Come on, it’s Ferda Boyce
Boss: You mist the boat.
http://imgur.com/48pSnFZ
I like to say I'm stalling
I’m currently on season 6, and still have no idea what this has to do with being a medic.
My name is Ben.
Doctor: [handing me my new born baby] I'm sorry, your wife didn't make it. Me: [handing baby back to him] Bring me the one my wife made
Taken from r/funnyandsad and believed it belonged on this subreddit as well
For the youngest siblings recent 9th birthday I put 9 dollars in a block of ice (had to bribe a local butcher shop to let me put a cooler in their freezer, worth it) But I need some long term ideas, because I intend to show this family with a lack of dads the full scope of dad jokes
Crimea Fucking River
He said it was all his fault.
I came home today to a dark house, quickly learned that the power had been out for hours. Walked into my roomate's bedroom, they're sitting on the bed.
Me: "So I hear you're feeling a little... powerless."
I swear on all things holy that at that very fucking moment the lights flickered on. We just sat there in disbelief for a moment. My puns are that god damned good. I must use the power well (stealth pun PSA: love the environment).
Years ago my parents sent my sister to England for a summer camp/study trip. Whenever we would call her we'd all gather around the speakerphone and talk briefly since international phone calls were expensive back then. One day we call her and my sister tells my dad that she has 6 more days of camp left and she is down to her last pound (dollar). There is a long awkward pause. Then my sister ask: Dad, what should I do? To which my dad responds: Spend it wisely...
My dad asked, "so you like both men and women?"
I responded with, "yeah, but I'm not seeing anyone right now"
He said, "so you must be on stand-bi"
"Hey! Who we playing tonight?"
To wit: to woo.
He was the worst mechanic the luftwaffe ever had
The... BooBees
Well, it’s black and white.
The Yakoozie!
She packed up her bags and right.
"Cash or charge?"
The duck replies, "Nah....Just put it on my bill!"
It’s 90 degrees there
They were cooked in Greece
"Tanks a lot!"
The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"
The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and asks him, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
The second guy smiles, flips his hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!!? Of course only one eye and one ear are showing because it's a picture of his side profile! Is that the best answer you can come up with?"
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third guy and in a very testy voice asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?
He quickly adds, "Think hard before giving me a stupid answer."
The third guy looks at the picture intently for a moment and says, "The suspect wears contact lenses."
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not.
"Well, that's an interesting answer. Wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that."
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file on his computer and comes back with a beaming smile on his face.
"Wow! I can't believe it. It's TRUE! The suspect does, in fact, wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?"
"That's easy..." the third guy replied. "He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear."
Dad : You mean our son?
Me: Well, your search ends today. At my previous job, whenever something went wrong, everybody said I was responsible.
He replied: A man is someone who is responsible and takes care of his family.”
Son: I hope one day I grow up to be a man just like Mom!
Electile dysfunction
Still to this day holds the record as the worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
.. He's Dr Hans Sanitizer.
But I know he means well.
I was a little afraid of speed bumps too, but I’m slowly getting over them!
UPDATE: Thank you so much for all the upvotes and amazing responses, fellow Dad Joke lovers. You make the world a happier place! 🤩
"I'm measuring your patience!"
Apparently something was afoot.
They give us Nickelback
They send electricity through your nerves to see the response time. I was shocked to find out I have carpel tunnel syndrome.
The man thinks for a moment, and then replies, “I am perfect for you. In my last job, lots of things went badly wrong and they always said I was responsible.”
I'd rather dye.
"It's not a poplar tree contest."
My four year old granddaughter just came home from the zoo and asked why elephants have trunks. I did not miss a beat and replied they have too much stuff for a suitcase.
You’ll see. You’ll all see.
At my high school there's an annoying dude who hates puns so if you have any really bad ones I need you to comment...
I'm gonna send him to PUNintentiary!
I won't stop till he PUNches me!
