What starts with an E and ends with an E, but often only has one letter?
Why don't cows wear flip flops?
My wife convinced me to have reversed roles during sex last time...
That was a pain in the ass.
“What day is today, Adam?”
“For the last time, it’s Christmas, Eve.”
Edit: Thanks for so much love. Merry Xmas!
Why couldn't 8 get back up?
When it fell, it was forever
When doing my son salutation, I call this variation on child's pose, "Downward Dad"
imgur.com/hOpdbkb
Chicken pox parties are for kids. Adults go to a shingles bar.
Two dyslexics walk into a bra
True story: We we’re driving in the car today when my five year old found an umbrella and opened it...
My wife yelled at him to close it immediately, as it wasn’t safe in a moving vehicle. I told her it wasn’t a big deal since both of our vehicles have umbrella insurance.
The kids didn’t get it but it elicited a nice groan from the wife, so I’m pretty sure it counts.
A horse walks into a bar...
The bartender said “Hey”, then the horse “you read my mind buddy.”
Did you hear about the scientist who was lab partners with a pot of boiling water?
He had a very esteemed colleague.
I’m really upset! Someone stole my limbo stick!
I mean how low can you go!?
My wife is mad at the fact that I don't have a sense of direction...
So I packed my stuff and right.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
Some people think the cost of wigs is too high
Personally, I think it’s a fair price toupee.
My mate set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a nappy...
Luckily he wasn't charged
How does Bigfoot stay in shape?
I thought dinner was at 7, not 6...
I guess that was my missedsteak
What do you call a 3 legged horse?
England doesn't have a kidney bank but it has a Liverpool
I breezed through my algebra, trigonometry and geometry classes.
But calculus is where I reached my limit.
How come shrimp on Broadway don't share?
Some Dadjoke advice for all the lonely hearts out there
Here's what you should do:
Step 1: Buy a sheep
Step 2: name it "Relation"
And now... *drumroll* ... you have a relationsheep
What is the leading cause of dry skin?
I bought some Velcro at the store today...
You know what the secret is for making fish jerky?
Feed em’ some coffee! -Fraiser
Why was Dr. Pavlov's hair so soft?
Because he conditioned it.
What did Darth Vader say when his car broke down?
Missed Halloween costume opportunity
Did you hear about the popcorn that got kicked out of the military
My uncle needed a blood transplant and before he died he told us
Nothing. He died in his sleep.
What do you call an Irish dictator?
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
People who visit the Sistine Chapel are literally ceiling fans
What do you call a sleepwalking nun?
Why is the Ocean blue?
Because all the fish go "bloop, bloop, bloop."
A friend told me, ‘Well, I’ll give the president credit for one thing - I learned what “contemporaneous” means this morning’
I replied, “well, it’s about time”
What did mama corn say to baby corn?
Where's popcorn?
I know, it's a corny joke.
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