Amtrak employees are more like to be struck by lightning than any other profession.

Because they are good conductors

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Badjokechip
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2021
🚨︎ report
The other day I asked my dad why he chose window cleaning as a profession

He told me it was the only job he could see himself doing

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YayGettel
πŸ“…︎ Mar 31 2021
🚨︎ report
Working in a mirror factory is a profession

I can see myself doing.

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cpt_pickle
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
What profession do dogs specialize in?

Roofing

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Man_busch
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
More and more people are taking up horse breading as a profession

Apparently it's a very stable career choice.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/moejike
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Apparently being a hitman is a great profession...

I hear they make a killing

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TaterRae94
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
True story: My girlfriend just asked me if I knew any good jokes about physicists (my profession). I said yes, but they were all about physicists' dating lives.

So they're pretty much all one-liners.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/HunterSwan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
Wade Wilson changed profession and got a new nickname:

He is now the taxidriver known as Carpool.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/midy-dk
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
My late Dad was a seismologist by profession but sadly..

..He could never pin down a steady job.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HugoZHackenbush2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My asian friend is pretty popular among his profession of being a chef.

He's a wokstar

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/U4gotmycheese
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A door to door salesman knocked on my door and before I could say anything he said, "A person's regular occupation, profession, or trade..."

Just from the first sentence, I knew he meant business.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Prototype273
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Unfortunate events

There was this guy, mid to late twenties, black hair, just average next door type of guy. Mind you, he's not a dad yet. He's a honest worker who worked his way up in his job and makes a decent living for a man of his age. When he was a kid he was not extremely sharp and people would make fun of his stupidity. But he didn't care about that. He gave all he could and went abroad to get the best education from the best university of his time. He graduated top of the class. The he came back to his home town, got a job and fell in love with a beautiful young girl. They were about to get married but unfortunately for some reason god went "hmmm he's doing good for someone his age, better have small chat with him" and took him and he dropped dead just days before his wedding day. The bride who was about to get married to that man was absolutely devasted. She was so in love but unfortunately that didn't end well. She shut herself off from the world and cried every night. Lucky, for her the man left all he earned to be passed on to her if he happened to pass away before her. Then after a year of grieving the girl pulled herself out of her sadness and seclusion and bought a nice house for herself and settled there. But she never got married or made love The on one nice evening the women decided to go to the nearest pub and get some social interaction. She saw this young lad drinking booze all by himself and noticed he kinda looked sad. The lady decided to talk to that guy because she knew how miserable sadness can be. So she initiated a convo with that young lad. The lad took notice of the effort and kind heart of the lady and decided to share his life story, how he grew up in farm house and how he loved farming and all. He was rather peculiar about tractors and such farm equipments, spoke like someone describing about their love of their life. The lady noticed his love for his profession and inquired more. He went on to talk about tractors and all and how he dreamt of riding one when he was a kid and everything. He proceeded to tell how a few years ago a terrible accident made him hate the very tractors he loved as a kid. For someone who inquired more, the lady got tired of hearing about farm equipments and decided to call her day off and told the guy she's going to head back to her house. It was late night about half past 10 and so the lad offered to walk her home. The lady and the lad started to walk down the sub urbs, where the houses were distant and people occup

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/uberdumb
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Spider lists its profession on social media

Web Designer

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kill_Them_Back
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Cross profession
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πŸ‘€︎ u/faix_pass
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2019
🚨︎ report
If dogs could have a profession, what would they be?

Roof-ers!

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AxXB1ZXxB
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are Pirates in the best profession?

They just arrrr!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheRealMustardCat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
My brother was arrested for stealing a car. I told him he should change professions.

He took it badly.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve been considering changing professions to become a hitman recently.

I hear they make a killing.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrumSpace
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2019
🚨︎ report
What is the most notorious profession?

That of a notary

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fantasneeze
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Studies have shown that, out of all professions, doctors are the calmest.

They rarely lose their patients.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/comforttrap
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report
As a mail processor, my father was very innovative in his profession.

He really pushed the envelope.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hibdob
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are restaurant servers the luckiest profession?

Because good things come to those who wait.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mahare
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Why was Axel Rose having financial problems in his first Profession as a Doctor?

He needed some more Patients.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pbredd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 13 2018
🚨︎ report
What profession has the best muscle memory?

Marine Biologists!!

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoursweetlord70
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2017
🚨︎ report
What is the perfect profession for narcissists?

Architect. Because they'll forever be making entrances and drawing stairs.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ottodidakt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2017
🚨︎ report
Being a musician is a sound profession.
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/8Fractals
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2014
🚨︎ report
What is a profession involving spine realignment in Egypt?

A Cairo-practor

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2016
🚨︎ report
What profession will make you twice the man you currently are?

A Maleman...

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WB55Florida
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2016
🚨︎ report
So today was my barber's last day at the barbershop...

He said it was time to switch careers. But no matter what profession he chose or what career path he took.... he just couldn't cut it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Amart1985
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
An armed robber bursts into a store one day.

Pointing his firearm at two cashiers, he shouts β€œhand over the contents of the cash register! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession...you know, a habitual occupation followed for a livelihood and involving commercial transactions!”

Cashier 1: β€œWhat do we do?”

Cashier 2: β€œDo what he says, I think he means business!”

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Titsonafish
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A Buddhist monk leave the monastery...

Dissatisfied with the style of life that he found there, The Monk decides to move into a suburban neighborhood and start up his own line of work. Being trained in the peaceful ways he gets on very well with his neighbours who eventually notice that he has a very strange profession. Despite being very strong and very philosophical The Monk elects to repeatedly visit places with broken fences and remove and replace them.

One day has neighbour approaches him and asks, "with the physical strength and mental capacity that you seem to have, are you not interested in a more physically or mentally challenging job?"

To which The Monk replies, "but everybody knows reposting gives you the most karma."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondChocobos
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad said my friend shouldn't become a funeral director

It's a dying profession

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bread-Crunchy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Be nice to your hot water heater repairman please,

It’s often a tankless profession.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WagonsNeedLoveToo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I hired a prostitute yesterday.

Her interview went well and I don't judge people based on their previous professions.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
Say you call a man from Tooting, a Tooter.

The term for farting often is to "toot", and his profession is a tutor.

So, if this man from Tooting is farting at work... you can say that a Tooter is tooting in Tooting whilst tutoring.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/faisaltreshah
πŸ“…︎ Oct 06 2018
🚨︎ report
I should clean mirrors for a living.

It's a profession I can see myself in.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2018
🚨︎ report
The adventures of Max Dad, P.I.

The sun shone into my office through the lowered blinds all clumsy like, fumbling through the gaps between the venetian slats like a drunk fishing for loose change in his pockets; trying to see if he has money enough for one last drink or maybe the bus ride home.

The dame looked me up and down, clearly disappointed by what sat in front of her. I didn’t blame her. Three days of salt and pepper stubble clung to my my crude boxer’s jaw and the bags under my eyes were so big half the bums downtown could sleep in there and not even know anyone else was with 'em. That was ok. This broad wasn’t hiring me for my looks and I wasn’t looking to her for approval. We both knew what brought her in here, it was the name on the door.

Max Dad P.I. - that’s me. Private Investigator’s sure not the profession my mother would have picked out for me, but it keeps me in whisky and it keeps a roof over my head and that’ll do for now. The dame parted those cherry red lips of hers as she took another pull on that just-lit cigarette and nervously stubbed it out in the ashtray. My eyebrows knit together slightly. I hate seeing things go to waste.

β€œSo as I was saying, Mr Dad,” she began.

β€œPlease, call me Max”

β€œAlright, Max… well, as I was saying, my bag is missing. Stolen, I think. I urgently need it back. Shall I describe it to you?”

β€œNo that’s alright miss. You got nothing to worry about,” I replied, sliding a bottle out of the desk drawer and pouring a big slug of scotch into to my morning coffee, β€œI’m sure it’ll be a brief case.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/johnnyohnny
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2016
🚨︎ report
My fiancΓ©e and I were watching the olympics together this morning

" Did you know that Chiropractor is the most prevalent profession in Ukraine?"

"Hmm, I had no idea"

"Yeah, it's 'cause when you live there you crane your neck a lot"

eye roll

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kangaroo_Quart
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2016
🚨︎ report
Overheard this while picking up lunch today...

Bought some pizza slices and while I was filling up my drink from the soda fountain, there was a family of four talking about, of all things, medical professions. The daughter at the table said she thought a proctologist was basically a pervert since they'd be focused on butts all day every day.

The mom explained that you wouldn't call a heart surgeon who uses tools to literally crack open a person's chest cavity and muck around with things a serial killer, so why would you call a doctor who specializes in proctology a pervert?

The dad then chimed in "No that's not right... a serial killer is someone who uses Captain Crunch to murder another person!"

Silence at the table, and the daughter groaned rather loudly. I happened to make eye contact with the dad and just smirked and nodded, which made him beam, and walked out the door to hear him say "Right? Right guys?"

Well done, sir.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/redditaccount314
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2015
🚨︎ report
Thought of this while Skyrimming

Man, that's such a selfish profession.

Boyfriend: What is?

Mining.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/internettiquette
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2015
🚨︎ report
The other day I asked my Dad why he took up window cleaning as a profession

He told me it was the only job he could see himself doing.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2020
🚨︎ report

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