I was sitting in a bar when a man walked in and proceeded to throw some milk, yoghurt and cheese at me

How dairy

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Echo-24
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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There’s a new virus out called the Peekaboo virus!

They recommend if you catch it to proceed straight to the ICU.

πŸ‘︎ 219
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bananachewww
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2021
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Today at dinner, my little brother asked me who a skeleton’s favorite celebrity is. I asked who, then he proceeded to Skeletor laugh and say....

.... Pelvis Presley

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedBeard308
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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I'm a very spontaneous person

*proceeds to burst into flames*

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HJMW08
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2021
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I built a business where all proceeds went to Charity.

But I ended up in jail because apparently not telling them my daughter’s name is Charity was a big no no.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jlionbad
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
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"Sir, we can't find the tool for making holes and, consequently, can't proceed. What should we do?"

"It's useless. Give up. Awl is lost."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pj566
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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My dad burst into my room and said, β€œWanna hear a joke?”, and then proceeded to fart for a whole minute.

He said. β€œSorry. That was a long winded story.”

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2019
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Some guys are talking about wether they prefer to use urinals or toilets to do their business, then one of the friends say "I sit down when I pee"

Another friend proceeds to curse and weep at the first friend yelling "I though you were a stand-up guy!"

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scarfbit
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun and one brought some cough drops

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/billbixbyakahulk
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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(On The Spot Joke) My Partner was in bed cracking her back and asked.....

β€œHey can you hear my back crack”

I replied β€œyea can you hear my ass crack” then proceeded with the filthiest fart known to man

Absolute crack up. Hahahahahah even she laughed

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaccyBuegs
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2021
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A man is walking down the street

when he notices a hot, busty woman on the sidewalk. He approaches her and says, "I'll give you a thousand dollars if you let me bite your nipples." Naturally the woman was reluctant, but concluding that she really needed the money, she agreed. So they go into an alley, she lifts up her shirt and unhooks her bra. He proceeds to bury his face in her breasts, moving and shaking his head. After a full minute of this, she says, "Well? Aren't you going to bite them?" He walks away, saying, "Nah... that's too expensive."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ir9199
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
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Just witnessed a septic cleaning truck use the left lane for a right turn, using no signal, and then proceeded to drive 10 miles under the speed limit...

Turns out he was a shit driver..

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bluecaddy5000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2019
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When my son was born the assistant dropped him so I proceeded to make some real lifestyle changes

It was a real midwife crisis

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChessGreatest
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2019
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My dad made the dadliest of jokes.

We were watching die hard 4 and we got to the bit where the evil hacker guy shoots most of the people he was working with. I was a bit confused so I said,” hang on, weren’t they working for him?” My dad then proceeded to say,”not any more. They just got fired.” It was such a bad joke but definitely a great dad joke.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nessmainsarescum
πŸ“…︎ Jul 18 2020
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Bee strong
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MilPens
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
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How to Castrate a Bull, in Limerick Form

I've two bulls who just love to fight //
they simply cannot be polite //
Just one needs to breed //
and so I'll proceed //
to castrate the weak one tonight

The procedure is safe, I insist //
if we make the blood flow desist //
to make bleeding halt //
do the "ball somersault" //
and give that whole sack a huge twist

To do this requires no skill //
I'll just need a quite large power-drill //
and a specialized clamp //
to hold on to that champ //
then turn it on fast- what a thrill!

It is clear this device should appeal //
to those who need bulls with less zeal //
I shall name this device //
with a drill and a vise //
the most perfect of names: "Steering Wheel!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chordus
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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Yesterday my neighbor asked to borrow my copy of the movie β€œIt”. I proceeded to beat him up. My wife asked me why the hell I would beat him up.

I told her he was asking for It.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cubic-Zirconia
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
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Patrick Roy, perhaps the best goaltender of all time, was having a family reunion.

Being a wealthy celebrity, he'd volunteered to hold the proceedings at his home. The spread was excellent and Pat's father drew him aside as things were winding down.

"I have a feeling your team is going to do great this year!"

"Why's that Dad?"

"I feel like God can't help but root for a man who's a father, a son and a goalie-host."

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DrobeOfWar
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A jewish pastor becomes a missionary...

...and ends up on the Island of Trid. The people there are starving and explain to the pastor that it’s because whenever they try to harvest the fruit at the top of the mountain, the nasty giant comes out of his cave and boots them all back down the hill. This infuriates the pastor who then declares that tomorrow he will join them on their next attempt. The next day they all march up the mountain together, and sure enough, out comes the giant who proceeds to kick all of the locals back down the hill leaving only the new guy to gather fruit at his leisure. Finally, he stops and asks the giant, β€œWell, aren’t you going to knock me off the mountain?”. Shaking his head, the giant says, β€œSilly rabbi, kicks are for Trids”.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/5YearApril
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
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An old couple sitting next to my boyfriend and I at Hibachi asked the chef when he'd begin to cook the food. He replied, "When I get around to it." The couple proceeded to hand him this.
πŸ‘︎ 192
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πŸ‘€︎ u/midwesterntown
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2013
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Just my Dad coming out with Dad things...

So my brother is telling us about his girlfriends family, saying her dad is fussy with food and he doesn't eat a lot, probably because he smokes.

Dad "Does he eat his cigs?"

Then proceeds to laugh at his own joke saying that was a beauty that was.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HarryPopperSC
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
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How many hands am I holding up?

If you ever accidentally smack your kid in the face and they say ow my eyes is blurry, or if they bump their face etc

Say β€œah buddy u ok? Can u see? How many hands am I holding up?

Then proceed to hold up one hand with four fingers.

The kid will most often say 4. Then you make the dad face.

β€œ4 hands!?!? Yah we might have a problem!”

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MuskIsAlien
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
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A Frog Walks into a Bank

A frog walks into a bank and approaches the teller, whose name plate says Patricia Whack.
"Miss Whack, I'd like to get a $50,000 loan to take a vacation."
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
"KermitΒ Jagger. My father is Mick Jagger. It will be fine to authorize the loan, I know your manager."
Patty explains that he will need to secure the loan with some collateral.
"Sure, how about this," said Kermit as he produces a tiny porcelain elephant, about an inch tall, bright pink and perfectly formed. Very confused, Patty explains that she'll have to consult with the bank manager and disappears into a back office.
Patty walks into the manager's office and proceeds to tell her, "There's a frog called Kermit Jagger out there who claims to know you and wants to borrow $50,000, and he wants to use this as collateral." Patty holds up the tiny pink elephant. "I mean, what in the world is this?"
The bank manager looks back at her and says..."It's a knickknack, Patty Whack. Give the frog a loan. His old man's a Rolling Stone."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/josephlied
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Not specifically a joke but....

Today my wife was making oatmeal cookies, and was getting rolled oats out of the cupboard. I adamantly told her to STOP and she can't use them yet. Grabbing them, I proceeded to walk across the kitchen, and roll them across the floor. "There. NOW you have rolled oats," I say. Only to receive a facepalm and to be told to get out of the kitchen...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/medaele
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
If you make dad jokes, what language do you speak?

Pun-Jabi

proceeds to the nearest exit

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/itsthatbrownguy91
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2020
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I wake up in the morning, then proceed to lay down on the couch

Dad: At least you didn't go to the refrigerator to get a hotdog. Then you would have gone from bed to wurst.

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChAnKoEr
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2014
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My friends dad called a toll free number and he proceeded to do the most dadjoke thing ever...

"an answering machine just told my dad "you want to speak to a representative, correct? please say yes or no." and with a totally straight face he goes 'yes or no' "

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DANNYBOYLOVER
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad's version of a well known nursery rhyme. He used to recite this all the time when I was a kid and then proceed to laugh hysterically for several minutes.

Hickory Dickory Dock

Three mice ran up the clock,

The clock struck one,

And the other two got away with minor injuries.

ISN'T THAT HILARIOUS

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BardLover108
πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2013
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Proceed with caution: joking about wife's butt.

Wife: (commenting on the state of her posterior, obviously a delicate topic) "It wouldn't be attractive if I had a 100% muscular butt: it's a good thing I make a little layer of fat to smooth it out and make me look feminine."

Me: "Well, you never do anything half-assed."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vesvvi
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2014
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A guy in the pub dropped this on me, I've proceeded to get many a groan out of it.

Don't you find that lollipop men make you cross?

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/LoweJ
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2013
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A lady walks up to a man, who happens to be holding a giant stick. She proceeds to ask him, "Are you a pole vaulter?"

He replies, "No, I'm German. How did you know my name?"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2014
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*stares with confusing concern*

Her: what?

Me: ... What IS that?!

Her: what's what?

Me: there's someone on the side of your face...

Her: "what? Oh god, where" proceeds to try to wipe face

Me: right there! .. oh, it's just your ear!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
Since impeachment is an entirely political process...

Will public opinion sufficiently Schifft through these proceedings??

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phluper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I always knock before opening the fridge

In case there's a salad dressing

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/superboii_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 12 2019
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My husband just dropped a bag of burgers on the floor

Then proceeded to say "well, if it wasn't ground beef before, it is now."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AdiTheFox
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Europe = You’re up

I was listening to music with my dad recently and we were taking turns playing songs. I played the song β€œtime has come” by the band Europe, from the hot rod soundtrack (Hilarious movie btw). I pointed to my phone and said β€œEurope!”. My dad yelled β€œI’m up? Alright!” And started looking for the next song to play. I was like β€œNo! EUROPE” and he was like β€œI KNOW, IM UP” and proceeded to play the next song. Afterward he said he was just fucking with me. A true dad moment. Thought you guys might appreciate.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2020
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how to get a girl

I was at the grocery store and saw a cute girl, so i dropped a lime on the ground and fumbled around with it for a minute and said "sorry im terrible at pickup limes"

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timmyjaymes
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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Hi. My name is DAK.

Hi. My name is DAK. A piece of string walks into a bar. The bartender says β€œsorry sir we don’t serve string here”. He then proceeds to tie him into a knot and throw in outside. Whilst outside, a pack of feral canines attack the piece of string until his fibers are loosened in a disheveled manner. The piece of string them proceeds to re enter the bar in need of medical assistance. β€œHey, aren’t you the string I just threw out?” Asks the bartender. β€œNo sir,” replies the string, β€œI’m a frayed knot”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/USMPShauserC
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Driving on the highway. Wife: Hey, you just missed a right.

Me: Thanks babe. You just Mrs. Right.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Aug 01 2018
🚨︎ report
So me and my girlfriend are out shopping for clothes...

Her: "My friend Van would love this shirt!"
Me: "I didn't know vehicles needed attire."
She gives me the 'are you serious' look.
Me: "Oh wait, they need at least four."
She proceeds to walk away.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WTFrank
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2017
🚨︎ report
I was watching Zootopia on netflix with my girlfriend over the weekend...

I'm watching it with her, and halfway through the movie something clicks in my head.

Me: "Holy shit I just got it,this is a bunny cop movie"

GF: ......

ME:" instead of a buddy cop movie"

And then she proceeded to beat me

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2016
🚨︎ report
An American spy is in Soviet Russia, digging up information on a powerful Russian politician. He finds him in a bar, walks in dressed in Russian attire, pretending to be Russian. Everybody in the bar looks at him, but he keeps his cool. He orders a drink and walks to the politician...

"Greetings, comrade." says the spy, but before he could finish his sentence, the Russian says, "I think you are American spy."

The spy is alarmed, but being a skilled, trained, spy, he says, "That is not true! I am the proudest Soviet there is! I can sing the anthem more beautifully than any other man in the country!"

He then proceeds to sing the Soviet anthem, so melodically and beautifully, that everybody in the bar cheers.

"Very good, very good!" says the politician. "But I still think you are spy."

The man continues to keep his cool.

"I am a historian! I can tell you everything about this glorious country!"

He then spends about two hours recounting the Revolution, the Great Patriotic War, about how superior to the Russia is in terms of technology compared to America and makes a great argument about how communism is beneficial to society.

"Amazing! You are skilled!" says the politician.

The spy smirks.

"But I still think you American spy."

The spy is getting frustrated, but still unfazed.

He replies, "I am good drinker, a true Russian! Let us drink, and see who can come out top!"

The bar turns its attention to the politician and the spy, who are now in a drinking contest.

The bartender serves drink after drink of vodka.

After about an hour of drinking, the politician nearly passes out, unable to hold as much liquor as the spy, to a resounding cheer amongst the bar.

In the midst of the cheering, the Russian politician gets up, smiling, and in a slurred speech, repeats, "You are good, you are good... but I still think you are spy."

The American spy, piss drunk, loses his skill and gives up.

"Okay, you got me. I am an American. But what made you think that way, after all this time?"

The Russian politician replies, "There aren't many black people in Russia."

πŸ‘︎ 87
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
How many kidneys ya got?

Told this one to my daughter a while back.

She said 2. I said "Nope, you have 4"

Then proceeded to poke her in each side "one kidney, two kidney" and pointed at her knees. "3 kid knee, four kid knee"

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/breakone9r
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently went to a joke bar with a couple of friends...

Persons volunteer to tell jokes and whoever laughs has to pay $5. Since my friends and I were all lovers of quality humor, we accepted this challenge.

The guy proceeds to tell his joke and I've never laughed so hard in my life, my friends had tears in their eyes as well, from this clever witty joke.

We all proceed to grab our cash and pay him to which he replied:

"Don't worry about it guys, the joke's on me"

I gave him my wallet.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zaynesky
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report

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