Tomorrow night the Reindeer will be working for Santa against their will...

They've been forced into sleighvery.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Kerlandays
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Last night I dreamt about working out and having big arms.

But those were just pipe dreams

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DonyKing
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
β€ͺI regret quitting my job at the factory that made night wear for felines. I thought I was allergic to to some of the material we were working with. ‬ β€ͺ

But it turns out it wasn’t the cat’s pyjamas

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/allanon101
πŸ“…︎ Jan 04 2020
🚨︎ report
Euler didn't have a problem with working on his calculations all night

but the aftermath was pretty bad.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rasberryshy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
🚨︎ report
I recently switched from working nights to working days, it's weird

It's like I'm seeing things in a different light

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fullmiz
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I've been working day an night in a chicken farm

and now I am eggsausted

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joseph_yau
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Nailed my brother with an excellent wood working pun on Sunday night.

He was over for dinner, asking me about making a simple wooden box. Once he's finished describing what he wants to do and how he thinks he'll do it I reply with "Yeah, that wood work".

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BountyHNZ
πŸ“…︎ Jul 06 2015
🚨︎ report
A mechanic is working late one night when a man walks into his shop.

Man: "Can you help me? I think I'm a moth." Mechanic: "I'm a mechanic. You need a psychiatrist." Man: "Yeah, I know." Mechanic: "Well, why did you come here then?" Man: "Your light was on."

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MacieTheBulldog
πŸ“…︎ May 19 2017
🚨︎ report
Dad's working nights right now. I wish I could say that this is the only dadjokey thing he's done.

http://imgur.com/8EInC07

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2014
🚨︎ report
I was working the ticket drop at the movie theater last night...

Dad spends 35 dollars on tickets for him and his family to see Divergent.

As the group approaches the ticket drop, I hear the dad ask the mom what half of 35 is. She says "17 and half" and the dad gets this big shit eating grin. I rip their ticket stubs and the dad puts on a serious face and says "All right, I'd like $17.50 back please."

The whole family proceeds to groan and tell him to stop as I reluctantly play along and pretend to find some cash.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gurame21
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2014
🚨︎ report
I was so excited to work this morning that last night I slept like a baby.

I woke up every 2 hours and cried.

πŸ‘︎ 95
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TempleOfBone
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Sitting in the ER with my son last night, he got me with this one. I was trying to lift his spirits and was pointing out all the crazy equipment they have in the room. I said "Oh look. They have tongue depressers." He says "Those won't work on me." I asked why and he says...

"I'm on antidepressants."

He's going in for surgery at 3:30pm Pacific. All your positive thoughts and prayers are appreciated.

Edit: Thank you all for the kind words and omg for the gold! He's out of surgery and looks to be recovering nicely. All your well wishes helped cheer him and his parents up.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thebikerdad
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2019
🚨︎ report
I work nights so I sleep during the day.

I daydream.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the politician who came home late at night after a hard day at work?

He was Satired'

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/orschinparjin
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I’m on a trip for work and my girlfriend sent me this last night.
πŸ‘︎ 116
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nathantheman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
🚨︎ report
If girls with big boobs work at The Hooters, where do the girls with only one leg work?

IHOP

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/s1_amit
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I work at a hardware store with a saw. The manager says, β€œlumber is going to hate me! I fixed the saw last night.”

Queue me enthusiastically from my desk, β€œso what you’re saying is, you saw’ved all their problems?!”

They hate my humor.

πŸ‘︎ 58
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mapkar
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2018
🚨︎ report
Wife called me at work and said she was throwing some steaks in the pan for dinner last night.

I said, what happens if your throw misses? Do they become miss-steaks? Wife hung up the phone.

(True story, actually happened. )

πŸ‘︎ 507
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Liquidlino1978
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2016
🚨︎ report
Why didn't the teddy bear eat any dinner?

They were already stuffed!

πŸ‘︎ 107
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/WillKay10
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A man named Dave. Long joke!

A man named Dave comes home very drunk late at night...

So this guy has been drinking with his buddies all night and he's as drunk as a skunk, gets home, falls up the stairs, undresses and goes to bed next to his wife. He falls asleep and next thing he knows, bang, he dies and finds himself waiting at the pearly gates.

The guy refuses to believe this is happening, he says to St. Peter: "This can't be possible, I'm a healthy man! This is not the way I die. You have to let me return down there!"
The guy can see St. Peter looks like he's feeling sorry for him, but he tells him that unfortunately, there's no policy for allowing people back on Earth. The guy insists: "But come on, there's got to be something you can do! I'll put up with anything, really, as long as you let me go back down."
So St. Peters tells him: "Well really, there's just this one possibility: you can go back, but only as a hen. That's the only thing we can allow." The guy guesses that this really is his only chance, so he agrees reluctantly.
So he's back on Earth in this beautiful chicken coop, the sun is shining, there's green grass everywhere, this is hen paradise. The other hens greet him with delight and he tells them his story, everything goes nicely. But then he feels kind of unwell, there's something wrong with his stomach. He asks this old hen: "Tell me, I've got this weird feeling in my belly, I'm not too well. What is happening to me?"

The old hen: "Well dearie, we hens lay eggs, you know. I bet you've never laid a nice egg before... You need to push it out now, and you'll feel much better after!"
So the guy pushes and pushes, and wham, out pops his first egg. The old hen congratulates him and he feels much better. But not 5 minutes later, his pain comes back. He returns to the old hen for advice.

"Well dearie, it's quite special but it happens that you need to lay TWO eggs, so go back there and keep pushing!"
So he goes back to his nest and pushes, and nothing comes, and he pushes harder, and wham, out comes his second egg! He feels much better, but not 2 minutes later, you guessed it, he's back in terrible pain and goes to see the old hen.

"What's this bullshit here, and don't tell me I've got a third egg to lay!" The old hen can't make head or tail of it and just tells him that when in doubt, he should be pushing. So the guy goes back to work and then, wham, his wife wakes him up with this smashing slap in the face and yells: "*Dave! Dave wake up you’re

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kmaff90
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
This guy’s walking home from work, really late, in the pitch black of night...

There isn’t another soul on the street.

Suddenly, from out of the gloom, comes an ominous bump...bump…bump.

He looks behind him and spots a furtive, shadowy thing coming down the street after him.

Unnerved, he picks up his pace, finally breaking into a panicked run.

He looks behind him again, and the shadow is closer.

Bump…bump…bump.

The glow of a streetlight illuminates the shadow momentarily, and, to the man’s horror, it is a coffin, bumping down the sidewalk.

He quickens his pace, running as fast as he can go, but the coffin only pursues more quickly.

BUMP…BUMP…BUMP!

He reaches his house, fumbles frantically for his keys, and slips in the door just as the coffin reaches his front steps.

He slams the door and leans against it, catching his breath.

Bump…bump…bump.

There is a moment’s silence, and the man wonders if he dares to breathe.

Suddenly…. Bump…bump…bump…Bump…

BUMP! BUMP!

BUMPBUMPBUMPCRAAAAASH!!!!

He rebounds away as the door breaks off its hinges.

Scrambling to his feet, he charges up the stairs, and the coffin races after.

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP!

Terrified, he backs into a corner and starts throwing everything within reach at the coffin β€” a handful of papers, a vase, a box of crackers, a lamp β€” but the coffin keeps coming!

BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP BUMP INCHESFROMHISFACE, and nothing seems to slow it down!

His hands fall upon a bottle of cough syrup, and he throws that at the coffin, too!

The coffin stops.

πŸ‘︎ 205
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2016
🚨︎ report
As a lumberjack, I know that I’ve cut exactly 2,417 trees. I know because every time I cut one, I keep a log.
πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ruchi565
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2019
🚨︎ report
At work last night, we found a lost set of keys. The only identifiable information on them was a little metal bobble that read, "Eaves."

I told my coworkers to be on the lookout for an eavesdropper.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ihavespaceballs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 19 2017
🚨︎ report
I just finished reading the 17th century novel by Miguel de Cervantes about an ass who works lots of extra night shifts...

It was called Donkey O.T.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BeardFM
πŸ“…︎ Apr 20 2017
🚨︎ report
After a hard day's/night's space work,
πŸ‘︎ 198
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/garyphuckingoak
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2014
🚨︎ report
You wouldn't believe what I saw on my way home from work last night.

Okay so I get off at 4:00 and I didn't waste any time leaving the office. Shut down my computer, grabbed my keys, and I was on the road by 4:05. It had been a pretty crazy day and I was ready to get home.

As I'm driving home I notice I'm running on Empty. I probably could have made it home but I was really craving a Coca Cola so I decide to stop at the nearest gas station.

Anyways I'm filling my tank I see an old lady a few gas pumps away putting gas in her old beat up station wagon but didn't really think anything of it and just continued to enjoy my icey cold Coca Cola.

Next thing I know I see this old lady holding the gas pump nozzle spewing gas everywhere. I guess she had taken the nozzle out of the vehicle w out disengaging the automatic trigger or whatever but it went EVERYWHERE. Her car, her arms, the ground, all over the place and by the time she got that thing to stop spraying there was at least a gallon of gas everywhere.

So I immediately run over to see if she's okay and she smells like straight up gas. I gave her napkins to dry off her hands and to clean what gas was spilled on the car. She said she was okay and thanked me for my help so I leave and head home.

So now I'm a few blocks from home, driving over the last hill right before my next turn and all of a sudden, almost out of nowhere, she comes flyin past me in that same old beat up station wagon with, I shit you not, her arm CAUGHT ON FIRE. And as if that's not bad enough there are two cops right behind her in hot pursuit. So while I'm freaking out trying to pull over to the side she zooms past so fast I barely catch a glimpse of her frantically flailing her arm out the window as they all go over the hill.

At that point couldn't believe what I was seeing it was just too crazy. So I quickly get back on the road and make my way over the hill and I spot her. She's pulled over in the emergency lane. I see the same old lady being handcuffed and put in the back of the squad car.

Yeah turns out she was arrested for waiving a fire arm in public.

Β―_(ツ)_/Β―

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2015
🚨︎ report
I was complaining about being scheduled to work the night of the Superbowl...

Me- "Ugh, I cant believe I have to work during the Superbowl."

Dad- "Yeah well so do all those football players."

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/_Just_Dont_PM_Me_
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2016
🚨︎ report
Made a payday joke to my team at work last night while handing out check stubs.

While handing out my teams paycheck stubs at work I told everyone to "Enjoy your checks while they last, you won't be getting paid for the rest of the year!"

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HobbyLobbyAtheist
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2015
🚨︎ report
The ultimate Dad Joke - Bulgarian Train Man

This has been my favourite joke for at least a couple years now.

A man drives train in Bulgaria. One day, he falls asleep driving, and runs over someone walking on the tracks. Well, his case goes to court, and he gets the death sentence for murder. So, he's on death row and the executioner approaches him.

"What would you like for your last meal?"

"I would like a banana please."

The executioner thinks it's weird, but shrugs and gives him a banana. The guy eats his banana, waits awhile, and gets strapped into the electric chair. When the flip the switch, nothing happens! In Bulgaria, an act of divine intervention means you get released.

A few months go by, and the train driver has been working for a new company. Well, old habits die hard, and he falls asleep again, killing 2 people this time. The court has no patience for recklessness, so he ends up on death row again. After awhile, the same executioner from last time approaches him.

"You again? Shit. What do you want this time?"

"Two bananas please."

The executioner shrugs and hands him two bananas. A bit weird, but whatever. There's no way he can cheat death twice! But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again. The train driver walks a second time.

Some time passes, and the executioner is very busy. After another few months, the same dude shows up, apparently having run over 3 people with a train. Exacberated, the executioner approaches him for the third time.

"Let me guess. Three bananas?"

"Actually yes! How did you know?"

"Top bad! This has gone on long enough. No more bananas! Today you fry."

So, the train driver gets strapped into the chair with no last meal. But, when they flip the switch, nothing happens again.

"I dont get it," says the executioner. "I didnt let you eat any bananas!"

"Its not the bananas. I'm a bad conductor."

Edit: Thanks for the Gold stranger! Edit: And Silver!

πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/QuiltedButts
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2018
🚨︎ report
So I dad joked a couple at work last night

I'm a server at a local restaurant. A couple came in and both of them ordered fish and chips. As I'm bringing it out to them, the wife says, "Holy mackerel, that's a lot of food!" I responded with, "Actually, we use cod instead, but it's delicious nonetheless." They didn't realize what happened until I scurried away giggling.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2014
🚨︎ report
Audience member at work last night: Why did nobody buy Rudolph or Prancer?

"Because they were too deer."

Our entire staffing pool cringed.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Ross6505
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2015
🚨︎ report
Some other works include Romeow and Julipet, The Winter’s Tail and A Midsummer Night’s Cream imgur.com/FD8akdp
πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Morris_Less
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2014
🚨︎ report
After getting married, the woman filed for divorce the very next morning...........

Judge: "I don't understand, what happened?"

Woman: "I work in a pharmacy. I met him when he first came there last week and asked to purchase an X-X-X-X-L condom. That's when I thought, for a happy pleasureful life, I should get him to marry me before any other girls find out and lap him up."

Judge: "ok.... then? "

Woman: "I held my excitement all day thru the wedding, waiting for the night..... so at night when I my curiosity couldn't wait any longer........I found out something."

Judge: "what?"

Woman: "the Bastard has speech disorder.... he STAMMERS!!"

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ball5deeper
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
The Dad , the Daughter and her prayers.

A father is listening to his daughter say her prayers before bed. The daughter says β€œGod bless Mummy and God Bless Daddy and God bless Grandma and good bye Grandad.” The father says, β€œGood bye Grandad? Why is that?” The daughter says, β€œJust because I felt like it.” The next day, Grandad drops dead. The father can’t believe the coincidence, but decided not to question it. That night, he listens to the daughter’s prayers again. She says, β€œGod bless Mummy and God bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma.” The father is shocked again and asks his daughter why, but she says again, β€œJust because I felt like it.” The next day, the Grandma drops dead and now the Father is getting worried but doesn’t know what to do, so he tries to forget about it. That night, he listens to his daughter again and she says, β€œGod bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy.” The father is now terrified and goes to work the next day sweating, cancels all of his meetings, and hides in his office for the whole day. He doesn’t go home and stays there until midnight. He’s very surprised. β€˜I’ve cheated death!’ he thinks to himself, then rushes home. His wife asks, β€œWhere have you been?!” and the husband says, β€œOh don’t ask me any questions, today’s been miserable.” The wife replies, β€œYour days been miserable? Well, listen to my day! Firstly, the milk man drops dead on the porch…”

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HereIsAFookinName
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2020
🚨︎ report
Night Porter at work with my favourite dadjoke of all time

Receptionist at work had gone to get a glass of water from the bar. As she came around the corner stephen(the night Porter) was coming around at the same time. Startled, she said "oh jesus!" And without missing a beat he said "no, Stephen" and carried on walking. My admiration of the man rocketed.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/steezy1337
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2016
🚨︎ report
The day has 24 hours. If we cant finish our work, we still have the night.

A saying of my father a frontpage post inspired me to share.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/klanawagna
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2015
🚨︎ report
After a hard night of work...

ME: Dad I can't feel my hands.

DAD: Then get someone else to do it.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NomBiter
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad came home from work alittle late last night

He walks in the door and says he just got into a car accident and said he was rear ended by a little person. The little person walks up to his car and my dad opens the window. He says "im not happy" and my dad responds "so which one are you"

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sillymatt114
πŸ“…︎ Mar 16 2014
🚨︎ report
Got dad joked at work Friday night (x-post from r/tales from your server)

Had a table consisting of a mom, dad and a little boy. Dad is reading the beer list (which is all local stuff, including a Bridgeport I.P.A) and he says "oh, you have the Canadian Bridgeport, I'll have that." To which I reply "um, the Bridgeport is an american beer sir."

"No, it's an I.P., eh."

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RangerSkip
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2014
🚨︎ report
So my wife...

Was trying to figure out how to use her new iPhone to shoot photos at night using night mode. She gave me the phone and said, here figure this out. I took the phone and pushed one button, and voila, night mode. She looks at me at this point and says, how did you know that would work? My reply...

I don’t know, I was just taking a shot in the dark.

Mic drop.

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/velopike
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2020
🚨︎ report
Fascinate

A class of third graders are sitting down at their desks one morning when their teacher walks in.

β€œGood morning class, today we’ll be working on our English. Can someone use the word Fascinate in a sentence for me?”

Little girl in the front row raises her hand high, squirming in her seat. β€œThe stars last night were fascinating.”

Teacher looks at her and says,”Close, I want you to use the word Fascinate.”

A boy near the middle of the room stands up and says,”I’m fascinated by the ocean and it’s creatures.”

β€œThat’s still not the answer I’m looking for.” The teacher says. β€œCan anyone give me an example of Fascinate in a sentence.”

A quiet boy in the back stands up, clears his throat and says,”My grandmother came over last night wearing her new dress. It has ten buttons in the the front but her boobies are so big she can only fasten eight of them.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LiCill666
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Groundhog Day

Not completely sure this is a dadjoke but it sure got the same reaction. This happened about two years ago.

My wife used to work nights and on Friday and Saturday after she went to work, my then-12yo son and I would often watch a movie together. Sometimes he picked, usually it was a movie from The List, movies I liked when I was his age, things that shaped my sense of humor. I want him to be able to recognize the stupid quotes and references I throw at him. It’s his cultural education.

So we settled in for Groundhog Day. I’m a sucker for time travel shenanigans. Finished it up, he enjoyed it, and the next morning he was off to Boy Scout camp for a week.

He came back, we’re all excited to see him, and I tell him I got Groundhog Day 2 from Netflix. Threw it in the DVD player and we got about 20 minutes into before he looked at me and said β€œthis is just Groundhog Day all over again, isn’t it? There is no Groundhog Day 2.”

So worth an extra week hanging onto the disc.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shellexyz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2020
🚨︎ report
This Sacramento comedy show is basically a pun-themed rap battle

A few years ago, we started a show that I quite frankly never thought would work.

Nearly four years later, including two sold out appearances at San Francisco Sketchfest and a local TV featurette, our show "Capitol PUNishment" is now streaming on Twitch Friday night at 8:30pm PST.

I hope it's ok to post this in here. If not, feel free to remove with no hard feelings. Just encouraging pun lovers to check out what is best described as "a fast-paced, in-the-moment spectacle that combines everything you love about gameshows, rap-battles, and "dad" jokes, into a unique and hilarious competitive format."

Our channel is twitch.tv/capitolpuns
Here's a little video to help paint the picture: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C2RE9PgmfXo

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/capitolpuns
πŸ“…︎ Apr 15 2020
🚨︎ report
I heard a story once about a train driver.

He was operating a late night train and fell asleep at the controls. He ended up failing to recognise a stop sign and as a result his train hit a person and killed them immediately. He was tried for manslaughter and sentenced to the electric chair. Just before being put in the chair, he was given the choice of final meal and chose a single banana, oddly. His time came and he was placed into the chair, the room vacated and then the switch was thrown.

But... Nothing. No sparks, no burning, nothing. They checked the machine and it was working fine, it just seemed not to harm him. The state law meant that, legally, his sentence had been carried out and he was free to go. He walked away a free man, and actually got another job as a train driver.

Sadly, almost exactly the same thing happened again. This time his negligence killed two kids playing around on the tracks when again he'd fallen asleep and failed to stop the train in time. Hauled before the courts again, he got exactly the same sentence - the electric chair. He was asked again for his final meal, chose two bananas this time, and his sentence was carried out again.

And yet again, he didn't die. In fact, he was entirely unharmed. The state law remained the same, so he was let out again, where - somehow - he got another job with another train company. I guess it was the only job he was trained for (pardon the pun). Anyway, this time he did much better and worked hard to stay awake during his late shifts. But sure enough, eventually he slipped back in to old habits and this time killed five people - a family trying to free their dog stuck in the tracks.

Once again he faced a jury, once again they found him guilty and a judge sentenced him to the electric chair. This time he asked for 5 bananas, but the guard was wiley - he has read about this man and how he always had bananas before his sentence was carried out, and so this time (with a grin, it's said) he brought the train driver 5 apples instead. The guilty man plead and begged for bananas, but the guard claimed it was an honest mistake but too late to change now.

The man was lead for a third time to the electric chair. His head was wetted, his arms strapped in, and the guard eyed him with something between wonder and fear. Finally the room was vacated and the switch thrown. Surely this time the machine would do its job? With the process finished, the guard ran back into the room, only to find the man still alive and looking entirely healthy. "I do

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/homelesspancake
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2019
🚨︎ report
514 Dad Jokes

What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta.

I would avoid the sushi if I was you. It’s a little fishy.

Want to hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.

Why did the cookie cry? Because his father was a wafer so long!

I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.

What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.

How do you organize an outer space party? You planet.

I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

Do you know where you can get chicken broth in bulk? The stock market.

I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have greater problems.

My cat was just sick on the carpet, I don’t think it’s feline well.

Why did the octopus beat the shark in a fight? Because it was well armed.

How much does a hipster weigh? An instagram.

What did daddy spider say to baby spider? You spend too much time on the web.

Atheism is a non-prophet organisation.

There’s a new type of broom out, it’s sweeping the nation.

What cheese can never be yours? Nacho cheese.

What did the Buffalo say to his little boy when he dropped him off at school? Bison.

Have you ever heard of a music group called Cellophane? They mostly wrap.

Why does Superman gets invited to dinners? Because he is a Supperhero.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention.

A scarecrow says, "This job isn't for everyone, but hay, it's in my jeans."

A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "Make me one with everything."

Did you hear about the guy who lost the left side of his body? He's alright now.

What do you call a girl with one leg that's shorter than the other? Ilene.

I did a theatrical performance on puns. It was a play on words.

What do you do with a dead chemist? You barium.

I bet the person who created the door knocker won a Nobel prize.

Towels can’t tell jokes. They have a dry sense of humor.

Two birds are sitting on a perch and one says "Do you smell fish?"

Do you know sign language? You should learn it, it’s pretty handy.

What do you call a beautiful pumpkin? GOURDgeous.

Why did one banana spy on the other? Because she was appealing.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with two legs? Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with all of its legs? High steaks.

A cross eyed teacher couldn’t control his pupils.

After the accident, the juggler didn

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 81
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Josvys
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
A man with a gold claim in Alaska was cursed.

At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.

One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.

The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.

The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.

In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.

A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.

The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.

After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.

The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
🚨︎ report
There's an onion, and he's studying law at a prestigious college. He's in his third year, and after a particularly tough day, he gets an invite from one of his onion-friends to a party they're having that evening.

Being tired and weary, the lawyer-onion isn't sure whether to go, but decides he needs cheering up.

So he dresses smartly, puts on his favorite aftershave and heads over to his friend's.

He gets to the party to find it quite a packed affair and heads over to the bar - fighting through crowds of reveller-onions - to get a drink.

As he gets to the bar, he notices in one corner a slightly out-of-place female onion.

She looks a bit sad and being the compassionate onion that he is, he heads over to talk to her.

This is quickly affirmed as a good move, as they hit it off immediately; she was abandoned by her friends shortly after arriving and had been minding her own business ever since, but over a night of drinks and talking, they quickly fall into an infatuation and soon end up spending an oniony night of passion together.

When they awake in the morning, they don't find it awkward and a steady relationship between the two is struck.

This lasts a good while, having its ups and downs like any college relationship, but eventually the day comes when they both graduate.

The two couldn't be happier!

They both get jobs close to one another and move into an apartment together.

One day, the partner-onion is anxiously awaiting the lawyer-onion at home.

She's been ill all day and checking has confirmed her suspicions.

She tearfully - and joyfully - breaks the news to the lawyer-onion; they're going to have a tiny baby-onion together.

A shallot, if you will.

A few days later, this prompts the lawyer-onion to propose to his heretofore girlfriend-onion.

They are soon wed, having a fantastic wedding-day and husband and wife-onions are on top of the world.

The day comes of the birth and no complications - a tiny, healthy baby onion is born to two proud parents.

Seeing this little bundle of oniony love in their arms causes them to fall deeper in love than ever.

Over the next few years, husband-and-wife-onions' lives are fantastic.

He's prospering at work, she's really enjoying taking some time to raise the baby-onion and over time the baby-onion grows into a hale and hearty toddler-onion, who then becomes a child-onion.

One day, the idyll of the onions' lives is shattered when tragedy strikes.

The lawyer-onion (now a partner-onion in a prestigious law firm due to chance and hard work) is at work, and mother-onion is washing dishes and watching her child play in the yard.

She glances away to take another plate and turns her vision back to

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2019
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.