It's like normal tennis but without the racket.
Because there was a kid napping.
It’s the same as regular tennis but without the racket.
It was marked “reserved.”
It was the clam before the storm.
but it backfired.
it’s just like normal tennis, but without the racket
Night in, shining armour.
It forgot to turn its mew-on!
Sigh-lence
A man walks up to her and mournfully says, "Bargain."
She looks up and smiles and says, "Thank you. That means a great deal."
"It’s just like regular tennis but without the racket!"
He only had 12 decibels.
.. so I took the batteries out of the smoke detector.
So I turned off the smoke detector
Because it might wake up the sleeping pills
or will he make a racket ?
A blonde walks into the library and says to the librarian "I'll have a cheeseburger fries and a Coke"
The librarian says"ma'am, this is a library"
The blonde then says sorry and whispers "I'll have a cheeseburger fries and a Coke"
So I turned the Smoke Detector Off
It was a man-date
He was a man of few words
I'm training for this ahead of time.
Edit #1: Thank you reddit. I think you ensured I will be getting divorced. Don't let up, it's full steam ahead.
Edit #2: My wife hates train puns. I sent her screen shots. She's on to my loco-motives.
Edit #3: I'm speechless. Largely because it's like 6am and I want to stay quiet to not wake up my wife, she's out coal'd, snoring like a freight train. I feel like you all really railed it with these jokes. I hope that she doesn't chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga chugga choose choose to divorce me. I couldn't wait until the train ride. I told my wife some of the jokes. I working on a YouTube compilation of them from last night. I feel like she conducted herself quite well.
Edit #4: [These jokes were off the rails. Here is the YouTube link of my wife's reaction so far.] (https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dQw4w9WgXcQ)
Edit #5: I'm about to start training.
So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Give it antihisstamines.
A private tutor.
They had to hand it to him.
He made over six figures last year
Because he's always Russian.
He's relaxing in a comfy chair, reading the newspaper, until he hears a quiet voice call out to him:
"Nice suit."
The man looks up and around for the source of the comment, but to no avail. There's no one else in the lounge except for an attendant, busily working away on the other side of the room.
Figuring he must've been hearing things, the man resumes reading the newspaper, until a few minutes later when the same voice says to him:
"That's a lovely watch."
Again, the bewildered man searches for the source of the voice, but there is absolutely no one who could have possibly said it to him. Exasperated, he gives up and goes back to reading his paper. But once more, the voice speaks to him:
"Great haircut."
The man whips his head up, gets to his feet and looks around but there is nobody there. Desperate, he calls for the attendant to come over. He asks:
"Excuse me, but could you hear that voice talking before? I can't see anyone else but me and you here."
"No, I'm afraid I haven't heard anything of the sort." replies the attendant, shaking his head.
"It keeps on saying how much it likes my clothes, my watch - even my haircut!" states the man, growing frustrated.
A beam of realisation dawns across the attendant's face. Gesturing towards a bowl of provided nuts resting on the table, the attendant chimes:
"Oh! That must be the peanuts! They're complimentary."
Kids meals only $150.
A Milpitas couple was being shown around Moscow one day, by their communist guide, Rudolf, when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
“I think it’s raining,” he said to his wife.
“No, that felt more like snow to me,” she replied.
“No, I’m sure it was just rain,” he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
“Let’s not fight about it!” the man said. “Let’s ask our guide, Rudolf, whether it’s officially raining or snowing.”
As their tour guide approached, the man said, “Tell us, Comrade Rudolf, is it officially raining or snowing?“
“It’s raining, of course,” he replied officiously.
But the woman insisted, “I know that it felt like snow!”
The man quietly replied, “Rudolph, the Red, knows rain, dear!“
How silently, how silently the wondrous gift is Gin!
But so far, creative types haven’t felt cause to be threatened. Well, I hate to break it to you, but robots should and will be doing stand up soon. Human comics are great and all, but robots are far superior. Why? Human beings don’t devote their whole selves to the pursuit of comedy. They have their minds occupied by the various quiet tragedies of life, but robots…
Robots only think in bits.
He was a buff alone soldier
It really goes without saying
Not screaming and crying like the other people in the car.
This was a few years ago, but my father-in-law loves to tell this story:
He witnessed a car accident at a 4-way stop. Nothing serious, just a fender-bender. The car who had run the stop sign drove off. My FIL pulled over, of course, checked on the driver of the other car, and offered to call the police.
And then he saw it. Laying on the pavement, right at the spot of the impact, was the other car's license plate. He quietly picked it up, set it in his car, and hoped he would get the right set-up.
He was not disappointed. After giving the officer his description of the accident, the officer asked, "Did you happen to get the license plate of the other car?"
FIL, totally deadpan, says, "Why, as a matter of fact..." as he reaches into his car and pulls out the license plate, "I've got it right here."
As if on cue, another officer at the scene came walking up right at that moment, asking, "Was he able to get the plates?"
FIL holds the plate up higher, points to it, "Yep, right here!"
Peak dad joke.
You tell them to shut down.
Courtesy of my 8 year old. I thought it was hilarious.
I asked him if he’s okay. He said, “Yeah, I’m great!”
So I turned the smoke detector off
...so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarms...
