You guys ever notice how there's no vampires in Africa?

Well, from what I know about Vampires, Holy Water can kill them, and from what I've heard they bless the rains down in Africa.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rob_Omega21
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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My wife's eyes are so much more noticeable these days.

It must be the mask era.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/dmdeemer
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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You notice how you don’t ever see rich owls?

They all work for an owly wage

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πŸ‘€︎ u/melanthius
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don't notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.

Please don’t resort to violins and anger if you don’t notice.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/koukasen_np
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2020
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I gave the dog a bath today and the wife noticed how soft she was and asked β€œDid you condition her?”

So I said β€œyeah, I rang a bell and then fed her”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/billwashere
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2021
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I noticed my shirt had a couple of holes in it when I was getting dressed this morning.

I thought that was pretty cool, 'cuz it gave me somewhere to put my arms.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/toforama
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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Physicists are playing hide and seek in the afterlife. It's Einstein turn to seek. He counts to 100, turns around and notices Newton in a 1m*1m square. Hah, Newton, I found you!

See Einstein, the problem here is that you discovered Pascal!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zsozso01
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2021
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When I was in charge of editing an action movie, I noticed an unnecessary scene that was only slowing down the plot.

So I decided to just cut to the chase.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/megaWatson
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2021
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Notice me

Sin Ο€

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πŸ‘€︎ u/chihiro_yoru
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
A farmer noticed some cows smoking weed and playing cards

The steaks were getting pretty high

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πŸ‘€︎ u/yoru
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2021
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Have you ever noticed....

That there are a lot of towns named after their water towers?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/berryville_con
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
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True story: My family and I were walking at an apple orchard today when my 6-year-old noticed a discarded apple and asked "Why is there an apple under a pine tree?"

I responded without missing a beat, "That, my son, is a pine apple."

Shoutout to the mom passing by who witnessed and appreciated this gem.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Etereve
πŸ“…︎ Sep 28 2020
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The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record...

The head veterinarian at a zoo noticed something alarming in a patient’s record. A monkey that had been a healthy weight at its last checkup was now recorded as being only half that.

Fearing for the monkey’s health, he went and saw it, expecting it to be sickly and skeletal. However, the monkey seemed totally normal. Confused told his staff to weigh the monkey again.

They did, but the number they reported was still astonishingly low. Sure it was a mistake, he went to weigh the monkey for himself. But when he put the monkey on the scale, it showed a number that was still far too low, and couldn’t possibly be right.

After a moment he spotted the problem: behind the scale was a grab bar on the wall, and the monkey had stealthily grabbed it with its tail, and was supporting some of its weight off the scale that way.

So the monkey's weight was fine, they just weren't paying attention to de tail.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Swanbrother
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10 2021
🚨︎ report
On the eve of a record breaking cold winter night, a wife notices her husband run to the backyard with a bucket in his hand.

She grabs a cup of hot cocoa and watches through the window as he fills the bucket up with water and races from the back of the house all the way out to the front yard and out of sight. She bundles up and goes outside to get a closer look and sees that he’s cleared the snow from the sidewalk. She watches as he takes his bucket of water and pours it out on the cold concrete. She’s puzzled for a second and then says:

Icy, what you did there.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotMetheThree
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
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It really doesnt rhyme.
πŸ‘︎ 1k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Glowstick2019
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2021
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Our cooking teacher gave us a notice about the part of our upcoming exam where we'd be working with cheese wheels...

"It'll be grated on a curve."

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πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
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I’ve noticed I can tell when the ocean is smoking pot lately.

I’ve noticed I can tell when the ocean is smoking pot lately. How can I tell? When I see that the Tide is High.

Don’t know if this counts as a dad joke.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Papa_G_
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you notice that people started taking the looters & rioters seriously once New York was hit?

Probably because everyone knows where the Big Apple is, but not where the Minneapolis.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Went to the pet store and ordered a dozen bees. I noticed that the clerk gave me 13...

so I asked if that was a free bee. He replied, "No, that's called a baker's dozen. If you spent less time reading reposts on Reddit, you would know that."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jpep0469
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2020
🚨︎ report
If you notice cows sleeping in a field...

Does it mean it’s pasture bedtime?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlabamaMayan
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2020
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Anyone else notice

the Supreme Court has been more Ruthless than normal?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wilmadiqfit2266
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
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Two monsters were at a party having a good time when one of them noticed a lady monster rolled her eyes at them. The monster asked his monster friend "what should I do?"

The other other monster replied "be a gentleman, roll them back to her."

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πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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Have you ever noticed

That when geese fly South for the winter in a V formation one side of the V is always longer than the other. You know why ?

.

There are more geese in that line

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πŸ‘€︎ u/jump-blues-5678
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
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I stood, rubbing a piece of plywood that was leaning against the wall, waiting for someone to notice.

β€œWhat are you doing, dad?”

I sigh a long, heavy sigh.

β€œNot much, just feeling board.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.

Nice touch.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tombsing
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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I noticed the other day that my fence was leaning something fierce

It’s okay now all it needed was a repost

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scoopa-chalupa
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2020
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Have you ever noticed

that Ireland is one sea away from Iceland?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/DeanStillYeets
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2020
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Saw 3 Mexicans in my backyard the other day.

They were tres passing.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rhshi14
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2021
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Ever notice how there aren’t many people named Lance these days?

Back in medieval times people used to be named Lancelot.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/robotwoine
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I was walking down the street after leaving the pharmacy and noticed a casket was chasing me. Well all I had was a bottle off cough syrup so I threw it at the casket...

...and then the coffin stopped.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Scamperillium
πŸ“…︎ Sep 15 2020
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My wife changed our cereal from Cheerios to Frosties, and I only noticed this morning

I felt a little out of the loop on that one

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Egreaves14
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I was waiting at the airport baggage carousel, and noticed that everyone else had a better bag than me.

It was ....the worst case scenario.

πŸ‘︎ 939
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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I've noticed that my son gets angry whenever he's having a growth spurt.

He has thyroid rage.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bobskimo
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
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I noticed 2 large bumps on my car battery.

I had them tested and one came back positive. Google says it’s terminal.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/CodyClay1
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What did our lord and savior do when He noticed the temple floor was dirty?

Jesus swept.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/42alj
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
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I've noticed I have been saying "mucho" more when speaking with my Hispanic friends...

It means a lot to them.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/hackmycomputer
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Notice the hand gesture [OC]
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sappydayz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
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My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers

I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pawpaw69420
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
How did a musician steal from a bank without being noticed?

He took notes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Soulfox1988
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
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Why did the Cows return to the marijuana field?

It was the pot calling the cattle back.

Edit: Thank you for the awards.

I was expecting this to go noticed like most of my other posts. You peeps rock!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TrikkWikkid5150
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2021
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I was pouring morning coffee from our bodem and my wife noticed I poured mine first and asked why

I told her this way, she won’t have any grounds for divorce.

Now give me my 7 upvotes

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πŸ‘€︎ u/sprintbooks
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Gerald, a young bull elephant was using the bathroom at his girlfriend's Bethany's apartment when he noticed one of those little pregnancy test things, tucked behind the cupboard...

... he picked it up carefully with his trunk and peered at the little window with a racing heart...

Positive! ... Brenda was pregnant!

OMG... fear, excitement, shock... and yet more worrying "why hasn't she told me?"

A hundred scenarios raced through his head, his ears trembling, his trunk twitching as each played out...

Finally he calmed... maybe she was waiting for the right moment to tell him the news?

He chose to be patient... he watched her carefully the whole day, carefully avoiding anything that might show that he knew... but Bethany gave no hints whatsoever.

Several days went by, and he grew more and more anxious.

Finally, he could take it no longer...

"Bethany..." he said

"It's time we discussed the elephant in the womb".

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πŸ‘€︎ u/fractiousrhubarb
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
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A man takes his seat at a football world cup final. He looks to his left and notices that there is a spare seat between himself and the next guy.

MAN: "Who would ever miss the world cup final?"

GUY: "That was my wifes seat. We have been to the last five world cup finals together, but sadly she passed away."

MAN: "That's terrible, but couldn't you have brought another family member, friend or someone else with you?"

GUY: "No...They are all at her Funeral!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
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While driving down in a part of town we don't usually visit, my 12yo son noticed and mentioned a barber shop named Roman Palace.

I told him they only do Caesar cuts.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/mwdavisii
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I was on a train when I noticed a bully nearby who were harassing another guy sitting next to me. The bully then shoved the other guy, who bumped into my hand. I got up, punched the bully and said "Not on my watch...

..it's a brand-new Rolex."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/wIXMamamama
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2020
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You ever notice how few Deloreans you see on the road?

I guess their owners only drive them from time to time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/scrambledeggsalad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
If you notice cows sleeping in a field

does that mean it's pasture bedtime?

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TroyExplores
πŸ“…︎ Nov 09 2020
🚨︎ report

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