Laser pointer
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JIM45954
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2019
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Did you hear how the mathematician cured his constipation?

He worked it out with a number two pencil.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ May 30
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Why did the cat cross the road?

Because the chicken had a laser pointer.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/millenialmami
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02
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Wholesome story with a moral, featuring the C programming language reddit.com/r/ProgrammerDa…
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πŸ‘€︎ u/citewiki
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2019
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Why did the C++ programmer do so well at his new job as a packaging and design engineer?

Because he was very good at orienting objects.

(Okay this is a really technical dad joke, but isn't that what they're supposed to be?)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jarvedttudd
πŸ“…︎ Dec 29 2018
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A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains "Excuse me, Father, I don't mean to trouble you, but I'm very interested in joining the clergy."

"I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."

The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.

"That is truly a noble calling." he says. "Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to priesthood."

"That sounds like a very involved process." the donut confesses. "I'm not sure I have the time."

"If you don't mind me asking…" replies the priest. "What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you're not willing to make a commitment to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?"

"Well…" the donut answers. "See, it's because I'm holey."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
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Abbott and Costello talk about Lou's new dog

(From Abbott and Costello’sΒ radio show, December 30, 1943)
Lou Costello: Oh, Abbott, the worst thing just happened to me!
Bud Abbott: No!
Lou Costello: Yeah, Mrs. Niles gave me a dog for a Christmas present, and the dog just took a great big bite out of me!
Bud Abbott: Where did he bite you?
Lou Costello: Well, if I’d have been wearing a license plate, he’d have gotten the last three numbers.
Bud Abbott: Where did this happen?
Lou Costello: Well, let me see, where did this happen β€” in a crowded streetcar. It was the first time I ever gave my seat to a dog.
Bud Abbott: Well, never mind that. What kind of a dog did Mrs. Niles give you?
Lou Costello: Do you remember that famous dog, Strongheart?
Bud Abbott: Yes, I remember Strongheart.
Lou Costello: Well, this is his brother β€” Weak Stomach.
Bud Abbott: Listen,

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfraymond
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football program

Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily. Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.

One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.

As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SaintMeerkat
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
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A joke I made just before a test in math

I turned to a friend next to me: "Will you tell me the answers if I don't know something?"

"No."

"I was counting on you. Now I have to use my hands."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ICameHereToRead
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2015
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How did Mountain Lions get to Iowa?

Some kid was shining a laser pointer out the window on a flight from Denver to Des Moines.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pcanelos
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
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How do people lose their kids in a mall?

Seriously, I need some pointers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
My basketball coach loves dogs.

Apparently he has three-pointers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DerrpSter
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
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How do programmers end their headaches

Tylo.NullPointerException

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bastian_5123
πŸ“…︎ Apr 02 2019
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A man sees a stranger grudgingly walking a dog.

The man asks, β€œWhat kind of dog is that, a setter or a pointer?” He replies, β€œNeither. He’s an upsetter and a disappointer.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasj041
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2018
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I told my dad that I was taking a C programming course.

He offered to give me some pointers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ADKarthus
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2014
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Computer Science dad joke

I was scrolling through the computer science tag of Tumblr and someone posted "I'm having some trouble with Visual Basic, can someone give me some pointers?"

To which I immediately responded, "If you're having trouble with Visual Basic, there's no way you're going to be able to understand pointers."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bwgsu
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2014
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Works every time...

Casually grabs my shirt sleeve and gives it a feel with his thumb and pointer finger and asks:

Dad: Hey, is this felt? Me: No! Dad: Well It is now!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/--Blue42--
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2015
🚨︎ report
Thanksgiving Dad Joke

This happened last night between my Father and my Sister. They were talking about Thanksgiving dinner and my sister wanted some pointers on how to cook her turkey next week.

Sis: After you take the turkey out of the oven how long do you let it rest?

Dad: I'm not really sure it depends on how tired it is.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cannonboom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2015
🚨︎ report
Watching the basketball game with my dad.

Me: Do you think Irving will score a three pointer in the last couple minutes?

Dad: I don't know, that's quite a long shot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/psitech12
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2014
🚨︎ report
A Catholic High School had a legendary American football team. Every year, the team was in the state championship game, and usually won it handily…

Every able lad within a few hundred miles wanted to play football for Central Catholic Fighting Knights.

Those who were familiar with the program, knew that the true heart and soul of the Knights football program was Sister Mary Margaret, an aged nun who would, in full habit, get out on the practice field and work on routes with the receivers, give pointers to the quarterbacks on their stances and releases, but most of all, love them like the second mother that she became to all of the boys in that program.

One year, on the eve of the state championship game, some evil malefactors broke into the convent and kidnapped Sister Mary Margaret. Everyone was stunned by the news, but none more so than the Knights of Central Catholic. They were devastated at the loss of their mentor.

As you might guess, the state championship game didn't go very well. For the first time in the history of the football program, the Knights were shut out. The Spartans beat them 42-0.

The next day, the headline

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2019
🚨︎ report

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