Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...
My 4 year oldest favourit joke, which he very proudly memorized and told all his teachers.
Two muffins are in an oven, one muffin looks at the other and says "is it just me, or is it hot in here?"
Then the other muffin says "AHH, TALKING MUFFIN!!!"
I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...
"It’s cutting hedge technology!"
As my son proudly handed me my new grandchild, I asked him if he knew the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling. Puzzled, my son replied, "No, what?" I explained...
"One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler!
A man was proudly showing his new apartment to some friends, he had invited over last night.
They go to the bedroom and there is a big brass gong in the corner.
One of the guests asks, "What is that gong for?"
The host replies, "That is the talking clock."
Impressed, the guest asks again, "How does it work?"
The host says, "Watch", and hits the gong hard with a hammer.
From the other side of the wall, someone screams, "For gods sake, you idiot, it's 2 am in the morning."
My 7 year old proudly said dad I double knotted my shoe.
I said, "You did not."
She glares at me, "Yes I did."
Me, "You did knot."
She grudgingly accepts reality and stomps away, head shaking.
I proudly exclaimed to my family, "As a wizard, I enjoy turning objects into glass!"
"I just wanted to make that clear!"
After 30 years of marriage, I can both proudly and firmly declare that I still wear the pants in my family...
My wife just tells me which ones to wear.
As we sat down for lunch, I proudly announced to my daughter, "Little known fact, the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France!" Unimpressed, she ignored me and kept eating. Not being one to give up, I continued...
"Nope, they were cooked in Greece!"
On my first date with my girlfriend, she proudly proclaimed that she wasn't born in the US, she's actually Scottish.
I told her "Oh, I love your tape."
Another cow joke, proudly brought to you by a six year old:
What do you call a cow that’s fallen asleep at a construction site?
A bulldozer.
We were cleaning out our closets today and my wife forgot the code to her luggage, but luckily, I managed to figure it out. I looked her and gloated proudly...
"Well, I guess you can say...I solved the case!!"
While having dinner last night, my daughter looked up at me and asked, "Daddy, you're the boss in our family, right?" Proudly, I replied, "Yes, my little princess, yes I am!"
She continued, "That's because mommy put you in charge, right?"
My 8 years old invented this one and I am proudly sharing it with you all
Dad, do you know what an olive is?
A sick grape.
I am proudly pansexual...
...and that’s why the management at Williams Sonoma sternly but politely asked me to leave and never return.
We were driving across state over the holidays and my 4 year old tells us she has to pee. We just happened to be almost to an exit with several gas stations to take her. I proudly proclaimed ‘Urine luck! There are plenty of places to go at this exit!’ Sadly, I only got an eye roll from my wife.
Dadjoked my dad, overheard him proudly repeating this one to family members...
Someone knocked the dial in the fridge and everything froze, dinner was ruined for the next couple of nights and a lot had to be thrown out, my dad pulled a lettuce out and handed me it, saying: "look at that, it's frozen"
to which my reply was "what do you expect, it's an iceberg"
Dad just proudly told me his brother has signed up to be an organ donor
Dad: He suggested that I registered too
Me: oh yeah, will you?
Dad: Maybe, he's a man after my own heart after all
As an expectant father, I proudly made my first Dad joke yesterday, while snowed in at the Denver airport
http://www.livememe.com/kv2y91d
As my son proudly handed me my new grandchild, I asked him if he knew the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling. Puzzled, my son replied, "No, what?" I explained...
"One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler!
I proudly showed my son, "Check this out! Bought a new shrub trimmer today!" He shrugged and replied, "That's great, dad." I continued...
"It’s cutting hedge technology!"
Ever since the pandemic started, every morning I proudly announce to my family that I’m going for a jog and then I don’t...
It’s my longest running joke of the year so far...
Because of the covid-19 lockdowns, every morning for the past year, I announce proudly to my family that I’m going for a jog… and then I don’t.
It’s my longest running joke of the year.
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