How does a rubber-band thank its listeners?

You're all fan-elastic!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sitathon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
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Doctor Doctor, I'm convinced I'm a rubber band.

Why don't you stretch yourself out on the couch over there and tell me all about it.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SolgaleoGamePlays
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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I went into a diner the other day and said to the waitress, "I'll have a rubber band sandwich".

"And make it snappy."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zinny08
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2020
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My math teacher took away my rubber band shooter today.

He said it was a weapon of math disruption.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/beneke
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2014
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Quit my career as a rubber band

Too much stress

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotJesper
πŸ“…︎ Apr 14 2018
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I was going to make a rubber band pun...

But it was a bit of a stretch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mkaic
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2018
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Did you hear about that guy who took t-shirts and twisted them up and tied them with rubber bands, then dipped them into buckets filled with different colored liquids?

He dyed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crapstossaway
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2018
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Yesterday I saw the most famous rubber band in the world

It was the center of a-tension.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/JasonBran
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2018
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"You know kids, back in the day, my rubber band pistol was confiscated in algebra class."

"My teacher said that it was a weapon of math disruption."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2017
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My co-worker dumped a small box of rubber bands looking for a paper clip. My other co-worker comes into the office and asks what happened to the rubber bands.

I responded with "It must have been that darn rubber bandit again!" That was my first really quick dad joker that I actually got complimented on!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ralyks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2016
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I’m not into Metal Bands....

...just into Rubber Bands!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ithinkhisnameis
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
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Dad joked the waitress

Waitress is taking our order.

Dad: I'd like a rubber band sandwich. And make it snappy.

πŸ‘︎ 697
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πŸ‘€︎ u/greggersraymer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30 2014
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Dad oneup'd my joke in the car today.

Riding in the car with dad and I decide to tell him a joke (I know a lot of people have heard it before).

Me: If I was a DJ I'd be DJ Enzyme cause I like to break it down!

Dad: Well I'd be DJ Photon.

Me: Whaaaaaat?

Dad: Cause I like to light it up!

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elesteelman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2014
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Has anyone here lost a bundle of twenty dollar bills?

Because we found the rubber band

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πŸ‘€︎ u/novaerbenn
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2019
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If Elastigirl formed a musical group

Would it be a rubber band?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/michifan101
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
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Puns for Educated Minds
  1. The fattest knight at King Arthurs round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: You stay here; I'll go on a head.

  13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

  14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: Keep off the Grass.

  15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  17. A backward poet writes inverse.

  18. In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

  19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

  20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

  21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, I’m sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

  22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says Dam!

  23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

  24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, I’ve lost my electron. The other says Are you sure? The first replies, Yes, I’m positive.

  25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

  26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FreshFocusPhoto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2015
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Want do you call a group of people singing about condoms

A Rubber Band

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jmahler0514
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2019
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What is the most musical office supply?

A Rubber Band

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nd2819
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2016
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[Meta] Can anyone think of a good dad joke gift idea?

I wanted to make my Dad a chainsaw for Christmas, but I'm not sure if we have the saw and I don't want to ruin a perfectly good chain for it.

Can anyone think of another dad joke gift, like a quarter pounder with cheese?

EDIT: I did the quarter-pounder with cheese. I used little rubber bands, (The kind kids make bracelets from) popsicle sticks and a rolled-up piece of sturdy paper. If anybody wants to make it, let me know and I'll go into more detail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ancel3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2015
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Heard this groaner from a friend the other day

What type of band plays snappy music? A rubber band.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/realsnokng
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2016
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My 8th grade English teacher got me.

My 8th grade English teacher was a huge dad-joker, even though he was like 25 at the time (this was 3 years ago)

He was playing at his desk with a ton of rubber bands, making them taut then flicking them to hear their vibration. I asked him what he was doing. He replied, "Creating the first song to my new band, we call ourselves the Rubber Band."

Not the best, but I certainly groaned.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Howley7
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2014
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My co-worker dadjokes me every day. Here's a few of his finer ones.

I started working at a jewelry store two weeks ago. I just turned 24, and one of my new co-workers is about 50 years old and repairs jewelry that customers bring. He is a master of dad jokes.

  1. One day, I was windexing our glass displays.

Him: I recently started getting the urge to take my clothes off and run around all over the place. My buddy told me to try drinking Windex. It prevents streaking.

  1. Another time, it was almost closing time and we were getting bored.

Him: A man was walking his Great Dane and saw a pub. He said, "I'll go have me a drink or two," and tied the dog up outside.

A little while later another man comes in the pub and says, "Sir, is that your Great Dane out there? My dog just killed it."

"What kind of dog do you have?!"

"Chihuahua."

"You're telling me a chihuahua killed my dog?"

"Yea, he got stuck about right here." grabbing his throat

  1. Lastly, we were bored yet again at the end of another day, and he came up to me and another worker and says, "Did one of you lose a big wad of twenty dollar bills wrapped in a rubber band?"

We looked at one another confused. "... No."

"Oh, because I had some good news... I found the rubber band." holding up a runner band

I like my new job.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amdawson
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2014
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Go get me a rubber band sandwich

And make it snappy.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jizzmae
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2018
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What do you call condoms playing music with each other?

a rubber band!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mangenuity
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2016
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My grandpa sent me this email. King of dad jokes.
  1. The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

  2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

  3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

  4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

  5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

  6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

  7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

  8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

  9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

  10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

  11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

  12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

  13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

  14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then, it hit me.

  15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said, 'Keep off the Grass.'

  16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, 'No change yet.'

  17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

  18. It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

  19. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

  20. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

  21. A backward poet writes inverse.

  22. In democracy, it's your vote that counts. In feudalism, it's your count that votes.

  23. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

edit: formatting

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mattybreit
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2014
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