My wife insisted on pouring flour into the melted butter.

I told her she would roux the day.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/PhantomBanker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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My kid’s chemistry teacher was arrested in class yesterday. He was pouring out teaspoons of sodium chloride for each student, but because the class was rowdy, he kept losing his place and having to start over.

The police charged him with multiple counts of a salt.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WCBrann
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
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My wife and I were woken up at 3am by loud banging on our door. I got up, opened the door and there was a drunken stranger standing in the pouring rain, asking for a push. "Are you insane man?!!? It's 3 in the morning!!" I screamed, slamming the door and stormed back to bed...

"Who was that?" asked my wife.

"Just some drunk asking for a push." I grumbled.

"Did you help him?" she asked.

"No, I did NOT! It's 3am and it's pouring rain!"

"Well, you've a short memory." she said. "Don't you remember three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? You should be ashamed of yourself! Now get out there and help him!"

She had a point, and angrily, I got dressed and went out into the darkness, calling out, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes."

"Do you still need a push?"

"Yes please."

"Where are you?"

"Over here...on the swing."

πŸ‘︎ 65
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
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My favorite part of the morning is the sound of pouring coffee into my metal thermos

It’s the little tings in life, ya know?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cold_Shogun
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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I was pouring morning coffee from our bodem and my wife noticed I poured mine first and asked why

I told her this way, she won’t have any grounds for divorce.

Now give me my 7 upvotes

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sprintbooks
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
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I seen my father pouring chicken soup over his compost yesterday

I suppose chicken soup IS good for the soil

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/akjohnston87
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
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Almost got arrested for pouring myself a coffee this morning.

It was mugged.

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πŸ“…︎ May 24 2020
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My son decided to eat dinner outside despite the pouring rain...

His appetite was whet.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2020
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I saw a guy pouring soy sauce on another guy laying on the ground, so I punched him

It's not right to Kikkoman when he's down

πŸ‘︎ 106
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ahw610
πŸ“…︎ Aug 09 2019
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I didn’t know what to think walking into the kitchen last night to find my wife draped in lasagna and pouring piping hot soup over her head. β€œI’m just putting the dinner on”, she quipped. How we laughed on the way to the burns unit.
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spazpekker
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2019
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We were walking in the pouring rain.

"Would you put the umbrella above our son?" asked my wife.

"It's close," I replied. "But I think I prefer our son."

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 11 2019
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Why does pouring salt in a wound hurt?

Because it hurts sodium much.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OnePunchFan8
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2018
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I think my laundry detergent didn't appreciate me pouring it in the washer.

I don't know why, but it just seems agitated.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MelkorHimself
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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I told my kid off for pouring too much milk into his Weet Bix.

"If your Weet Bix begin to float, then you'll have a whole raft of problems!"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ign1fy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2018
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Me while pouring a glass of wine: "Do you know why it's coming out so slowly?"

Wife: ? Me: "There's a bottle neck."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/yossyrian
πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2017
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A man walks out of a pub and starts pouring his drink out on the street

His friend, confused, asks "What are you doing??"
He replies "That's one for the road"

(actual joke told by my dad)

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flying_wotsit
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2017
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A rare child free night, a fancy restaurant. Waiter tells us the wine he's pouring has "strong tannins." I turn to my wife and tell her if the wine turns orange it's definitely a knock off...

... because of the fake tannin.

I grin, she groans and drinks more wine.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chibolamoo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2017
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A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes." comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here, on the swing."

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2018
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