So far I've got 12 fridges
They say it's gone anti-viral.
Glad he ate her
Top marks: A+.
He said 'no son of mine is going to be assisi!'
Or should I say...
Happy vernal equine knocks!
Happy Spring /r/puns.
Me: How many birds does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Girlfriend: ... How many?
Me: Toucan do it.
Girlfriend: You fucker.
They just put their house up for sale.
Friend: "They have put the sign up"
Dad: "Oh right, has anyone stopped and looked"
Friend: "Yes a few people"
Dad: "Well that's a good sign then"
My family spent an afternoon at Fisherman's Wharf. My daughter and I were taking pictures of the sea lions. Several of them started making noise. So I said to my daughter,"The sea lions saw you. They're saying Dork, Dork, Dork".
I'm new in the shop i work in and a customer comes in and asks "where are the real staff?" and i replied "working on the train tracks".
Thought that was a great reply!
Was making lunch for my kids yesterday and they all wanted "stripey" chocolate spread - I dunno, it's mixed with something else in stripes, I don't eat the stuff.
Unfortunately for them, all I could find was plain old Nutella. "Well", I said, "it's better than nutting!"
Wife: I made a little wookie steak tonight. Me: How was it? Wife: A little chewy.
Wife: something about being hungry enough to eat her hand.
Me: So, you want finger foods?
As we're leaving the department store I point to the mannequins, "Psh, working stiffs"
She cracks up. Made me smile.
My dad asked me if why I hadn't taken my jacket off yet. I told him I was warming up to the idea.
The presenter was talking about this trade program, and how if Congress doesn't renew it, we're going to see a huge increase in the price of pants. He said the effect of this is really regressive, since the people it affects the most are the ones who can least afford it.
I decided to chime in, "Yeah, really hits them below the belt."
Actually got a halfway decent laugh.
A few days ago, my bf and I went on a trip down south and he got badly sunburnt.
I saw him today and said, "Oh wow... your neck..."
"What about my neck?"
"It's really a-peeling!"
While making chicken for dinner... Girlfriend: Look, our chicken is bakin'! Me: Our chicken isn't bacon, it's chicken. Girlfriend: I'm going to go eat out on the deck...
