"It's driving me nuts."
They’re worried it’s going to push people over the edge......
The entire stock - wiped out
She rolled her eyes and sighed.
Me: "Typically I'm dad" :)
It was a hit!
Josh definitely has a chance at winning the "no Bell" prize this year
"How do you stop a gang of clowns?"
"Go for the juggler"
Shared an article with friends talking about how much of a let down the sales were for the Amazon Prime Day today.
Friend: "Go figure. All hype, no deliver."
Me: "Well, they are delivering. Two-day free shipping even!"
"Cue up the Nirvana because we're living in the 90s!"
Sitting around the dinner table on new years, and the subject of my parents not yet having Grandkids comes up. I'm single, but make enough to support a family, so my mother jokingly suggests a surrogate mother.
Me: I'm not paying for that! That's like $30,000!
My Dad: Then just find yourself a nice woman. She'll cost you WAY more than $30,000.
I ain't even mad. Best joke he's told all year!
Woman - "I had to be in bed for three months with my feet up."
My dad - "That's probably how you got pregnant."
That’s the story of my life
I still think he was selling himself short.
Those are Apple Bottom Genes.
She really wants to know who I’m siding with
I ode her that much.
"Would you like some bacon and eggs, a slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit juice and coffee?"
He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It must be the Viagra," he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite.
At lunchtime, she asks him if he'd like something. "How about a bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?"
He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food.
Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and some scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?"
He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra. I'm still not hungry."
"Well," she says: ""Can you now stop and get off me? I'm bloody starving!!".
It's called - Hairy Potter.
It was an odd love triangle...
But now I stand corrected
No one's posted here all decade...
(Regards from New Zealand)
The tarotdactyl
I can and I will.
While putting on a pair of jeans this morning before work, I remarked to my gf something along the lines of "I've had these jeans for years, they're so old!"
To which she replied: "Yeah I can see that, they look like they've been in your family for generations."
I'm still absolutely floored with pride.
The connection was bad, I couldn’t hear a thing.
They probably can't come to agreement on Spiderman because they don't want any strings attached.
People going so crazy it breaks the whole web
So I'm watching a show called outrageous 911 Calls, and there was a story of an old man who was cooking bacon that ended up burning. So he opens up his back door to try and air out some of the smoke. Well, the smell starts attracting flies and of course he calls the police to report it and hope that they can send someone to handle the fly issue. The emergency operator says the police cannot do anything to help him.
So I turn to my friend who is watching along side me, and I say, "Obviously the police can't help him, he needs a swat team."
Bah dum, tss
I was about thyme.
"Cedar, that's what I'm talking about. Its not oak-ee doke to take credit for what wood be my joke. Every bodhi has to create their own." I told her. Didn't mean to chop her down like that in hindsight. I hope she still pines after me.
It's a new addition.
She responded “you know, I slave away all day in this kitchen..”
So I cut in: “and you still can’t seem to get it right.”
On the plus side, it’s way roomier than I would have expected in this doghouse.
Today we were eating and my son ate a carrot without using the fork so my wife promptly said: "Don't eat with your fingers..." to which he answered: "I'm eating with my mouth!"
I was soooo happy and my wife had to let it slide...
(We don't speak English so I hope the joke isn't lost in the translation)
EDIT: Thanks for all the upvotes :) This was an unexpected surprise to wake up to. Very happy that it translates in to English so well. Now some clarifications:
-
Yes... the carrots were cooked, we are not psychopaths (in regards to our eating habbits)
-
My son is 10 years old and still living at home
-
We all speak English, just not our native language and not used at the dinner table
It was about time
They're all right now.
One of my housemates said he thought a hedgehog would make a cool pet, I replied "Nah, you don't want a hedgehog, they're all pricks."
I grew up in Vermont. Around my town were plenty of dairy farms, inviting the always wonderful manure aroma. An aroma that nearly forced my father to inhale deeply through his nose, saying, "Ah, fresh Vermont air!"
That's an excellent Dad one liner, as are most dad jokes, but he had another great one that I'm getting to.
You see, the hay bails we saw growing up in Vermont were mostly the cube variety. Hay bailing technology at the time created cubes of hay, so that's what dotted the fields they'd graze in.
As we grew older, we starting noticing the now more common round bails of hay. Dad was not pleased.
I asked him what the problem was or, at least, what his problem was with the round bails. The best jokes are set up when you ask for them.
So, he tells me. New farming technology allowed the round bails to be created more efficiently. They used less fuel in the bailers, took less passes on the field to gather the hay. They used less twine, and even though they didn't fill a truck as well as square bails, there was still a net monetary gain from the efficiency gained elsewhere.
However, studies were done on the bails. The cows approached them differently due to the different alignment of surface area. The way the rain hit the bails and rolled off as opposed to soaking in leached nutrients out of the hay. Some cows even mistook the shape of bail for another animal, and approached them so nervously that their heart rates were known to raise significantly; such a rate that a tinge of acidity could be tasted by those in the know in their milk.
What all of this amounted to... is that with the new round bails of hay, the cows just weren't getting a good square meal.
"Revolting!"
Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.
So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.
He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.
As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.
She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.
This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.
When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.
This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.
The two couldn't be happier!
They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.
One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.
She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.
She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.
A shallot, if you will.
A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.
They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.
The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.
Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.
Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.
He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.
One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.
The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.
She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to
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