Wife (we both live in the US): I have to make sure my work phone is on do not disturb mode before bed so I don’t get email notifications from co-workers in our office in Europe.
Me: Sure, because when they send email, they don’t care if you’re up.
Me: <receives phone notification> "Ooh, it's supposed to start raining in 2 minutes"
Wife: "It's sunny outside"
Me: <continuing> "...the rain will be light."
What do you call a notification reindeer?
Toasters were the first form of pop-up notifications.
I just got a notification telling me that I needed to update my phone.
So I told it that I recently lost my job and I'm seeing this new woman.
When your JawBone tracker gives you too many notifications...
...tell your phone to shut "Up".
Dad Joke in the family Christmas gift exchange notification email
> Here is the list of who buys for whom in the gift exchange.
>
> The rules are: Spend $50, no gift cards. (If you think $50 is too much then make it two $25 gifts.)
>
> PS: If you want to spend more on me I would understand.
My friend told me he was Jewish.
I was like, “No way!” And he was like, “Yahweh.”
What does DNA stand for?
National dyslexic association
Dad (having an heart attack): Son call me an ambulance...
Son actually calls an ambulance.
Dad dies of disappointment.
If you're American when you go in the restroom and you're American when you come out. What are you when you're in the rest room?
A wife asks her husband,
"Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and, if they have avocados, get six."
A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.
"Why did you buy six cartons of milk?" the wife asks.
He replies, "They had avocados!"
I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 and the clock struck midnight...
My phone was showing "Battery low". So I placed it on top of the cupboard.
It worked. Can't see the notification any more.
What kind of insect is hard to understand?
A Mumble-bee.
I work in the Garden Center at a DIY store and this joke is the best I can come up with ATM lol.
I had a dream that I was a muffler
My wife is furious at our next door neighbour who sunbathers topless in her backyard.
Personally, I'm on the fence.
My wife told me that I twist everything she says to my advantage.
I take that as a compliment.
What do you call an illegally parked frog?
When does a joke become a dad joke?
When it becomes apparent.
Why shouldn’t you ever fight a dinosaur?
Because you’ll get Jurass kicked..
What do Spanish people call musical chairs?
Did you hear about the lumberjack who got fired for cutting too many trees ?
An accountant was under review at his firm
He was asked the value of a dozen dozens, to which he promptly replied "132", instead of 144.
He was fired for gross misrepresentation.
Probably one of the deepest books you will ever read
20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
A man stumbles upon a lamp and a genie pops out and offers him 3 wishes.
Man: “For my first wish I'd like to be rich."
Genie: “Alright Rich, what's your second wish".
How do you tell dad jokes?
Personally I like to do it at dinner time so he spits out his food.
What do you call the border of Finland ?
What do you call Elvis sitting on a chair?
When you don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out...
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
When I was in pirate school...
I hated getting my report cards because I always got seven seas.
What do you call a turtle missing one leg?
What did one dog say to the other?
If you want to be wise with your money, don't buy any belts
Because it will just go to waist.
My boyfriend asked me why i never blinked during foreplay.
I said I didn't have time .
I fired my tailor the other day
He told me, "Fine! Suit yourself!"
My girlfriend complained about her period.
I told her she was ovary-acting.
My dad's answer to everything was alcohol...
He wasn't a big drinker, he was just really bad at crossword puzzles.
Hey, have you ever done archery blindfolded?
You really should. You don't know what you're missing...
I guarantee you there is nobody in the world smarter than me.
Or my name isn't Hugh Briss.
Toasters,
were the first form of pop-up notifications
I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59PM and the clock struck midnight
I thought, “same shit, different day”.
Toasters
Were the first form of pop up notifications
Dad jokes
Toasters
were the first form of pop-up notifications
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