I just returned from my MIL's funeral, she was hit on the head during a tennis match & killed
It was a lovely service...
I just returned from the store. I needed tablets for the dishwasher...
Poor wife has a terrible headache.
Did you hear about the cephalopod that returned the favor?
It was your classic case of Squid Pro Quo.
In recent news, a giant had a troubling discovery when he returned home from work.
After discovering he'd been given a parking ticket, the giant exclaimed in disappointment as he approached his house. This startled a burglar inside, causing him to flee from the property but not before trapping his stubby digit in the door, causing him to leave blood at the scene. Thankfully, the giant's powerful nasal abilities allowed him to aid police as he was able to detected the exact nationality and gender of the robber in question. When interviewed, the giant simplified the story for us by saying,
"Fee, Fie, Foe, Thumb, I smell the blood of an English Man."
A sweater I purchased was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
I just returned home from a trip to eastern Asia.
My wife returned a package of pantyhose that she bought online, but they only refunded 90% of the purchase price...
...they claimed the 10% was a re-stocking fee.
What do you call a Batman who just returned from a fight and got his ass kicked?
What did the frog say to the librarian when he returned his books?
Just returned from my extreme camping trip.
I hired a contractor to put up a fence, but he never returned my calls.
I figured he was stone-walling me.
A queen went travelling to a foreign land. She asked her two ladies in waiting to clean for each other while she was gone, so they wouldn't be out of practice when she got back. When she returned, the two had fallen in love and gotten married.
They were maid for each other.
How did the Grinch know to average all of the presents he stole, so that each Who in Whoville got the same amount returned to them?
He’s a mean one, Mr. Grinch.
My friend just returned from Britain, where he made many monetary agreements...
I said to him, "you've been pact-ing on some pounds lately, huh?"
A man lost his keys in the supermarket, so when he returned to his car, he just rubbed his ass against it
He was wearing khaki trousers
There should be a holiday where we remember all the borrowed items we’ve given out that have never been returned.
I bought a PS4, played it every day, then returned it to Costco after three months.
I really gamed the system.
My friend stole my broken pen but eventually returned it.
That doesn't make it write.
I returned from vacation sporting a full face beard. My students all tell me I look like Thor. I admit I was expecting a more Loki response.
I guess you could say I never Thor it coming.
I went knife shopping today but returned empty handed. None of them made the cut
My sister is really indecisive. When I bought her that red phone cover she always wanted she returned it and bought a blue one, then she returned that one and bought the red one again!
I knew that would be the case.
A vampire bat returned to his colony with a lot of blood on his face. When the other bats asked him what happened he pointed to a building and said: “See that cow barn over there?”
I loaned $200 to my girlfriend 5 years ago. She returned exactly $200 after we separated.
I lost interest in that relationship.
His names was “German potato” written in German. After this he left the game and never returned.
I just returned from a blind date...
I shutter to think of the possibilities with her!
What did the bee say when he returned to the hive?
What did the alcoholic husband said to his wife whenwhen he returned home?
Just returned from China and my dad still has the same cheesy jokes.
My father his girlfriend and myself were out for supper yesterday. The waiter came around to take orders and she started with my dad's girlfriend. She orders her main dish and the waiter asks, "what would you like for your two sides?"
"what are my options?" his girlfriend asks.
To which my dad replies, "I believe just right and left."
My daughter just returned from a small island in Indonesia, bragging about her great tan...
She was gutted when I told her that I could Bali notice it.
I returned the ground almonds I bought.
They tasted nothing like dirt.
Wife and I returned to find our bathtub overflowing...
I turned to her panicked face, "Oh, dam it"
Just returned from the Opticians and I've been told I'm actually colour blind.
That came out of the orange.
I've just returned home, disappointed with my new haircut
I let my wife borrow a loaf of sweet Jewish bread, but she never returned it
Cause she ain't no challah back girl.
My dog just returned from college...
I once bought a sweater that was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
A jumper I bought was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the shop.
They gave me a replacement....free of charge
The sweater I bought recently kept picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store
They gave me another one, free of charge
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity, so I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one, free of charge.
A sweater I bought was picking up static electricity. So, I returned it to the store.
They gave me another one free of charge.
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