What do you call a guy who rents out his router?

A lanlord

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tightaperture
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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I keep thinking about how fun it would be to get a couple friends and go out to the lake. Maybe rent a pontoon boat.

I dunno, I’ll float the idea by my brother.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eff_tee_dub
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
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A buddy of mine only rents his apartments out to nuns.

Guess you could say he has a Sister complex...

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2020
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How many insects do you need to rent out an apartment?

Ten-Ants

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ScotchRichie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
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Is the solar systems rent out of this world?

I heard space is expansive

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ursppachulli
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2017
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I rented out a room to two beautiful Chinese Women..

They never complain, they keep to themselves and they always pay their rent on time. The only weird thing is they insist on paying me in stir-fry. But all in all, I guess they're pretty lo mein tenants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Schnauss
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
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Turns out there’s a group of people who believe the earth is just a rented apartment from galactic British overlords

damn flat earthers

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πŸ‘€︎ u/lurebat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
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The noodles that rented out my rental house were no problem at all.

I guess you could say they were low mein tentants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Danielaurence
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2019
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My friend always prefers renting out his apartment to Chinese chefs.

They are usually lo mein tenants.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
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I rented a house that turned out to be haunted. My landlord let me move to another house that he owned; that one was also haunted.

I guess I chose the lessor of two evils.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fat_Hitchhiker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2017
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Dad told me this one last night

Alright so yesterday at dinner my mom and dad told me and my sister that they decided that we would indeed drive to Florida and stay there and rent a place for a few months. The home they picked out is in the same community as my grandparents, I am all happy about this except for the part where we have to drive 1000 miles over 15 hours of driving. So anyway after my sister and I ask some questions about the place he says β€œdid you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet, but most have four”

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom...

....First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SledgeHog
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2018
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So a teenage boy asks a girl out to prom

He asks her out, and he needs to plan, so first, he needs his tuxedo.

So he goes to the tuxedo shop, and there's a huge line of people there, so he waits for 30 minutes, then an hour, and he finally gets his tuxedo.

Then, he needs to rent a limo, to look nice and formal and everything, so he walks into the limo rental shop, and again, there's a huge line, so he waits for 30 minutes and then an hour goes by, then 2, and he finally gets his limo.

On the night of the prom, he pulls up to her house with the limo, and she gets in, and on their way to the prom building, a huge traffic jam happens! So they wait, and then 30 minutes goes by, then an hour, and they finally arrive at the building!

So they walk in, take some pictures, and dance for a bit, and after a while, the girl asks, "hey can you get us some punch?"

So the boy walks over to the punch bowl and guess what?

There's no punchline.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/infinityglitches
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
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An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to make her final preparations to move to Switzerland.

When she arrived back home, the thought occurred to her that she had not seen a β€œW.C.” in the room or even down the hall. (A W.C. is short for β€œwater closet” and is what the English call a toilet.) So she immediately emailed the pastor to ask him where the β€œW.C.” is located.

The Swiss pastor had never heard of a β€œW.C.,” and so he Googled the abbreviation and found an article titled β€œWayside Chapels.” Thinking that the English lady was asking about a country church to attend near her new home, the pastor responded as follows:

Ms. Smith,

I look forward to your move. Regarding your question about the location of the W.C., the closest W.C. is situated only two miles from the room you have rented, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees. The W.C. has aΒ maximum occupancy of 229 people, but not that many people usually go on weekdays. I suggest youΒ plan to go on Thursday evenings when there is a sing-along. The acoustics are remarkable and the happy sounds of so many people echo throughout the W.C.

Sunday mornings are extremely crowded. The locals tend to arrive early and many bring their lunches to make a day of it. Those who arrive just in time can usually be squeezed into the W.C. before things start, but not always. Best to go early if you can!

It may interest you to know that my own daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I remember how everyone crowded in to sit close to the bride and groom. There were two people to a seat ordinarily occupied by one, but our friends and family were happy to share. Β I will admit that my wife and I felt particularly relieved when it was over. We were truly wiped out.

Because of my responsibilities in town, I can’t go as often as I used to. In fact, I haven’t been in well over a year. I can tell you I really miss regularly going to the W.C. Let’s plan on going together for your first visit. I can reserve us seats where you will be seen by all.

Sincerely,

Pastor Kurt Meier

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anthonybrose
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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So this might have been posted before but...

A boy was in love with a girl. Madly in love. He told his older brother, who suggested he ask her to the upcoming prom. So, that night, he went to her house with some flowers and chocolates and asked the girl to the prom.

She was overjoyed. She took the flowers and hugged him around the neck. When he went home, his brother told him he had to get ready. Prom was in only a week!

The next day, he traveled to a suit store. He picked out the perfect one. It would go perfectly with his date’s dress. He picked his up and went to check out. Unfortunately, it seems a lot of people were buying suits, as the line nearly went out of the store. He groaned, but anything for his love. After two long hours, he finally got his suit.

A couple days later, his brother suggested that he rent a limo. He and his brother went to rent one that evening. When they arrived, they discovered that there were nearly 50 people waiting to rent a vehicle. They waited for nearly three hours, but they were finally able to rent a limo for the big day.

The afternoon before the dance, he went to buy some flowers for his date. Unfortunately, the store seemed to be having a sale, and the checkout lines extended into the parking lot. He stomped his foot. β€œWhy is it that every time I go to buy something, everyone else wants to buy it too?!” He begrudgingly waited for nearly four hour before walking out with a bouquet of roses.

That night, he rode in the limo to his date’s house. She got in, and they talked the entire trip. He presented her with the flowers, which she adored. Her dress was stunning, and went perfectly with his suit.

They arrived at the school and got out, arms linked. They walked inside, said hi to a couple of friends, and began dancing and enjoying the night.

About halfway through the dance, the boy was parched. He told his girl that he was going to get a drink. He walked over to the snack table and discovered that there was no punch line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ohihatethesepants
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
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A lieutenant of a marching band had lost his piccolo, he went to a music instrument-store and asked for a piccolo

The store keeper said that they ran out of stock of piccolos but he could rent out a flute, the lieutenant agreed promptly.

After the performance the lieutenant came back to the store to return the flute. The store keeper asked if he was the flute tenant

No I am the lieutenant

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πŸ‘€︎ u/minecraftkoolkidz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2019
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"are these seats free?"

"We usually rent them out but just this once we'll let you off no charge."

Said to us last night when we needed somewhere to sit. :))

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2017
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Young Billy Finally Lands a Date for the Prom

He really wants to impress her, so he decides to rent a tux. However, when he gets to the rental place, people are queued up out the door. He doesn't let this stop him, though. He takes his place in line and gets to waiting.

Finally, after waiting for over an hour, he gets fitted and pays for the rental. Relieved, he heads to the florist for a corsage, only to discover that the line there is also out the door, and halfway around the block, to boot!

Miffed, he mutters some mild obscenities, but he is determined to see this through, so he waits for almost 2 hours before finally being able to buy the flowers he picked out.

It's now the night of the dance, and he's ready to go. He picks her up, and they head to the event. When they arrive, his date immediately asks him if he can grab her a drink - she's absolutely parched! Still determined to make this the best night of her life, he dutifully makes his way to the other side of the venue, where he discovers, much to his surprise...

 

 

 

There's no punch line.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rolling_Man
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
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Step Ladder

We were out on a party boat that our family rented. My wife's uncle points to the ladder to climb out of the water back in the boat and says, "That's just my step ladder, I never knew my real ladder."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/howdoesinternet
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2018
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100 Paw-sitively Meow-nificent Cat Purr-ns Fur Mew to Use Whenev-fur Mew Need
  • Allow => A-meow
  • Apology => A-paw-logy
  • Appalling => A-paw-ling
  • Attitude => Cat-titude
  • Awesome => Paw-some / Claw-some
  • Awful => Claw-ful / Paw-ful
  • Because => Be-claws
  • Before => Be-fur
  • Bother => Bo-fur
  • Catastrophe => Cat-astrophe
  • Catastrophic => Cat-astrophic
  • Catch => Cat-ch
  • Clever => Claw-ver
  • Confusing => Con-fur-sing
  • Congratulations => Con-cat-ulations
  • Different => Dif-fur-rent
  • Disappearance => Disa-purr-ance
  • Familiar => Fur-miliar
  • Feeling => Feline
  • For => Fur
  • For real => Fur real
  • Forever => Fur-ever
  • Forget => Fur-get
  • Fortunate => Fur-tunate
  • Forward => Fur-ward
  • Friend => Fur-end
  • Furious => Fur-ious
  • Further => Fur-ther
  • Get or Got => Cat
  • Help me out => Help meow-t
  • History => Hiss-tory
  • Hysterical => Hiss-terical
  • Inferior => In-fur-ior
  • Kidding me => Kitten me
  • Konnichiwa => Konnichi-paw
  • Literally => Litter-ally
  • Literature => Litter-a-ture
  • Lost => Claw-st
  • Lying => Lion
  • Magnificent => Meow-nificent
  • Marvellous => Meow-velous
  • Minimum => Mew-nimum
  • Misery => Mew-sery
  • Moment => Mew-ment
  • Mountain => Meow-ntain
  • Move => Mew-v
  • Music => Mew-sic
  • Musician => Meow-sician
  • Never => Nev-fur
  • New => Mew
  • Now => Meow
  • Over => Ov-fur
  • Paper => Pay-purr
  • Pardon me => Paw-don me
  • Pause => Paws
  • Perfect => Purr-fect
  • Perhaps => Purr-haps
  • Permission => Purr-mission
  • Person => Purr-son
  • Personal => Purr-sonal
  • Persuasion => Purr-suasion
  • Places => Purr-laces
  • Please => Paw-lease
  • Portable => Paw-table
  • Positive => Paw-sitive
  • Possibility => Paw-sibility
  • Possibly => Paw-sibly
  • Precious => Purr-ecious
  • Prefer => Paw-fer
  • Preposterous => Pre-paw-sterous
  • Pretty => Purr-ty
  • Priceless => Purr-iceless
  • Prince => Purr-ince
  • Princess => Purr-incess
  • Puns => Purr-ns
  • Purpose => Purr-pose
  • Referring => Re-fur-ing
  • Respond => Res-paw-nd
  • Simple => Sim-paw-le
  • Suffer => Suf-fur
  • Superior => Su-purr-ior
  • Tale => Tail
  • Talent => Tail-ent
  • Tell => Tail
  • That’s all => Cat’s all
  • Unfortunate => Un-fur-tunate
  • Very => Furry
  • Whenever => Whene-fur
  • Wonderful => Won-fur-ful
  • You => Mew
  • Apologize => A-paw-logize
  • First => Furr-st
  • How are you? => Meow are mew?
  • Morning => Meowrning
  • Phon
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eyl327
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2017
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Texting walkie talkie lingo is confusing.

My dad texted me to remind me to turn in my rent, he thinks I'll forget something important like that I guess. I didn't respond from his initial text message so he quickly sent me another

"Please confirm. Roger over and out."

I responded saying "Thank you!" he was clearly not happy with this and said

"You're supposed to say "Roger..Over" at the end of your communication. Over"

I replied "Roger I love you. Over"

My dad responded with "My name is Dad, not Roger. What the Hell? Over" ...

I will never understand his humor.. But it makes me laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/LynaM
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2013
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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The tale of Ivan Ivanavich (Long)

There once was a man from the Ukraine named Ivan Ivanavich. Now Ivan and his family were dirt poor, in fact they were so poor, that they had to sell the cockroaches and rats they found in their hovel to make some spare change to to feed their many family members. One day, Ivan decided it was time to travel to the United States to try and have a better life and miraculously he managed to get aboard a ship to the States. Now his journey on this ship was miserable, he was down in the bowels of the ship, which was flooded with rats and feces, but he hunkered down and gave it his all to survive this terrible journey. finally, one day he hears commotion above, they had arrived at last. Ivan walks up to the topside of the old ship and sees the New York Harbor. He stands there amazed seeing such a beautiful sight. Ivan starts his life in New York but he doesn't have a significantly better life than the one he left behind. Nobody is interested in hiring immigrants but eventually he lands himself a gig of selling old newspapers. He would go through garbage cans to find old papers and would sell them to people in the poorer part of town. He makes slightly more spare change, but not really enough to live a better life. In his spare time, which he had plenty, he decides to start free diving in the bay. He goes there each day, and started to get really good at it. One day, an owner of a Circus spots him diving and is amazed at how good he is. He decides to offer Ivan a job at his circus doing performance diving. Ivan eagerly accepts and begins his career as a circus member performing amazing high jumps into really small containers of water. After a few months of doing this he suggests to the owner one amazing jump to wow everyone and put his circus on top of the entertainment world. The owner contemplates this and eventually agrees. He rents a ship much like the one Ivan arrived in and placed the smallest container yet. The radio and tv crews, journalist all arrive to spectate the event of a lifetime. The hour arrives and Ivan begins his climb up a massive lighthouse on the edge of the cliff, and the ship is positioned into place beneath him. Ivan is very nervous but decides it's go time, and jumps from the massive lighthouse. As Ivan falls, he takes perfect form heading straight towards his target. As he dives a sudden wave pushes the ship ever slightly throwing off the careful alignment. Ivan hits the deck and goes straight through the top of the ship. The spectato

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Entophreak
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2017
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Rented a movie with my dad

Rented out the movie 'Olympus Has Fallen' yesterday. My dad proceeds to come into the room holding it, just so he can drop it and loudly exclaim "OLYMPUS HAS FALLEN!"

Cringing all round

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TacticalPancake
πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2013
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Making the best of senior prom

As I'm sure many of you can remember (or not), senior prom was one of the most exciting events of our pre-real world existence. However, in order to get to the actual event, there were three significant steps that needed to be taken care of:

  1. Sober up enough before actually getting to the venue
  2. Find a date who wasn't even weirder than you were
  3. Rent a tuxedo This last part posed quite a bit of a problem to me, mostly because tuxedos can be very expensive to come by. Luckily enough for me, a local formalwear shop had a great deal going on; they would give you massive discounts and even hefty prizes for referring as many of your friends as possible to their business. Eager as I was to save a few bucks, I proceeded to text everyone in my phone's contact list. Almost every one of them neglected to respond to my pitiful pleas of financial assistance, not wanting to get caught up in this scam that I myself had meandered into. Finally, my token black friend, Malik, unwillingly took my bait. He tentatively responded, asking more about what he could get out of the deal for himself. After much persistence on my part, he finally declined, trying his best to let me down gently. As my poor little heart finally broke completely in two, I decided to alleviate the social tension, replying to him, "Alright man, well, suit yourself."
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MinisculePeen
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2015
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best friend made me roll my eyes to the back of my head with this one

we're doing a liquor run and i point out this cool bottle of brandy that has a whole pear inside of it.

me: are you seeing this? that's a pear in that bottle!

friend: (with a stupid grin on her face) oh yeah! it's quite a-pear-rent.

I don't think i've rolled my eyes so quickly before.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hohobabysas
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2016
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So, my dad's driving a rental car...

Normally, my dad drives a more luxurious car, but he's rented some model of Toyota since one of the tires on his car is blown out. My brother and I are sitting in the back and as he's fiddling with the buttons, my brother says,

"Hey, dad, where are the buttons for the heated seats?"

To which my father sharply replies, "They're in the Jaguar."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/QuiteRadical
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2014
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You could be facing 20yrs.

I pulled out cash for our rent and gave it to my wife to hold. She put it in her jacket and tossed clothes into the laundry without removing the money. I hear Wife- "ohhh.. I found the money, I washed it." Me- "don't tell anyone, you can get in trouble for money laundering" Collective groans went around by everyone in earshot

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2015
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The most ridiculous situation ever, capped off with an epic dad joke

A few years ago, my dad and I were building an addition onto his house. He rented a tool from the hardware store and had to return it, so he asked me to come with him and we would get some breakfast. There was a Burger King nearby, so we decided to stop there to eat.

When we go to the drive-through, we realize the restaurant was closed down, so he drove around the building to get back on the highway. As we were passing the dumpsters, he stopped the car, backed it up, and pointed towards the ground near the dumpster. I looked for a few seconds, trying to see what he was pointing at.

Then... I saw it.

It was a giant, 12+ inch black dildo, standing upright next to the dumpster. It propped itself up on its fake dildo balls, gently swaying in the breeze.

I was astonished. I couldn't even imagine what events in the universe had to line-up so as to end up with that giant dildo meticulously placed next to the dumpster at a closed-down Burger King. I couldn't even begin to fathom why it was there.

My dad, with perfect timing, then shouted "GAY TIMES WILL BE HAD TONIGHT!" and sped out of the parking lot.

We ended up going to Denny's.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OBJHamSandwich
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2013
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A Nice Prom

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever. Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers. Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done. Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StardustTurtle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2018
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A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom.

First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there's a large limo line at the rental office, but he's patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there's no punchline.

πŸ‘︎ 81
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cyburai
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2013
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You won't see this one coming

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a tux, but there’s a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

Then he heads out to rent a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table and there’s no punchline.

πŸ‘︎ 72
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mickig_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2013
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