I was positive she would get it...
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stravocados
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
I finally found a genie in a bottle! So I asked if it would be possible to change French positives to Spanish...

He replied, "oui shall sΓ­."

πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2021
🚨︎ report
It would be shocking if this isn't a repost but I could not resist
πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ToastyZ71
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the most positive thing about Switzerland?

I don't know, but their flag is a big plus.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wessdude79
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09 2021
🚨︎ report
Recently moved to a new place and position for my job. Boss on the first day said "Hey Paul glad you made it, how you liking your new office?"

I said "I think you forgot my name, but I'm a Justin Well, thanks."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AintNoSundanceKid
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2021
🚨︎ report
What is something that is only considered positive during this pandemic?

Being negative and smelling like alcohol.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DonDrizzle
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.

It's half empty.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2021
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I once dated a phlebotomist whom, when she tried to draw my blood, said "Be positive."

It was then I realized, she wasn't my type.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Venomenace
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I tested positive for my corvid-19 test

It really ruffled my feathers

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/arithmetic
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Sons.....
πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kimbermall
πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my wife that I must always be positive. She asked β€œWhy must you?”

β€œIt’s in my blood.” I replied.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VitalMaTThews
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2021
🚨︎ report
What sex position makes the ugliest babies?

Ask your mom.

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/streety22
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
The cast from Pulp Fiction tested positive with Covid after going camping together:

Tent in Quarantino

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OiTheRolk
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I started a petition to swap the position of "a" and "n" in the alphabet.

No one took me seriously when I said jk lmao

πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Recently, the Kansas City Chiefs acted quickly and had to pull their team barber out mid-cut because they learned he tested positive for COVID.

Guess you could say that it was a close shave

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zomgz0mbie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
Mate was feeling down so I told him there's a positive and negative to everything, you just gotta find it...

Poor fella can't even put batteries in right....

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BaccyBuegs
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2021
🚨︎ report
An actual joke from my 8 year old - Why can’t you trust atoms?

They make up everything.

I was proud.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaybird1905
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you know Pecans are one of the most positive type of nuts out there...

Else, they’d be called Pecants

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ash_bel
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
What is a highlighter's favorite Twister position?

Knee on yellow.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cheelay_
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My boss is threatening to fire the employee with the worst posture.

I have a hunch it might be me.

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
What do positively charged particles have in common with professional sumo wrestling teams?

They're both protons.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fecalfettucine
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
🚨︎ report
What makes boaters such positive people?

Their can-oe attitude.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hollywoodhank
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
U have been tested positive for breathtaking
πŸ‘︎ 127
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2020
🚨︎ report
If Father Christmas played soccer, what position would he play ?

Santa forward.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Australian tennis star Bernard Tomic's sister, Ana, agreeing with her friend Ally about the positions of body parts

Ana Tomic: Ally, correct

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I met a transformer who only had positive thoughts.

He said his name was optimist prime

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Artisticspawm
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2020
🚨︎ report
This support group will help you recharge
πŸ‘︎ 84
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πŸ‘€︎ u/habsfan1112
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
I am positive that there is something wrong with Quasimodo's back

Or it could be just a hunch

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I've been working on not mansplaining and instead saying something positive. How has been going?

It's swell, actually...

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/allanon101
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Trump tested positive for COVID-19

The news went viral.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I hate negative numbers in math.

I’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

πŸ‘︎ 44
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chairlegnumber4
πŸ“…︎ Feb 24 2021
🚨︎ report
Stay Positive

Son is working on math. Currently working on negative numbers, which is below his level (pun intended).

Wife says, "He is really bored. If you can think of anything to say to help that would be great.

Me to son, β€œHey buddy, I know you are working on negative numbers and that is boring. Try to stay positive.”

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report
What religious positions are open for women?

Nun

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nonservia
πŸ“…︎ Aug 17 2020
🚨︎ report
If Karen had a job, what would her position be?

Head of the chain of demand.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Anonymous8776
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I got my wife 4 pregnancy tests and they all came back positive

She’s now worried about how we are going to raise 4 kids.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Now is definitely not the right time to start surrounding yourself with positive people.
πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/_simplepotato_
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
🚨︎ report
From my 10-year-old: "Daddy, what has it's bottom at the top?"

"I don't know, bud, what?"

"Your legs."

Well done, kid.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Papagayo_blanco
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
🚨︎ report
I used to be the triangle player in a Jamaican band but I had to quit....

It was always just one ting after another.

Edit: Thanks for all the positive reactions to this joke. I’m glad I could make a few of you chuckle today.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThroneDiscs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
So I tested positive for covid antibodies.

My dad wanted to know about my uncle-bodies.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Registered_Murse
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Need donors for my phone's blood transfusion.

Looking for a type-o.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/iMakeCrap
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type

As he died, he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.

πŸ‘︎ 20k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2020
🚨︎ report
/r/BlackFathers will now be a positive and supportive community for Black and POC fathers

https://i.imgur.com/GlXV2kE.gifv

Reddit admins have recently granted ownership of /r/BlackFathers to myself and a group of other Black/POC mods, and it is our intention to make this a positive and supportive community. This is a place where Black/POC fathers and their family, friends, and colleagues can find helpful resources, welcoming content, and a safe space to learn from each other and share our experience.

Content of all types are welcome so long as the subject/focus of the content is supportive of Black/POC fathers. We look forward to seeing you there.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BigJ76
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.

So I had to ground him. He’s doing better currently, and now conducting himself properly.

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Instead of medicine, my hippie girlfriend cured her hemorrhoid using only the "power of positive suggestion."

"I shit you knot."

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PotBuzz
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2020
🚨︎ report
What would you call a man from GdaΕ„sk?

A North Pole.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife left her position as a Geologist to pursue her dream as a tennis coach...

...She went from studying faults to double-faults.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report

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