You’ve heard of elf on a shelf but are you prepared for ?
Little know fact - Jesus was fully prepared to be crucified.
Prepare to be swept away.
A man is preparing to cut down a tree in the forest.
The tree says, "Wait! I'm a talking tree!"
The man replies, "You're going to dialogue."
I've just lost my job at the hospital, shaving patients in preparation for spinal surgery...
Because of all the cut backs.
How do composers prepare vegetables?
I don’t know what way I should prepare my eggs for breakfast this morning.
I am having an eggsistential crisis, here.
I definitely feel like we didn't prepare enough for all of last year's terrible events.
But then, hindsight is always 2020.
How does Michael jackson prepare his eggs?
If I am ever in a sinking ship, I think I will be prepared.
If I am ever in a sinking ship, I think I will be prepared.
Because I have a list.
I'm preparing to teach my son the alphabet.
Man last year was pretty bad, but at least I’m prepared for this year.
Because in this case hindsight is actually 2020
I’ve just been charged for using sandpaper to kill my victim.
I only wanted to rough him up a bit.
How do figure skaters prepare for competitions
A sales guy tried to sell me on a new preparation to wash my hair with, which supposedly contains the excrements of some very special rainforest animal or whatever.
The missus has been missing for a week now. The police have told me to prepare for the worst...
So I have been back to the charity shop to get all her clothes back!
Son : "Hi Dad. I'm hungry", I am prepared for what he has to say.
Dad : let's order some food.
How do astronauts prepare for a birthday party
I took my son camping the other day. As we prepared I hid in his luggage and when he came over I jumped out and screamed
Why was the snowman embarrassed when people saw him buying a bag of carrots?
He got caught picking his nose!
What did the city man think to the farmer preparing fertilize?
Trump and Pence were preparing to leave the Whitehouse for a big rally. When the helicopter arrived, Trump wasn't ready yet, so Pence asked: "Do you want me to wait for you Mr. President?" ...
"No Mike, you fly on ahead and I'll catch up later".
If you walk into a forest and cut down a tree, but the tree doesn't understand why you cut it down.
Do you think it's stumped?
My father always taught me to be prepared for any emergency. I was on the ball when the streets flooded...
I had no idea what the word "edit" meant, so I checked in a dictionary
Edit: prepare (written material) for publication by correcting, condensing, or otherwise modifying it.
Germany Prepares for COVID-19
What's it called when a Tibetan monk wants to kill a colleague, but needs spiritual preparation first?
What do you call someone who is prepared to be a father?
Readily A(p)parent
Edit: for clarity.
I walked into the kitchen to help my wife prepare dinner and exclaimed, "That’s a nice ham you’ve got there honey! It’d really be a shame if someone..."
"...put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end!"
Three men were onboard a ship playing dice on deck when the oldest man angrily jumped off the front of the boat. The younger man said..
You keeled my father. Prepare two die.
*I sent this to my brother and he replies: Was his name Inyougo?
^(What a freaking professional)
A Spanish magician prepares the audience for his final trick...
He yells "UNO!"
The crowd falls silent in anticipation.
"DOS!"
Everyone's eyes are wide, laser focused on the preformer.
Then, the magician vanishes... without a tres.
In Germany this weekend they have been preparing for the crisis by stocking up on sausages and cheese.
It's the Wurst Käse scenario.
My favorite toilet paper was discontinued. Nobody prepared me for how much of a pain in the ass it is to find a new favorite.
How does Moses prepare his tea?
Three fruits decided to have a dragrace match. The Lemon prepared by practcing driving skills, the orange by studying the appropriate tecniques, the grape by relaxing in the sun. Who won?
The grape. He was the only one who went raisin.
Tomorrow is International Mud Day, and I had this marvellous exchange with my 4 year old today, Sunday: "Better prepare your gumboots, tomorrow is Mud Day!" I exclaimed. My child, without missing a beat, replied:
"No it's not, it's MUNday!"
The apprentice has now become the master.
After years of training as a chef, the only job I got was preparing oysters at a small restaurant.
I have to say it really shucks.
Actual conversation at my house while preparing burgers
Me: “Boys, do you want Gouda cheese on your burgers?”
Husband: “Hurry up and answer your mom. Do you want Gouda cheese or bad cheese on your burger?”
My dadjoke for the day
My wife (japanese) was preparing her breakfast which for her usually includes numerous small dishes and rice. Well she announced to me.
"I'm not eating rice today."
I immediately replied "Honey, you cant say that."
"That's Rice-ist"
Cue eyeroll
What is a witches favorite gum?
We definitely should've done more to prepare for the pandemic.
I guess that's hindsight in 2020
Did you hear about the psychic who was captured by cannibals? They had to very carefully prepare to eat him for the tribal feast.
Because very rarely is a medium well done.
A baker was preparing the dough for a loaf of his famous bread, while his son watched.
He slid the loaf into the oven to bake. He told his son, “This bread is for a very special occasion, so I’m going to make a back-up.” He then plopped an extra loaf’s worth of dough onto the table, sliced it into two equal pieces, and immediately put them away. The boy asked, “Dad, why’d you do that?” The baker smiled and told his son, “It’s better to halve it and not knead it.”
A guy has a rough day and stops at Dick’s Place...
...he tells the owner and bartender that he’s a surgeon down at the hospital and he just wants to forget about everything for awhile.
Dick knows just the thing. He quickly whips up a thick, exotic beverage and places it in front of the worn out doctor. He takes one sip and his eyes light up. “What IS that?” “That’s my signature almond daiquiri”, Dick tells him. The surgeon tells him it’s delicious, pays his bill and comes back the next day and the next day at the same time for the same thing: An almond daiquiri.
Before long, like clockwork, Dick is able to have it ready for him just before he comes in. But, one day as he is preparing the drink, he realizes that he’s run out of almonds! With no time to lose, he quickly substitutes the almonds with hickory nuts and sets the beverage on the bar.
The surgeon pops in, takes a big gulp, and immediately spits it all over the bar. He looks at the bartender and says, “That’s not an almond daiquiri, Dick!” And Dick says, “No, it’s a hickory daiquiri, Doc!”.
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