What do you call a piece of bread preaching pacifism?

Naan violent

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ra1ds4ad0w
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
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Why isn’t the Pacific Ocean warm?

Because it’s bordering on Chile..

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TacoBananaBlend
πŸ“…︎ Jun 18 2020
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My son is learning about proper nouns and he said that a proper noun is specific thing and a common noun isn't. He said an Ocean is a common noun and the Pacific is a proper noun.

I look him dead in the eye and say, "What a Pacific example you just gave"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ProfessorOfLies
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
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What did the Pacific Ocean say to the Atlantic Ocean

Nothing it just waved

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πŸ‘€︎ u/reallyuwoud
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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Exploring the Pacific...
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πŸ‘€︎ u/acadiel
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2017
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So I was given the ability to fly the other day, decided to give it a whirl over the pacific. Little did I know how tired I was getting but just in the knick of time I saw a remote location that looked deserted off the coast, so what do I do?

Island.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Snaaaaaaaaaake
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2017
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Dora and Diego visit the North West in winter

Dora and Diego travel to the Pacific Northwest in the middle of winter. Suddenly they realise that there is a problem with their car, so they quickly pull into a nearby garage. The mechanic comes out and asks them "so what's wrong with your car?" Dora replies:

"Wiper no Wiping!!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/eldukae
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2020
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Two ships collided in the middle of the Pacific Ocean.

Two ships collided in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. One was carrying red paint and one was carrying blue paint. The crews of both ships were marooned.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Intagvalley
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2018
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So me and Eddie Vedder go camping, but he insists on building the fire

He says β€œMy campfires are better, man.”

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πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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So the Atlantic and Pacific oceans were arm wrestling. At first the Pacific was winning, but then the Atlantic started to gain the upper hand.

You could say the tides have turned.

Ill be here all night folks.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShedATyr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 04 2018
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When calm, why is it bad to visit cafes on an island in the South Pacific Ocean?

They make you Fiji tea.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2018
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My son said he wanted to swim in an ocean someday, any ocean at all.

I told him to be more Pacific.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2020
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Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...

"I'm on antidepressants."

He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
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What do you call incorporeal undead on eastern pacific islands?

Galapaghosts

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MediatorZerax
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2015
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Where is Guam?

I know it's west of California but where Pacific-ly?

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πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
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My son won’t eat Atlantic cod

He has Pacific taste in seafood

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bridgeheadprod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
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We were building a sandcastle on an Oregon beach...

And a big wave snuck up on us. We ran quickly, leaving behind a shovel. I exclaimed β€œthe ocean took your shovel!”

My son: β€œWhich one?”

β€œ...Well, the Pacific...”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cryogenicist
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
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My friend asked me how big the ocean is.

I said "can you be more Pacific?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/urak47
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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I was hoping to watch Stranger Things at 12:00 am MDT

Their website says it won’t come out until 12:00 am PDT, they were very pacific about that point.

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
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Hey dad. How big is the specific ocean?

I don't know son. Can you be more pacific?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/MattTheGamer20
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2017
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Reddit, what is your favorite ocean?

Please, be Pacific.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/28Hz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2018
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I was trying to make up a joke about the ocean...

... but I couldn't think of anything pacific.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2016
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I tried to give my Dad directions to the beach...

But he said I wasn't being Pacific enough.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElliottEnriquez
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
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Not sure if this fits the mold, but I am a dad and I like it...

So 3 explorers were captured by the king of a pacific island. One explorer was from Paris, one was from London, and one was from New York. The island king told them that they were all going to be killed, and that their skins would be used to make canoes. The king gave them a choice as to how they would die.

The explorer from Paris chose to be killed by a guillotine, and they cut off his head.

The explorer from London chose to be killed by a gun, and they shot him in the head.

The explorer from New York chose to be killed by a fork. The island kind was confused. He didn't know what to do with the fork, so he gave it to the explorer from New York. The guy immediately starts stabbing himself all over with the fork. There is blood everywhere and it's a horrific scene. The dismayed island king asks the explorer from New York what the hell he's doing, and the New Yorker replies...

FUCK YOU AND YOUR GOD-DAMN CANOE.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/nimble2
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2017
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A fisherman was trying to learn the alphabet

But he got lost at C

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chutney_star
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2015
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Vasco de Balboa told the Queen of Spain, β€œI discovered a large body of water on my journey.”

She said, β€œCould you be a little more pacific?”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2018
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Sea this!

Son: Dad how deep is the ocean? Dad: which ocean? You’ve got to be more pacific

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FruitBowlLime
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2017
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Why doesn't Atlantic Ocean move out of the Earth?

It has pacific neighbours.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Uhehesh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2016
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The hidden puns of LexisNexis

Years ago I used to use a LexisNexis database of companies that would give corporate information like name, address, and general business description. While most of them were pretty bland, there were a bunch of them with some really cheesy puns, and over a few years I built quite a collection.

Today I share with you "NEXIS IS RIDICULOUS.txt":

  • Bucyrus International caters to those who mine their own business.
  • It would be logical for Mr. Spock to boldly go to Vulcan International for rubber products. He might even live long and prosper -- in comfortable shoes.
  • What do manufacturer Electro-Motive Diesel (EMD) and 1970s band Grand Funk Railroad have in common? They both want you to do the locomotion!
  • Peter Piper can pick more than a peck of peppers or pickles from B&G Foods.
  • Toray Plastics America could sing "foam, foam on the range, where the polyester and polypropylene materials are made" all day.
  • Break out the Tums, because things are awfully gassy over at Air Liquide America.
  • If a tree falls in a Weyerhaeuser forest, someone is there to hear it -- and he has a chainsaw.
  • Although not a pushover, you can walk all over Wilsonart International.
  • Here's a HEICO haiku: HEICO companies/ Providing for jet engines/ In flight or on land.
  • American Italian Pasta Company (AIPC) uses its noodle in many different ways.
  • The golf industry doesn't mind when Aldila gives it the shaft.
  • Rat-a-tat-tat and a ringa-ding-ding. What's that? Answer: The sounds emanating from Pearl, one of the world's foremost makers of drums and other percussion and musical instruments.
  • Saint-Gobain Ceramics & Plastics deals powders and crystal, but there's no need to call the cops.
  • Pamida Stores Operating Company offers more small-town values than a bandwagon of Republicans on the campaign trail.
  • Like a tight end, offshore drilling contractor Transocean dreams of going deep but doesn't mind eating a little mud.
  • Rittal me this, Batman!
  • Utility Trailer Manufacturing is spreading its own brand of reefer madness.
  • Who is the Fresh Prince of Sullair?
  • If GrafTech International were a bard, it could wax poetic in an ode to the electrode.
  • When it comes to adhesives and vibration control products, LORD knows.
  • You might say that Deere & Company enjoys its customers going to seed.
  • Pfizer pfabricates pfarmaceuticals pfor quite a pfew inpfirmities.
  • Stripping is OK at Spraylat.
  • Don't think Seton is
... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2016
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Not really a 'joke' per se, but my dad's take on 'Let It Snow', from Southern California

So my dad sent this to everyone in his office. I groaned a couple of times and thought it'd fit in well here.

Oh, the weather outside is crazy
Like a film from Martin Scorsese
The rain will fall and the wind will blow
El niΓ±o, el niΓ±o, el niΓ±o

It doesn’t show signs of stopping
My shirt and pants are sopping
Oh, where did that umbrella go
El niΓ±o, el niΓ±o, el niΓ±o

Weather patterns don’t seem right
Southern Cal is all a storm
The marine layer and all of its might
All because the Pacific is warm

The fear of fire is now subsiding
our thoughts turn to mudsliding
Down the hillside our houses flow
El niΓ±o, el niΓ±o, el niΓ±o

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2015
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I stayed in Australia for a while and was rewarded with the ultimate Dad story

My friend had a really interesting job. One of those jobs you didn't know people could get.

tl;dr just read it, it's worth reading the whole description of the job

Before I moved, my neighbor's job was based in Antarctica. He worked with one of the research centers there, and his job was standing up penguins. I kid you not β€” when shipments arrived by air, like by helicopter or by airplane or whatever, the penguins would all look up with their tiny heads and look up so high they would fall over backwards. Now, penguins are super awkward in how they waddle everywhere, and so, not wanting to disturb the local environment, the research station had to have someone that could suit up and go out there and stand up penguins.

As soon as every shipment arrived, he would say, "Welp, better go suit up now," get into the whole penguin suit, and waddle out there all incognito and stand the penguins on their feet again. I'm sure they could have done it on their own, eventually, but the idea was to disturb the animals for as little time as possible.

I thought it was the most ridiculous thing when he told me, but he got the job through his dad's researcher colleague. Basically, the deal was they would get people to go down for 3-month periods (I think he ended up doing 6 months) and this was his occupation for that time. Actually, is plane flight there was one of the really cool parts: LA went to Sydney, which then went back across the Pacific to Buenos Aires. Then, on the final leg, he would finally go Buenos Aires to the research station. The planes actually had to be specially fitted for the job, though β€” Of course, you can't have typical runways in Antarctica because they'd get ice all over them and there'd be all these problems β€” so the planes had to have mechanics on board each flight who would, mid-flight, switch out the take-off wheels for the landing skis. Just like a sea plane, except it was a snow-plane. Coolest thing ever.

Oh, but the way he described working with the penguins was the best! Most of the time he'd just go out and stand them up, but sometimes one would hurt itself. Like one time one of them fell over backwards and hit its foot the wrong way, so he had to not only pick it up, but give medical help, too. He seriously had to prop up the penguin, take off his glove, and pull on each of the penguins little webbed toes, pull on their legs. Sort of like how I'm pulling your leg right now.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/L1AM
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2013
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I thought I was the dad?

My sister was talking about how the Atlantic has shit weather, because it's mad that's it's not as big as the Pacific.

My wife replies, "it throws temperature tantrums".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GodDonut
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2016
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Got my girlfriend for the first time at the Hoover Dam!

I asked her what time it is and she said "We are in the pacific time zone now so..." And I said "well that's very S'Pacific'! And a moan ensued and then she said "let's just pretend you didn't just say that". I would call that a success!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bitingpuppy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2015
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So today I bought some fish...

I recently joined a CSF - a community supported fishery. Once a week, I'll pick up a filet of freshly-caught salmon, a bag of shellfish, or other such delights from the Pacific Ocean and bring it home to my darling wife and children to much joy (or anguish, depending on who you're asking.)

You get to choose your pick-up spot, and I chose a location close to my office, so I could swing by on the way home; it's a nautical-themed bar, appropriate for such a business transaction. "Go to the bartender and ask for the fish", say the instructions; so I did, and he handed me the catch of the day. Gleaming white filets, glorious they were. Then I met a friend of mine, and after chatting for a little while, I went home.

"Jack," says my wife, "what took you so long? You should have been home an hour ago!"

"Sorry," I said. "I stopped by the bar, just for the halibut."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ajacksified
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2014
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My dad says this at every opportunity he gets:

What's the scariest plant? Bam-BOO!

Don't get scared by the new cutting board. It's made from bam-BOO! Pandas aren't afraid of anything. They're surrounded by bam-BOO! War movie about the Pacific? Look how scared they are! It's because of the bam-BOO!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jinx_182
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2013
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As a kid, whenever my friends rotary phone rang...

...his dad jumped up into a boxing stance and said, "what round is it". For you kiddies, rotary phones sounded like a bell ringing.

Backstory, he often reminded us we were talking to the 1940 something pacific fleet middle lightweight champ.

He was a great guy and I miss him.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/battle_hardend
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2013
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A sea of people

My friend Shorty and I went to our schools football game and are looking out for our other friend.

Shorty: agh I see her but there are so many people, she's an ocean away.

Me: An ocean? AN ocean?! Well which one! Be more Pacific.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bingo4913
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2014
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What time do you have?

Pacific

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πŸ‘€︎ u/KaiserTom
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2013
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