When I was young I was told I could be anyone I wanted. Turns out identity theft is a crime.
He picked out a Butterfinger from his bag, held it up, and said “Kit-Kats are good but these are butter.”
Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.
My pregnant wife is wearing a white shirt that has a pumpkin painted over her belly, for Halloween. We are having another little girl, and have set on the name Ellie.
My daughter comes home, and is greeted by my wife.
4yo: "I like your shirt mama!
Wife: "Aww thank you! Do you like my pumpkin belly?
4yo: "...I like your pumpkin Ellie!"
https://preview.redd.it/u3mj4w434h661.png?width=291&format=png&auto=webp&s=ce2d07bde9cdea18b369e70a17a728db8062b622
After eating dinner with my parents and grandma, I got a bag of Little Bites Fudge Brownies from the pantry. My grandma asks me if they were from the box. I hold them up and point to the package and say “no they’re from the bag”
My dad and I lost it and started crying. Pray that we find it soon.
It was impeckable
I told him it’s Naan of his business
Edit: he could have replied “papa dumb”
1
Because the chicken had the day off.
Neither my wife or I have any idea where she heard this. And she isn’t divulging her sources. Hilarious.
Edit: The first joke she’s told in general. And happened to be a dad joke. :-)
Talking to my 3 year old son the other day:
Me: Do you know your letters?
Son: Yes
Me: Can you say the alphabet?
Son: The alphabet
My wife and I were cracking up.
She was eating watermelon, and she wanted to know how much it cost. (She's obsessed with prices lately.) I asked her how much she thought it cost, and she said, "I don't know, a melon dollars?"
Because pepper would make them sneeze!
She's six. She's awesome.
EDIT: Woo highest rated post, thanks to my kid. Also, I never said she wrote it! She just told it to me. So there.
Son: What is cottage cheese? Me: Cheese you eat in a cottage. Wife: When curds and whey separate. Daughter: This is the way!
My oldest this morning as he brushed by me on the way to the bathroom:
“I have to take a pee”
Me:
“Why don’t you leave one instead?”
The look I got: “🤨”
She replied “the ball is round daddy” (with a straight face) So I tell her “no, what I mean is, get mad! I want you to hit the ball really hard like if you were mad at it!”
She grabs the ball, stares right at it and says “I’M REALLY DISAPPOINTED IN YOU, BALL!” Then throws it right back at me.
Proud dad moment.
Son: Dad...we need a net.
Me: Why?
Son: To catch our flight.
Otherwise you will turn into an Iron man
They should be in the arrrrmy
Relevant image on the post in which I made the joke:
https://imgur.com/gallery/6RjUUBx
Woof ones
5 year old daughters joke, so proud :)
She seemed really, really scared. When I told her I couldn’t smell smoke, she showed me this picture: https://imgur.com/gallery/RbplooY, giggling like crazy.
Chip off the old block she is!
Edit: thank you so much for my first ever award!!!
My 7 year-year-old son knows me too well. When he's hungry, he becomes grumpy. The other day he said: "Papa, I'm hungry!! And please don't say 'hi hungry, I'm papa' ". I almost had tears of joy in my eyes
Plane chips!
“On the buzzzzz.” So proud.
We're celebrating my daughter's 4th birthday party today. She puts her giant number 4 balloon on her head, turns to me and says "Look daddy, it's a four-head!"
My 6 year old son just told his sister "You butter move out of the way" while helping his mother in the kitchen. He was so proud of his joke he ran across the house to tell me.
Took her to the park today as it’s a stunningly beautiful day here in NZ.
She was on the swings and I went on the swing next to hers to show how to swing her legs properly....
I said “weeee” as I swung higher and higher as she was laughing.
Miss 4 said “Daddy, you should have gone before we left”...
So proud!!
So my kids are clearing the dishes after dinner, it’s their job every day. My daughter was scraping all the scraps in the bin, which contained some food. Son: “Jeze Lauren you need to be more considerate, every 60 seconds in Africa a minute passes”.... Ded 💀
Her: What is this little USB thing? Is this a juul charger?
Me: No, I think it’s an adapter for the Steam controller.
Her: Well, a juul is kind of like a steam controller.
She’s going to the infantry.
Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.
Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.
Now he can’t even look at himself in the mirror.
