He’s a carpet runner.
Walter Wall.
Don't worry man, I got you covered.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡
...carpet cleaner?
It's a cherished air-loom in my family.
The Meat Ball
It was a pour decision
It’s my car pet.
Before you let your kids get a puppy, take the Puppy Test.
Best taken in the autumn or mid winter.
- Buy a lead and tie it to a big stone, walk around dragging the stone behind you.
- Get up at 5am, go out in the pouring rain and walk up and down a muddy path, repeating good girl/boy, wee wees...poo poos, quickly please
- Stuff your pockets with plastic bags and pick up all the poo you can find, obviously not your dogs as you have not bought it yet ??
- Start wearing your shoes indoors, especially during muddy times
- Collect leaves off the ground and spread them on the floor
- Carry sticks and branches indoors and chop them up on your carpet
- Pour cold apple juice on the rug and floor....walk barefooted over it in the dark
- Drop some chocolate pudding on your carpet in the morning and then try to clean it in the evening
- Wear socks to which you have made holes using a blender
- Jump out of your favorite chair just before the movie ends and run to open the back door
- Cover all your best clothes with dog hair, dark clothes with blond hairs and light clothes with dark hairs
- Tip all just ironed clothes on the floor
- Make little pin holes in all your furniture, especially chair and table legs
- When doing dishes, splash water all over the place and don't wipe it.
- Spread toilet paper all over the house when you leave the house and tidy up when you get back home
- Forget any impulse holidays and/or breaks
- Always go straight home after work or school
- Go for walks no matter what the weather, and inspect every dirty paper, chewing gum and dead fly you might find
- Stand at your back door at five in the morning shouting, "Bring Mr Bumble and Mr Lion in, its raining.”
- Wake up at 3am. Place a correct size bag of flour on top of yourself and try to sleep, whilst wiping your face with a dishcloth, which you have left next to your bed in a bowl last week.
Repeat everyday over 6 months and if you still think getting a puppy sounds like a good idea, Congratulations, you might be ready for your kids to get your puppy.
Her retirement is looming.
He responded with, "Because that's how I roll"
He's a car-pet.
They’re steaming mad at dirt.
Carpet Diem
His motto is ‘carpet diem’
Because it was floored.
Because pawsession is nine-tenths of the law
http://imgur.com/f20P0zK
I call it the "Kessel Runner".
"Shedding?" she asked. "Yeah. It's like barning but smaller." That's the biggest groan I've gotten out of her yet.
They were all carpet bombed. Since then there's been a blanket ban on them.
Me: I like this rug! What do you think?
My dad: It's very... rugged.
There we were, sitting by the hearth last night.
Man on the television set: "Vote blue, no matter who."
Mother: "Father, do you think he means our darling pooch"?
Blue: Snoring on the rug, fat and lavish
Me: "Mother, you are a sensational one. Outrageous!"
Mother: With her head tilted back, unleashes a hearty guffaw
I thought you might enjoy this roguish exchange as much as mother and I did 😂😂😂
So I sat him down in the living room and told him he could get both. Then I showed him the carpet.
I walked into my livingroom earlier and saw my bunny laying on the rug, but she was all fuzzy.
…for use of performance enhancing rugs…
"Oh sheet!"
She claims it’s a gateway rug.
He's always cutting the rug
He kept saying, "no!"
I know better but I ask anyway, "what are you doing?"
He gives me that awful dad look and says, "Saying no to rugs."
A rug.
My two-year-old son was trying desperately to reach something on the countertop and becoming quite distressed.
It turns out that he just really, really wanted the potato peeler.
"Well, here you go, son," I said, as I handed it to him, "but I don't see what the big draw is - I mean, it's not even a'peelin'."
I'm dying over here, and he's just wandered off to try to peel the rug.
A giant list of puns
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn’t have the balls to do it.
I used to be afraid of hu
... keep reading on reddit ➡It was a rugged experience
Turns out it was a toupee made in China.
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.
Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.
Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.
How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.
I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.
Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.
I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.
My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.
Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.
How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.
What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.
Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.
There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.
What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.
What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.
Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.
Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.
How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.
The shovel was a ground breaking invention.
A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."
Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.
What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.
I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.
What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.
I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.
Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.
Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"
Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.
What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.
Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.
What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.
What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.
What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.
A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.
After the accident, the juggler didn
... keep reading on reddit ➡Is a very rugged experience.
