked me to see if I could reach it because he can't fit his arm in to grab it. So I was able to get it but it scrapped up my arm pretty good.

Coworker says "dang, that looks like it hurt, we could've gotten it another way. You didn't need to do that."

I reply with "It's okay, desperate times call for desperate measures."

Much grunting ensued.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sirbrowses
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2016
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Just did this while wrapping presents

W: I am a terrible wrapper
Me: I know. I definitely wouldn't call you Yeezy.
W: I hate you right now.

Later on while still wrapping.

W: You are so much better at wrapping than I am
Me: I am still not at Yeezy level yet
W: I'm going to stab you with these scissors

One present left, and just scraps of wrapping paper left, and I decide to not let them go to waste.

W: Don't be a ghetto wrapper
Me: Like Yeezy?
W: I want a divorce

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πŸ‘€︎ u/unclerudy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2017
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My sons first, solid dad joke/pun - I'm so proud.

My son is four. We do a lot of puns around our house and he has tried hard, but they don't really make sense. The other day I made a mistake and said, "Oh, crap!" He told me I shouldn't say that word and I agreed, but was frustrated because I made a mistake. A minute later:

"Dad! I have a joke for you!" "What's that, bud?" "What do you say when you make a mistake and have to throw it away?" "I don't know, what?" "Ohhh, SCRAP!"

I'm so proud.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuccessiveApprox
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2015
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My mom got me last weekend.

I was building a shed at her cabin over the weekend and she came out to hold a ladder while a got on the roof. As I was climbing a bee flew in front of my face and I cringed. Another one of its bee buddies flew next to my hand and I yelled "ah! Two bees!" in a totally manly voice and hopped off the ladder.

My mom picked up a wood scrap near her and quickly smushed one of the bees on the shed. She then turned to me and said, "...or not two bees?"

God dammit

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheSpiffySpaceman
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2015
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Quit stealing my aluminum!

I had some new employees helping me sort scrap metal.

me: Quit steeling my aluminum!

Employe: No, It's all right here. (points to al bin)

I pull the steel out and show them.

Edit:spelling.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mridea314
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2014
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Construction Project

We're hanging a circuit breaker panel, me and the old Daddio.

Dad: Cut me a scrap of that flooring for a spacer. Three and a half inches thick so I can nail it to this stud.

Me: Sure. How long do you need it?

Dad: Oh... we're probably gonna need it for as long as the house is here.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/meatbeagle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2014
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Dad got my mom after dinner

My mom made meatloaf for dinner (it was fairly good).

While doing dishes, my dad decided to put the scraps and some grease on a plate of dog food. He put the plate and the ground and kept turning it to tease the dog. This was right by the backdoor, and since it snowed today, there was a towel on which the dog dried his feet.

Me: the dog peed from you teasing him!

Mom: that's on you, dad!

Dad: it's not on me, it's on the towel!

Chuckling ensued.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/evonb
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2014
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A dad joke to be proud of...

I was sat in the lounge and my dad walked in. He said to me "I've got some news for you!"

And then handed me a small scrap of newspaper.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mykeuk
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2015
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