I can't believe someone would stoop so low!
“Wherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"
She says, in exasperation, “some arsehole’s got my pen.”
i became too afraid he might have gotten himself into the money laundering business.
They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.
Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.
As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.
They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.
Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?
They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".
They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.
But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.
The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.
And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!
Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?
"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"
In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and
... keep reading on reddit ➡He said, “Who cares how many pockets you have?”
But so far no change
It could be a lifesaver.
They're called portablebellos.
He calls them “in vest mints”.
Totes bra.
Johnny - 'Someone else's trousers on Miss.'
A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a 'handy-woman' and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch," he said, "how much will you charge me?"
The blonde, after looking about, responded, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her that the paint and other materials that she might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should; she was standing on it. Do you think she's dumb?"
"No", replied the wife. "I guess I'm guilty of being influenced by all those 'dumb blonde' jokes."
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" the husband asked.
"Yes," the blonde replied, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50.00 and handed it to her.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "it's not a Porch, it's a Lexus."
- If Covid-19 doesn't take you out, can I?
- Is that hand sanitizer in your pocket are you happy to be within 6 ft of me?
- Can't spell virus without U and I.
- Do you need toilet paper cuz I can be your Prince Charmin.
- I saw you checking me out from across the bar, stay there.
- Hey Baby! Can I ship you a drink?
- Can't spell quarantine without U R A Q T.
credit: some facebook post i saw.
...then looked at me and said "I'm packing heat"
And now my wife is getting accused of laundering money
At least to a certain degree.
(first post here. thought of this while making a hot pocket)
Some asshole’s got my pen!
The dirtiest clean joke I know...
What's the difference between a pick pocket and a peeping tom?
A pick pocket snatches watches.
Credit to Redd Foxx
Because they don’t have any pockets
I might still have your lighter.
The guy says “Well if it’s anything like tennis elbow, it must be painful!!”
They’re meMentos.
I was on a roll!
Or are you just happy sashimi?
Teapot.
Saint Nickel-Less
I mean, who would stoop so low?
It's just part of my shtick
He pulls out a handheld plastic device and says “Sorry kiddo, I left my Stud Finder on.”
How could anyone stoop so low?
My sister said, oh no, it almost fell out! You butter watch it! ;D
I’m so proud of her, I’ve raised her well
I replied “It’s pastable”
Dad to Son: Yeah, you and Russell Wilson both
I can tell how many pockets I have without one.
It took its cue from the white ball.
I hear money laundering is serious business
Sorry. I only have cold pockets.
I replied, "Sorry son, I must have pocket-dialed you by mistake.."
Picture of my wife man says. I'm gonna keep drinking till she starts lookin good.
... doesn't mean you have some sixth cents.
"Look at you, smarty pants!"
Because he always liked to have a few Twix up his sleeve.
Cross posted to r/jokes
Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his penis after his girlfriend found the ring in his pants pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep. Which is worse? having your girlfriend find out you're married explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your p***s Or finding out your penis fits through your wedding ring
Yes it was a sinkhole de mayo.
Because of all the coffins!
The captain's quarters
At least I have gas money now.
Baby, is that a phone in your back pocket, that ass is calling me.
I guess you could say I was saving it for a rainy day
It's near and dear to my heart
Hank the Yankee yanked his hanky.
I told her "right, butt... Do they have a left one?"
Actually occurrence, figured you would enjoy.
Just dont put it your back pocket.
Investments
He said if you take one from the box and throw it away, it will become a cigaret lighter.
Maybe I should take the money out of my pockets next time.
He was craving a hot pocket.
Me: Baby you know you're a criminal now? Her: What? Why? Me: For money laundering...
Her: Go make sure the door is locked
Russel
Later tots.
Because he was self conscious and just wanted to feel a little lighter.
It was clothes-quarters combat.
My daughter found a glue stick in her coat pocket today that she mistakenly took from school. I asked her if sticky fingers were to blame.
Russel.
Me: "You know what bothers me? We (Canadians) can't sing the "Canada In Our Pockets" song anymore because we can't say the lines "-A penny and a nickle and a quarter and a dime." We don't have pennies anymore :(
Him: Hmm, I guess your right. That just doesn't make any cents.
I wouldn't want to get arrested for money laundering.
After a long day of work i came home and asked my wife what's for dinner. She didn't know either so i said, you know what? Lets go for a fancy dinner at the restaurant, we're gonna eat some snails.
She wasn't interested in going out and said, you know what why don't you go to the night shop and pick up some snails and some red wine. And so i did..
On my way back home from the night shop i come across some friends dragging me to the bar. I end up drinking beers until 5 in the morning and then finally decide to go home. Grabbing the keys in my pocket i manage to drop the snails i bought at the night shop.
Now, at my doorstep, i ring the bell. My wife opens up and asks me where i was for the last few hours. I look at the ground and say "hurry up you damn snails we're almost there".
Me: "I used to have a pocket knife"
Roommate: "Used to?"
Me: "Yeah. But then it fell out of my pocket and now it's just a knife."
Wife: Hey, I came up with an idea. Bed sheets that have one big pocket at the bottom to tuck your legs into so they never get cold. I'll call them... "Feeted" Sheets.
Me: wiping tear from eye Perfection.
... I am Daddy Fourbucks.
They just did Annie at school so the groaning was even louder.
He said, “Why? You don’t know how many pockets you have?”
“Some asshole has my pen.”
It could be a lifesaver
“But today...” he continued. “Wherever you go, there are cameras...”
"Some asshole has my pen"
Some asshole has their pen.
They were eggs and lint.
Or are you just happy sashimi
Sighs, and says "Crap, some asshole has my pen."
but then I thought, "who cares how many pockets I have?"
Me and my recliner go way back!
my grandfather started to say. You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs and a block of butter as well. But today... he continued. Wherever you go, there are security cameras everywhere
