A drunk wakes up in jail, "Why am I here officer?"
"For drinking." replies the cop.
"Great" says the man. "When do we start?"
Why did the police officer arrest a duck?
The duck was selling quack
Officer: how did the hacker escape?
Me: I dunno, he ransomware
I asked my police officer friend if he had made any progress with the investigation into who stole all their internet cables.
He said: No, we haven't even got any leads.
What did the police officer say when she caught a man peeing on the side of a building?
Urine big trouble mister!
Officer: The victims were dismembered and sacrificed on an altar of antlers
Detective: Dear god
Officer: Yes most likely
A man asks a police officer if it’s a crime to throw sodium chloride in someone’s eyes
Officer: “Yes, that’s assault!”
Man: “I know it’s a salt, but is it a crime?”
Just been offered as a job a Noise Pollution officer .
But, I had to turn it down.
What do you call a police officer who refuses to get out of bed?
If a police officer pulls a U-Haul truck over...
Officer: Sir, why are you carrying pillows?
Because I’m resisting a rest.
I answered the door today and a police officer said "I'm sorry, but it looks like your wife has been in a car accident."
I replied "yeah, but at least she has a nice personality."
What do you call a senior-ranked military officer who offers nuggets of factual wisdom?
What do you call a swat officers coat?
Officer : Sir, Ma’am, I’m afraid your child was responsible for burning the building.
The police officer made me pay up for my crime.
Why did the Army private's ghost possess an Officer?
He wanted to appear in Corporeal form!
Me: Officer, why are you crying while writing me a ticket?
Cop: It’s such a moving violation.
“Officer, how did the hackers get away?”
“No idea. They must have ransomware.”
What did the police officer tell his belly button?
An officer pulled me over for not stopping in a stop sign and asked why
I simply said "I don't speak sign language"
What do you say to a police officer when he gets on your boat?
Police put on your life vest!
(This is a joke I made up at the age of 6 while on a boat!)
A police officer stops a guy carrying a backpack on suspicion of terrorism.
The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack.
The guy obliges.
In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.
"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"
"But why?" the guy protests.
"You have been caught carrying weapons of math instruction!"
A police officer, notorious for bad spelling, is set to interrogate three theives, Tim, Bob, and Joe.
When asked who he thinks will give up the location stolen goods, he replys “Only Time will tell”
Which officers tell the corniest jokes?
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
A Police officer called Roxanne told me how to social distance,
She said "don't stand, don't stand so close to me"
Why did the police officer get suspended?
Police officer informs a wife that her husbund has been found drowned in a vat of beer.
The wife said "was it murder"?
The officer said "no madam it was suicide"
The wife said how" can you tell"?
The police said -
"On the cctv your husbund climbed out of the vat 5 times for a pee!"
A police officer arrested a bottle of water because it was wanted in three different states
As an immigration officer, I may not always agree with you...
..But I can see where you are coming from.
What did the officer say to comfort the foreigner he was arresting?
Don’t worry! These cuffs were designed for two-wrists.
I was pulled over by the police. The officer said "According to your license you should be wearing glasses when you drive"
I said no, it's okay I have Contacts
He said "I don't give a damn who you think you know"
A Police Officer pulls over a Miner at a Traffic Stop
Officer: "Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
Miner: "Mine."
What did the police officer arrest the cow for?
What is police officers' favorite type of room to find criminals?
A bit startled, I asked, "Officer, why are you crying while writing me my ticket?” He sighed...
"It’s a moving violation!"
Police Officer: “How high are you?”
Dad: “No officer, it’s ‘Hi, how are you?’”
“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”
Cop: it’s a .....moving violation.
"Officer, how did the hacker you were following, escape ?"
"Don't know he just ransomware"
“Officer, are you crying while writing me a ticket?”
Cop: Yes. It’s quite a moving violation.
“Officer, are you crying while you are writing me a ticket?”
Cop: It’s a...moving violation.
What did the officer say to his belly button?
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