My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why aren't people in Norway able to purchase anything?

Kronervirus

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckyhacks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife returned a package of pantyhose that she bought online, but they only refunded 90% of the purchase price...

...they claimed the 10% was a re-stocking fee.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Me (at the numbers store): β€œCan I please purchase all of these averages?”

Clerk: β€œSure, buy all means”

Admittedly a median joke, at best.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pj566
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, β€œBy mistake?”

I shouted, β€œOh come on! Not you too!”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
There are reports that, because of the covid outbreak, Rick Astley is hoarding copies of a 2009 Pixar film, and all albums by a southern metal band from New Orleans. He is not allowing anyone to borrow them. It's also said that Mr. Astley is refusing to go out and purchase cake for others.

To summarize:

He's never gonna give you Up

Never gonna lend you Down

Never gonna run around, and dessert you.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
🚨︎ report
The Louigiana Purchase.
πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/coadnamedalex
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2019
🚨︎ report
Where did Captain Hook purchase his hook?

At a second hand store.

πŸ‘︎ 595
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sk1wbw
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Usually I pick the Royal Mail as a deliverer for my purchases

It's because they do it door-tudor

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/L24D
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them…

He asked, β€œBy mistake?”

I said, β€œOh come on! Not you too!”

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2017
🚨︎ report
The guy at 7 eleven asked if I wanted 10 free packs of Tic-Tacs with my purchase, and I asked him under what condition?

Mint condition.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LadySparta729
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I finally decided to purchase stock in cannabis.

The company is really growing.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/casimir1978
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Store clerk: β€œSo, are you sure you want to purchase this pillow?”

β€œI think I’m going to sleep on it.”

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/akshaypbhat
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My store gives Spanish-speaking men 5% off every purchase.

It's a seΓ±or discount.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2018
🚨︎ report
When I wanted to buy a helicopter, my wife said I shouldn't make impulsive purchases.

I said, "You're right! I should take it out for a spin first."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BinaryPeach
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
If You're Thinking About Making a Purchase ...

... does that make you buy-curious?

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MisterFrontRow
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2018
🚨︎ report
My new fan purchase has truly blown me away
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nonixious
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
🚨︎ report
If I purchase something from Microsoft Store,

Am I window shopping?

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bjngjie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I simply had to purchase the new hat of matted wool!

It felt great!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My store is giving away a first aid bag with the purchase of 3 health items.

The health items aren’t much, but the bag is a big plus!

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/An-Ex-Parrot9
πŸ“…︎ Jul 01 2018
🚨︎ report
My favorite brand of almonds is offering a free tank of gasoline with every purchase

Blue Diamond Fill-Ups have been a big hit

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 22 2019
🚨︎ report
What is the one fruit you cannot purchase by itself?

A pear.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eleece
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Me: "Hey John, people keep thinking I'm going to purchase beef for them."

John: "Buy me steak?"

Me: "Not you too."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kaos_ZephyR
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2018
🚨︎ report
I went to Cole's this morning to buy cabbage, apparently its a legal requirement for me to also purchase carrots and mayonnaise when purchasing cabbage.

It's Cole's Law.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eng69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2018
🚨︎ report
How do Australian chess pieces pay for large purchases?

They use a check, mate

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnitaRide
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2017
🚨︎ report
Why couldn’t the cantaloupe purchase a firearm?

Because he was a convicted melon.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/renedotmac
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2018
🚨︎ report
A duck walks into the pharmacy to purchase chapstick

And asks the cashier to put it on his bill

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ogbluebatman
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2017
🚨︎ report
Every single time my dad makes a purchase...

and it's between $15.00 - $19.99, he says, "That was a good year." Then proceeds to completely make up a fact about it.

"That'll be $18.84." "That was a good year. They invented steel wool that year."

The look on the workers face is priceless, and is always followed by, "Really?!" Then my dad laughs and says no.

πŸ‘︎ 343
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cardsfan1539
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2013
🚨︎ report
Little brother makes a purchase

I'm talking to my younger brother on the phone and he tells me that he used his Best Buy gift card. He debated on Beats headphones but decided on Bose. "You made a sound decision little bro".

πŸ‘︎ 168
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2014
🚨︎ report
Paul McCartney grew irritated that he couldn't purchase a call girl with impressionist paintings

He said, "I don't care too much for Monet. Monet can't buy me love."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Socrathustra
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2017
🚨︎ report
I made a purchase at a second-hand store that added up to $20.16

I complained to the lady that that was last year's price.

She laughed after a few moments of confusion. Was nice to see the smile on her face.

Happy Monday!

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2017
🚨︎ report
Forbidden to purchase food, Euclid's elementary algebraic solution.

Buy-no-meal theorem.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when the Big Lebowski does his research before making a purchase?

doing his dude-iligence

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eleece
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2017
🚨︎ report
A Target cashier commented on my purchase

I was buying Goat Simulator as a gag gift for a friend. The cashier looks at it and I smile uncomfortably. He says, "Don't be sheepish about buying this".

πŸ‘︎ 75
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πŸ‘€︎ u/a-username-for-me
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2014
🚨︎ report
Some joker lost his book logging all of his chocolate-covered English toffee bar purchases.

It was a Heath ledger.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scotch-o
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2017
🚨︎ report
State of Purchase.

Last week my girlfriend sent me a snap of some chocolate she bought with the caption "solid purchase!"

I immediately replied with a picture of some windex with the caption "liquid purchase!"

She was not impressed.

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Complexxx123
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2015
🚨︎ report
Every time my dad purchases anything...

Clerk: that will be 24.99

Dad taking out his wallet: 24.99? I just wanted dinner, not stock in the company.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Educationalvideo
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2013
🚨︎ report
My daughter was very excited with her purchase of Frozen Underwear.

I had to ask "wont your butt be cold?"

6 year olds are awesome when they get frustrated at dadjokes

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 31 2014
🚨︎ report
I bought a photo calendar for my dad this Christmas and it's really not a safe purchase for a gift..

.. It can't be returned and only comes with a one year warranty.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/skaermtroldenhugo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2015
🚨︎ report
I was helping my dad purchase and install some Steam games...

Me: All right, you're done! Click the "Finish" button.
Dad: I'm not Finnish. I'm American.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zanis15
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2014
🚨︎ report
Why was the boat captain hesitant to purchase a new hat?

He was worried about capsizing.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danakinskyrocker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2014
🚨︎ report
On the way to purchase new countertops

Honey, I am sorry that I'm taking you for granite.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ej1oo1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2014
🚨︎ report
I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, β€œBy mistake?”

I shouted, β€œOh come on! Not you too!”

πŸ‘︎ 548
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoKyle15
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a new revolving chair. But then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

πŸ‘︎ 314
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them. He asked, β€œBy mistake?”

I said, β€œOh come on! Not you too!”

πŸ‘︎ 69
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then she sat on it.

Eventually she came around.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them. He asked, β€œBy mistake?”

I said, β€œOh come on! Not you too?!”

πŸ‘︎ 54
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2018
🚨︎ report

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