I played monopoly with my family last night and managed to capture every railroad

Everybody thought the game was a real trainwreck

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Egreaves14
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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Every time i drive over a railroad crossing I say there's been a train through here recently do you know how I can tell?

It left it's tracks!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Texgymratdad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
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Railroad crossing without any cars. Spell that without any R’s

T H A T

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KnifeLegend19
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
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I didn't know the local railroad workers were good at singing

But I heard they were recently working on a new track

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πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2020
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You're the worst conductor in the railroad business. How many trains did you derail last year?

I don't know boss, it's so hard to keep track.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tacoenthusiast
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2020
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Feb 22 is National Railroad Day!

2/22.
TOO! TO-TOOO!
Get it?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrakemanBob
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2020
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I don't believe in bros before hoes or hoes before bros. There needs to a balance.

A homie-hoe-stasis if you will.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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Railroad conductors

Are so well trained

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
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What did the Railroad Engineer say to his apprentice?

You need more training.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FaceInTheCloudz
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
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Every time we go over a railroad crossing, I tell my kids...

β€œHey, a train just went by!"

β€œHow do you know daddy?”

β€œBecause its tracks are still here!”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2017
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Railroad engineers are great at their jobs.

They have a lot of training

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FeedbackUSA
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
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What did the monkey say when he put his tail on the railroad tracks?

It's won't be long now!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2019
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I wanted to build a railroad

But I couldn’t stay on track

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2019
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Drives by railroad crossing: a train came through here not to long ago. It’s tracks are still here
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πŸ‘€︎ u/420rubberducky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
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Everytime I cross a railroad I say, "I can tell a train has passed by here."

"I know that because I can see it's tracks."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nightman54
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
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Father and son are driving in car when they pass over a set of railroad tracks.

Look son, a train has gone by here recently. Son,How can you possibly know that dad? Dad... Look there...you can see it's tracks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/catonmyshoulder69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2018
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I used to want to work on the railroad

But I realized it would require too much training.

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Canuckpunk
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2017
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What does a railroad engineer do to prepare for his job?

He trains.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zechman4
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2015
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As we were passing over a railroad crossing my dad gave me this one.

Him: A train just came through there, you know how I could tell?

Me: How?

Him: I could see its tracks.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2018
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Construction of the railroad would fall behind if the tie-truck didn't arrive soon

The workers hoped it would soon so they could get back on track

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
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I work for the railroad, so they thought I was imparting important knowledge

Me: "I can tell a train just went through here" Wife and son: "How?" Me: "It left it's tracks" Wife goes back to reading book, son puts headphones back on.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/stinksnots
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2015
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I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 16k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2019
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Every time we pass a railroad crossing...

"OH WOW THIS IS SPECTACULAR. A train must have been here recently, you can still see its tracks!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaconMaster64
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2013
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What do you call a railroad apprentice?

A trainee.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/martzfartz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2016
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So the football stadium at my university is located across the railroad tracks from a very old cemetery...

My family comes up to visit and see the campus and as we drive down the road between the stadium and the cemetery I mentioned to them how hard it is to get tickets this year. Pointing in the direction of the cemetery, my dad proceeds to say "oh I bet they're just dying to get in!"

Groans all around.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/OutgoingBuffalo
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2015
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Every time we crossed the railroad

Dad-Oh a train must of just went by.

Me-How can you tell?

Dad-Can't you see the tracks?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/skinsred66
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2015
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Why can’t locomotive engineers be electrocuted?

Because they are not conductors

text from my dad who just retired from being a train engineer this morning

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rainreset
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2018
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How do you say, "Richard and Robert retrieved a rabbit" without pronouncing the "r's?"

Dick and Bob caught a bunny.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amoreena23
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2016
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Q: What was Hitler's favorite computer game?

A: Mein Kraft


^(/u/a_fan_of_grump points out that if you spell it "meine kraft" then it's grammatically correct German and it means "my power" - quite fitting actually)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/florinandrei
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2016
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Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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My wife and I were stuck behind a van advertising granite countertops.

Wife: Those look good. I'd kill to have our counters redone.

Me: Sure...but then you'd be taking life for granite.

πŸ‘︎ 239
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VictoriousBadger
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2016
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Son: "Hey dad, can you spell check my essay?"

Dad: "c-h-e-c-k m-y e-s-s-a-y"

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2015
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There once was a man.....

There once was a man who had a job driving a passenger train between two large towns. It could be a very dull job to some, but as the old saying goes, one man's trash is another's gold; he wanted to be a railroad man since he was a boy.

He was a wiz behind the controls of the train, and commanded the 15 car vehicle effortlessly as if he had been born to do the job. He prided himself on the fact that he could bend the rules and speed through curves and grades that made other motormen shiver and back off.

One day however, he wasn't so lucky and came round a bend too fast and derailed his train. He backed off the throttle and braked as much as he could, managing to only have one fatality out of 500 passengers on his train.

Months later there was a trial and he was found guilty of manslaughter in the highest degree, a capital offence in that land, and sentenced to die by electric chair. Punishment came swift, unlike most places, and 3 days after sentencing the former railroader was asked for his last meal.

"I'll have a banana," "Just a single banana?" said the perplexed guard. "The warden will grant you a feast and all you want is that?"

"Just a single banana." he said.

After he downed the fruit, he was strapped into the electric chair an hour later.... The warden hit the switch, lights flickered, and the crackle of electricity could be heard for over a minute...

...but our train jockey instead rose from the chair looking more like he got a stiff massage, rather than be put to death! Well in that nation, the law of the land states that if a man somehow survives being put to death, they must be set free...

...And so it came to pass that our engineer was let go...

And for whatever reason, he got his job back!

So he was back railroading again doing the job that he loved. You'd think he'd have been more cautious with this second chance he'd been given, but you'd also be wrong. Speedy Gonzales with a train license decided to gun his locomotive to hard and send it off the tracks again!

Of course, this time he was tried for the same crime, but at a different time (his was a fair commonwealth and double indemnity was simply unheard of!) So fair was their nation, that the jury came up with the same judgement and punishment. So three days later, when asked for his last meal, the engineer simply said "I'll have 2 bananas..."

Not less than 60 minutes after consuming the last morsel was he strapped into the chair and the switch thrown... And....

NOTHING.

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/onmugen
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2016
🚨︎ report
Got my wife while walking the dogs.

We were out on a stroll with our dogs when we came up to a railroad crossing:

Me: kneeling down examining the ground "A train must have come through here..."

Wife:"How can you tell?"

Me:smirking "It left its tracks right here!"

Wife:continues walking, leaving me behind

Edit:Grammar, guh...

πŸ‘︎ 459
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TinBritches
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2014
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A train just came by

Riding home with my girlfriend (now wife because of this) and we crossed over some railroad tracks. I let out a loud, "hmmmm."

She said, "What?"

Me, "A train must have just come through here."

She, "How do you know that?"

Me, "Because it left its tracks."

Me laughing hysterically, I could actually hear her eyes roll.

One of my favorites and eight years later, we're still together. The ladies love dad jokes.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Murica1776PewPew
πŸ“…︎ Aug 18 2018
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I hope this wasn't too inappropriate

I was getting ready to leave the house and my daughter wanted a ride somewhere and was taking her sweet ass time. I told her, "this trains a leavin', Hurriet Upman." She's in the sixth grade, so I don't think they've taught her about the underground railroad yet, but I lost my shit. Damn, I love being a dad.

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2015
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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3 spears of asparagus.....

3 spears of asparagus are walking down some railroad tracks when a train comes along. The first asparagus says, "Watch this!"

He proceeds to make his way across the tracks, dodging and weaving between the wheels and making it clear to the other side.

The second asparagus says, "I got this!" and proceeds to dodge and weave across the track and between the wheels, only at the last second gets bumped off, leaving her with a bruised behind.

The last asparagus strolls up to tracks and hops right over and BAM gets slammed by underside of the train right in crown, breaking the stalk and sending him flying. His 2 friends come running up, they gather him up as best they can and rush him to the nearest hospital.

After a grueling 12 hour surgery, the head surgeon comes out to the waiting area to update the asparagus spears.

"well, I have good news and I have bad news." he said.

"The good news is your friend is going to live."

"The bad news is he will be a vegetable for the rest of his life."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/StingsLikeBitch
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2016
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Every damn time.

When my dad and I would come across a railroad crossing (weather it be on a drive or a bike ride etc) he would say a small rhyme:

"Railroad crossing, watch out for the cars. Can you spell it without any 'r's'?"

And of course, I'd always go with "ail-oad...." and then he'd interrupt with:

"No- 'i-t'"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mobius_164
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2013
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My boss got me with a geographer jokes today

I work as a Geographic Info Systems Analyst and majored in Geography. My boss asks me to make a map for him that'll show some railroad data, etc. After he explained the project he says "hey guys thanks a lot. You guy are special.....no wait, you're spatial!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tamumike3
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2015
🚨︎ report
Railroad Crossing

Railroad crossing, look out for cars. Can you spell that without any "R"s?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bonuscivis_Eques
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Every time we go past a railroad crossing, I always tell my kids, "Hey, a train just went by!" They grudgingly ask, β€œHow do you know daddy?”

β€œBecause its tracks are still here!”

πŸ‘︎ 300
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2018
🚨︎ report
Feb 22! It's National Railroad Day!

2/22!
TOOOOO!
TOO-TOOOOO!!

πŸ‘︎ 174
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BrakemanBob
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2018
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Railroad crossing without any cars, can you spell that without any "r"s?

T H A T

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Show_me_yo_tits
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2015
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Railroad Tracks

Every time we pass over a set of railroad tracks.

D: "Did you know the train just came by?"

"No, how do you know?"

D: "Well, it had to have come by. It left its tracks."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tehsnake
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2013
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A train just went by here, wanna know how I know?

It left its tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JLECVICTORY
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad got me with this solid dad joke the other day.

While walking down the street, we came to a railroad crossing.

Dad: Do you know how I can tell that the train just came through?

Me: How?

Dad: It left its tracks.

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nd2819
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2016
🚨︎ report

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