Cop: "Do you think I am stupid ? I can see you through the window."
Mee: "You are not coming in."
Cop: "I don't want to come in. I want you to step out of your car !!"
I just want some peas and quiet.
"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.
...it's crickets.
I guess it goes without saying
It's instrumental to my comprehension.
I’ll get my coat
You will be mist.
Unless you have young children then silence becomes suspicious.
"I'm a really big heavy metal fan."
It’s easier said than done.
I think she still regrets letting me name the kids.
It is St.Fu.
Friend: watching TV show called Sunday "I wonder when Sunday ends."
Me: "11:59 I think."
I replied, "It's the basic structural component of the universe..."
My daughter comes home from school and plops down in the chair in front of me hands in her hair
Daughter: My Homework is SOO gay
Me: I'm glad to hear that it's LGTBY friendly
She gives me a blank stare with a few blinks for about 10 seconds
Daughter: What!? Dad.. NO! It's not that! I mean it's... Just... no!
Me: Oh! so it's happy then! I'm glad your homework had a great day at school!
My daughter exhales sharply
Daughter: Sure dad, it's Happiest homework ever!
Duct tape is silver... silver can be made into gold.
If you think long enough about it
There was no racquet.
A Hannibal Lectern
Playing soccer with my 8 year old brother (I'm sortve like an uncle to him) when he then says his eye is hurting.
Me: Really are you okay?
Him: Yeah it's alright. It happens sometimes when I'm reading and i can't make out the words.
Me: (thinking he may have dyslexia) Oh really, what happens to the words when you try to read them?
Him: I can't read them. Sometimes words just moosh together, like "they" and "are" become one word, it's weird.
Me: Maybe you just have conjunctivitis!
XD
(Then had to explain what "conjunctivitis" and a "conjunction" is - still a win in my books)
When I was a teen, feeling properly unheard as any teen girl does, anytime I'd say, "Nobody ever listens to me!" my dad would always respond, "What?"
We were taking a final in drivers ed and one of the questions was "How long does it take to fall into a stare" and the instructor said, "Wait a minute I have to go stretch" and so he walked outside so we could see him out the window and he proceeded to intentionally trip down the stairs. He walked back inside and said "That should answer that," and everyone sat their uncomfortably until he looked closer at the paper and said, "oh, I thought it asked how long does it take to fall into a stair". Needless to say there was the longest uncomfortable silence, accompanied by a faint cough in the back...
"Baa."
