Peaceful Puns

They like to beat the crowds.

It can't help itself- its dipolar.

They practice Naan violence.

I dont want any beef.

Perhaps she'll be able to tell me herself at the funeral

I feel FroZen

Not like the people screaming in his car

I Am Grout

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the day, the doctor calls Larry’s wife.

“Bonnie,” he says, “Larry is doing fine! But I had to call you because I’m in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night, and poof, the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he’s done, poof, the light goes off?”

“Oh sweet Jesus”, exclaims Bonnie. “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again!”

Me: Well, it’s ......a long story.

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.

Shorts

But it was a false Salaam.

...unlike the rest of the people in the car who probably died screaming, “Irene! Irene! Wake up! Wake Up!!

... he was zen-ophobic!

"Stop eating caterpillars!"

I said yes. The others were all nines and tens.

For his dedication to world hominy

If it were up to me, you’d be a shoo-in for the Nobel Peace Prize.

The Prince of the vultures had always been a rebel, but he surprised everyone when he announced he was going to be a vegetarian. And nobody expected this to divide the vulture kingdom, with nearly half the vultures supporting the Prince's choice. Tempers flared, and civil war was brewing when the Prince burst into the King's chambers.

"Father," he cried, "I never meant to cause this. I'll do anything you say to reunite the kingdom. Please, Father, what should I eat?"

The King set a plate of roadkill in front of the Prince, and said "Carrion, my wayward son. There'll be peace when you are done."

You will be mist.

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"

As are many people these days, I am at home with my kids all day long.

Kid: I asked you a question!

Me: I didn't hear you.

Kid: Three times, too!

Me: Six.

No punch line

They signed a peace tweety

Dissatisfied with the style of life that he found there, The Monk decides to move into a suburban neighborhood and start up his own line of work. Being trained in the peaceful ways he gets on very well with his neighbours who eventually notice that he has a very strange profession. Despite being very strong and very philosophical The Monk elects to repeatedly visit places with broken fences and remove and replace them.

One day has neighbour approaches him and asks, "with the physical strength and mental capacity that you seem to have, are you not interested in a more physically or mentally challenging job?"

To which The Monk replies, "but everybody knows reposting gives you the most karma."

Because they have no beef...

Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

Not kicking and screaming like the passengers in his car.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

Because of his dedication to world hominy.

So i took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

Not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

And not screaming like the passengers in his car

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.

So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm

"The big bad wolf!" a goat shouted. "Is meditating!"

"So? Isn't that a good thing? questioned the bear.

"Noooo!" the goat bleated. "It's become aware wolf!"