I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, β€œBy mistake?”

I shouted, β€œOh come on! Not you too!”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
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What did the logger say to the talking tree, pleading to not be chopped down?

You will dialogue!!!!

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ‘€︎ u/superfuzzypotato
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2020
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Why did the snake plead guilty?

He didn't have a leg to stand on.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ‘€︎ u/Laez
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
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My son was rejected from Indiana University. Feeling persistent, he asked me if he should call one of the advisors and plead for admission.

I told him beggars can’t be Hoosiers.

πŸ‘︎ 282
πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
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The Pilgrim's Pride CEO plead "not guilty" today in a poultry price-fixing case

What a chicken.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ‘€︎ u/badenglishihave
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2020
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I still don't understand why I got in trouble in high school for turning in my Biology lab notebook with a turd in it.

The teacher told us specifically to keep a log in our notebook!

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ‘€︎ u/teduh
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
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Convict: I plead not guilty Judge: What is your defense

Convict: Well if u r what you eat, I'm an innocent man.

(Credit to my man Bryce)

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tricky_Nick007
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2019
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Exasperated, I showed him the picture and pleaded, "Doctor, all of my boys want to be valets when they grow up!"

He acknowledged grimly, "Indeed, that's the worst case of parking son's disease that I have ever seen."

πŸ‘︎ 68
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2018
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A Mexican train conductor recently plead insanity.

He said he had a loco motive.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ‘€︎ u/stage_directions
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2018
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Can someone help me with a joke?

I think I have something here, just need a little help with the ending. This is what I have so far.

In the interrogation room, Joe Ga pleaded with police to let him go. He explained the man they are really after is Joe Ka, who has been systematically committing crimes and calling out his own name in the process knowing how similar they sound.

"This is all just a setup, the real Joe Ka is..."

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2020
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A gangster recently plead guilty for beating a cow to death in a rice field using two porcelain figures.

Authorities say it’s the first first time they’ve ever dealt with a knick knack patty wack.

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ‘€︎ u/Adamkm92
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2018
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My son pleaded with me to stop singing 4 Non Blondes.

I said, "Hey, what's going on?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/booleanBoosh
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2018
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Last night at dinner, we were eating sushi, so I asked my wife, "What do you call refusing to incriminate your salmon?"

She swung and missed (getting to "Pleading the fifth" before eventually ending up at "Salmon the fifth?").

Then my 5-year-old daughter asked, "What was the first word you said?" and when told it was "Pleading," she said, "It would be 'Pleading the FISH'!"

I've never been so proud of her.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ‘€︎ u/JoshSamBob
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2020
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My girlfriend came with me to plead a parking ticket

We had a court date.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dinodomos
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2016
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I saw a Korean martial artist holding out a basket of donuts, but when I asked if I could take two, he said no...

I pleaded, β€œCan I at least Taekwondo?”

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2020
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I heard a story once about a train driver.

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/homelesspancake
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
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Dad, how much money do you make?

A man came home from work late again, tired and irritated, to find his 5 year old son waiting for him at the door.

β€œDaddy, may I ask you a question ?”

β€œYeah, sure, what is it ?” replied the man.

β€œDaddy, how much money do you make an hour?”

β€œThat’s none of your business! What makes you ask such a thing?” the man said angrily.

β€œI just want to know.Β  Please tell me, how much do you make an hour?” pleaded the little boy.

β€œIf you must know, I make $20.00 an hour.”

β€œOh,” the little boy replied, head bowed.

Looking up, he said, β€œDaddy, may I borrow $9.00 please?”

The father was furious. β€œIf the only reason you wanted to know how much money I make is just so you can borrow some to buy a silly toy or some other nonsense, then you march yourself straight to your room and go to bed.Β Β  Think about why you’re being so selfish.Β  I work long, hard hours every day and don’t have time for such childish games.”

The little boy quietly went to his room and shut the door.

The man sat down and started to get even madder about the little boy’s questioning.Β  How dare he ask such questions only to get some money.

After an hour or so, the man had calmed down, and started to think he may have been a little hard on his son.Β  May be there was something he really needed to buy with that $9.00 and he really didn’t ask for money very often.

The man went to the door of the little boy’s room and opened the door.Β  β€œAre you asleep son?” he asked.

β€œNo daddy, I’m awake,” replied the boy.

β€œI’ve been thinking, maybe I was too hard on you earlier,” said the man.Β  β€œIt’s been long day and I took my aggravation out on you. Here’s that $9.00 you asked for.”

The little boy sat straight up, beaming.

β€œOh, thank you daddy!” he yelled.

Then, reaching under his pillow, he pulled out some more crumpled up bills.Β  The man, seeing that the boy already had money, started to get angry again.

The little boy slowly counted out his money, then looked up at the man.

β€œWhy did you want more money if you already had some?” the father grumbled.

β€œBecause I didn’t have enough, but now I do,” the little boy replied.

β€œDaddy, I have $20.00 now.Β  Can I buy an hour of your time?”

The father looked upon his son with a smile as he walked towards the door and said "Overtime is double pay."

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ‘€︎ u/cleverley1986
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2017
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Dad at the airport

Dad's turn in the check-in line comes up and walks up to the counter, hands in his armpits, elbows out, bobbing his head forward and back as he walk, which was abrupt yet fluid.

He gets to the counter, "brock! bock bock bock"

The lady at the counter says: "Excuse me?"

"Brock! brock bock bock bock" says my father

Worried she says "Can I help you check in?"

My father stares at her, bobbing his head forward and back. The lady looks confused, worried, looks at the rest of the line with eyes pleading for help.

My father then stands up straight, "Oh, I'm sorry, I thought this was this chicken counter" and proceeds to produce his proper papers

πŸ‘︎ 46
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fauwks
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2014
🚨︎ report
No entry

Man walks up to a club, security stops him saying β€œsorry mate, can’t come in without a tie on”. Man pleads but gets the same answer.

He goes to his car across the road and looks in the trunk, he can only find a set of jump cables so puts them round his neck.

He approaches the club again, the bouncer says β€œalright, you can come in....but don’t you start anything”

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ‘€︎ u/TackySour
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2018
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My daughter and I were having a pretend tea party, but she threw me out because I kept pretending to be a Transformer...

I pleaded with her to stay by saying, "No, wait! I can change!"

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2017
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I turned an English paper into one giant pun.

A Call to Arms A Plead to the Limbless

The Armless are a stump among society and could easily achieve more. It’s bothersome that somebody with great potential could allow themselves to lose grip of what they aspire for. The radius of support and development that surrounds these people is astounding. Yet they bite the hand that feeds and throw away opportunities. With each passing day they are crippled by the errors in their ways. Not only are they not properly handling the situation, they are doing a disservice to society. Most will say to refrain from pointing fingers, but it is pertinent that we show them their faults.
All aside we should most certainly not try to elbow my way into their lives. However, if they were to branch off into their own progressive groups it would be most beneficial. And severance is a good thing between them and the public. This doesn't mean a complete amputation of them from society. Perhaps selective assistance will help these people find a well fitted sleeve within their communities. This process is difficult and lending a helping hand can make the difference. On the other hand, we have those who don’t try to succeed. Their negligence is worthy of more than a mere slap on the wrist. When somebody refuses to apply themselves, they are holding back progress. By giving themselves mental limitation they are creating a prosthetic disability they must abide by. The majority of working to achieve goals is believing you can reach out and grab them. But, somebody who gives up is cutting themselves short of success Seeing somebody give up is the furthest thing from being humerus. Urging these people is a necessity, otherwise they will never try their hardest, encourage them to use some elbow grease and put forth full effort. Any small contribution is better than being a detriment, community service, obtaining greater education, enlisting in the armed forces, these all benefit society. Drastic changes of this scale are sure to cause discontent, grab a tissue if need be, but never give up. For all those that are currently wasting away without contribution, it's time to limb’er up and take charge.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chewy_64
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2015
🚨︎ report
The Sound of Monks

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave.Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."The man sa,ys, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door."The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond.Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door!With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the kno

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/nemofish3
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
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Did you hear about the sniper that went to court?

He plead not ghillie.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/MagicCooki3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2018
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My dadjoked the hell of me.

A rope is at a bar late at night. He's just getting drunk enough to be annoying, so the bartender asks him to leave. The rope begs and pleads and he eventually, recognizing that it futile, gets up and leaves the bar. He goes around the corner and cuts off the end of himself and he then tatters the end. He returns to the bar and the bartender vaguely recognizing him, says, "Weren't you in here a little while ago?”

The rope denies it immediately, and responds with an assertive β€œNo.”

The bartender about 75% sure he was in the bar earlier, says β€œYeah aren't you the rope?"

The rope says "A frayed knot."

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ‘€︎ u/Dudeitsjustme
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2015
🚨︎ report
SO and I got my sister multiple times

We're out of state visiting my family. My sister (13) was being Moody and argumentative all day. By the time we got to dinner she was just glued to her phone. So, I took her phone, and say it in front of my SO. she pleaded several times to get her phone back, and I kept saying no. So, she started asking my SO.

Me: M | SO: SO | Sister: S

S: Can I just see my phone?

M: Picks up and shows it to her What colour is it?

S: ugh.. White. Duh.

M:, Good. Good. Then you can see it.

S:, Drawn out sigh

*S's phone buzzes

S: What does it say?

M: Samsung.

D: will you [SO] turn it and read it to me?

SO: rotates phone 90Β° Still says Samsung.

S: whhhhyyyyy???

Phone buzzes again

S: flip it over, and read it to me

SO: grins flips twice Samsung.

S: Are you on her side?!

SO: of the table

S: Uuuuuuggggggghhhhhhhhhh

Edit: Format

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ‘€︎ u/xlusciniolax
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2016
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I told my son people keep accidentally pleading for me to purchase meat for them. He asked, β€œBy mistake?”

I shouted, β€œOh come on! Not you too!”

πŸ‘︎ 549
πŸ‘€︎ u/CryptoKyle15
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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How did the cannibal plead guilty?

"Well, if you are what you eat, then I'm an innocent man!"

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ‘€︎ u/redditsmeeh
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
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Judge: How do you plead?

Me: I didn't do it, in a sense...

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ‘€︎ u/bsjay
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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