*while my dad and I drive past a cemetery*
Dad: "Did you know that the people who live in this town aren't allowed to be buried in that cemetery?"
Me: "Oh, why?"
Dad: "Cuz they're still alive."
Funny how in the past everyone owned horses and only the rich owned cars, and now everyone has cars and only the rich have horses...
My how the stables have turned.
Edit: Wow guys, thanks for all the love!
I was walking past the river today and this guy asked me if his rod looked good. Then, he asked if I liked his net. When he continued on and asked if I was impressed by the amount of fish he had caught, I finally lost it and shouted...
"Hey buddy, quit fishing for compliments!"
For the past five years, I’ve said that i’m going to start jogging, but I never have
It’s starting to become a running joke at this point
I visited a monastery the other day and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips. I asked him "Are you the friar?"
He replied "No, I'm the chip monk..."
My neighbour has had 45 concussions in the past few weeks.
He lives just a stone throw away.
I just saw Jesus & a couple of His disciples drive past me in a new car
Looks like it was a Christler
When a clogged drain killed his family, a clog far past the u-bend & far beyond justice, he knew had to take matters into his own filthy hands. He had to become...
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar
And things got a little tense.
I was in the hotel lobby the other day when I heard 2 chess masters bragging about past wins.
They were chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
When driving past a cemetery:
“See that cemetery kids? That must be a really nice one.”
“Why do you say that Dad?”
“People are just dying to get in there”
Some guy on a tractor keeps driving past my house shouting, “THE END IS NIGH!!! THE END IS NIGH!!!”
It might be farmer Geddon.
A man & his wife were taking a winter stroll & admiring the trees that were glistening white with ice & snow. A stranger walked past them and said, “Beautiful hoar-frost!”
The man replied, “Why thank you kind sir, but my name’s not Frost.”
On reflection, there's a lot of stuff I'd like to have done differently this past year.
But hey, hindsight is 2020
As a woman who worked for the church this past year, guess how much sex I had?
Walked past a pallet of nacho cheese at Costco today. Looked my daughter in the eye and said, “Dylan, don’t touch”
They should have just named Cyberpunk 2077 “Paste”
Imagine a form of public transportation where there is no monetary fee but you relive past mistakes for as long as you are a passenger
I visited a monastery and as I walked past the kitchen I saw a man frying chips...
'Are you the friar? ' I asked him.
'No, I am the chip monk' he replied.
Edit : Holy crap ! More than 1K updoots for a silly joke ? Thanks guys ! I am not sure whether to be proud or ashamed of myself.
My 8-year old ran past me and I shouted to her: "Hey, you lost something!"
She stops and ask "What?"
- "Your speed!"
She glares at me and says: "Dad, you lost something!"
- "What?"
- "Your hair!"
Oof.
True story.
What did the German man say when asked if he could count past 8?
Why are all archeologists depressed?
Because their lives are in ruins
I’m trying to learn the alphabet but I can’t get past X
*Dad walking past a mirror in a department store
When I write down the alphabet I never get past the letter "I"
I guess that's where I draw the line.
Cheese walks past a mirror and sees itself
I just went past a shop selling wigs for only $10
They look awful but it's a small price toupee.
For the past few days, I wake up to see someone has dumped a bunch of LEGO blocks on my front porch.
I don’t know what to make of it.
In Past, I used to be so confused about everything
I can't stop taking money out of every cash machine I walk past...
Doctor has diagnosed I'm suffering from withdrawal symptoms.
The legalize cannabis party had a fair few stoners voting for it this past election, but not enough to gain power
That’s a lot of wasted votes
Driving past an antique store with my dad and he drops this gem...
“Why do aunts get all the glory? What about uncle-tiques?”
🙄🙄🙄😑😑😑
I spent the past few minutes throwing chickpeas at my cat's feet...
I used the beans to bean the beans.
I was in my flat & this tall lady walked past my window.
I knew she was tall....as I live on the 2nd floor.
I made a graph for my past relationships.
It has an ex-axis and a why-axis.
My boss said to me, “You are the worst train operator ever. How many trains have you derailed in the past year?”
I said, “I’m not sure. It’s so hard to keep track.”
I was walking past a shop, and there was a classic bomb in the window Beside it was a sign that read "$1, irreplaceable fuse"
I said to myself "That's an offer I can't refuse"
I've been searching in this map for the past hour...
And I can't seem to find country music.
It was raining this morning and my wife had to drive right past where I work, so I said 'Will you give me a lift?'
She said 'Have you lost weight? Nice shirt, by the way, and your hair looks fantastic.'
I thought I saw a German sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird.
I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
A legit conversation today with my 2 1/2 year old son as we do our daily stroll past a train station that for once, has no trains stationed...
Son: Daddy, where is Thomas?
Daddy: I don’t know, mate.
Son: He must be working from home today.
Is this his first dad joke?? Strange what they must be picking up from conversations. Got me good.
I haven’t been able find my pet turtle for the past few months
Turns out he’s just been sheltering in place.
Why was the can of tomato paste voted off the ship?
Which Country Music Singer's name do you say when you're moving furniture past someone?
The past, present, and future walked into a bar...
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar,
Things got a little tense.
The past, present and future walk into a room.
The future, the present and the past walked into a bar
Things got a little tense
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