Coming soon to a theater near you
Just had about a dozen crows land in a tree near me
I'm getting real sick of this Corvid pandemic.
My brother ran up to photograph a cow near a cliff
He said it was 'ledge and dairy.'
Remake of Alien coming to cinemas near you!
There's a caterpillar near the flower
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
After running it for nearly 30 years, my dad just sold our family owned Jewish deli.
I can't believe he gave up the lox, stocks and barrel.
They demolished an abandoned industrial complex near me recently and now I can't smell.
They must have destroyed my old factory senses.
The graveyard near my town is really crowded...
People are just dying to get in
A man came back to his home one day to find his relatives crying near the house
He asked what was wrong and they told him that his wife had died and that they were preparing to bury her.
The man replied: "that's grave news!"
TIL that the deepest part of the ocean is nearly 7 miles
I won't let my daughter near ducks...
Due to their fowl language
Nearly Headless Nick had such potential to be a great character
But he was so badly executed.
I'll never walk down the hall, outside the church, near the courtyard...
With the holidays near, to set a festive atmosphere at your table, be sure you have a shiny chrome plate to hold your condiment sauce. Why?
Because there is no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
Since they are filming Spider-Man 3 near my house, I thought I’d write the lead actor an orchestral piece...
I think I’ll call it “Mr. Holland’s Opus”
A horse walks into a bar and sits at a stool near the bartender. The bartender goes "Hi Horse, what can I get for you today?"
The horse looks at the bartender and says "Hey"
The Italian chef that lived near me pasta way :'(
My dad: don't go near those trees
Me: why
My dad: they're shady
Where did the shepherd take his sheep after it got lost and nearly died of hypothermia?
Did you know that all bees are born near the ocean?
Just happened: my contractor broke a window during our nearly complete renovation
He turned to me and said it's no problem. At this stage it's just a pane.
Coming soon to a theater near you
Is it safe to say the people employed near Big Ben in London are....
....working around the clock?
A bar near me has an event once a week where a guy called Michael freely allows the customers to perform surgery on him...
The store near me is having a sale on batteries.
If you buy two packs, they'll throw in a pack of dead ones, free of charge.
Damn near had a threesome last night
Just needed two more people
I submitted nearly a dozen entries to a dad joke competition, hoping one would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
A salesman said his windows were unbreakable, so I punched one. That hurt, but not nearly as much as the window falling off the display and landing on my head. Unfortunately I can't sue...
...they were advertised as double-pain windows after all.
A proctologist hurt his eardrums at a rock concert
In fact, he nearly rectum
Im near sighted and tone deaf
I can’t C sharp, but I am the dad of A minor,
That boy is nothing but treble.
Why should you write “republican” in lower case?
Because they don’t deserve to be anywhere near the capital.
My wife and I were walking into the supermarket when we saw cherries prominently displayed near the entrance.
Looking at the price, I said to her, "Damn, they're cherribly expensive!".
Why do seagulls live near the sea?
If they lived by the bay, they'd be baygulls
On the news: “nearly 29,000 women have their breast implants removed every year”
Me, to my wife: “that’s stupid. I would think most women only need to have them removed once!”
I've never been married....
But, I've had a few near Mrs.
The Harry Potter films were really good, but I think nearly headless Nick was poorly executed
What did they yell at Edgar Allen Poe when he nearly walked into a tree?
I wanted to ride horses so I went to a ranch near me.
When I asked if they have riding lessons they said neigh.
He nearly got away with it....
I nearly got into a fight with a guy at the transplant ward.
"Do you want a piece of me?" I asked him.
Did you hear about the near sighted construction worker who lost his glasses?
He really fell into his work.
I live near an atomic shelter and in my encounters with it, it never lied and always kept its word
Now that's what I call structural integrity
Why does my wife always check the kids temperature when they're sick?
Because the therdadeter doesn't work near as well.
Dad Jokes
WHAT DO A NEAR SIGHTED GYNECOLOGIST AND A DOG HAVE IN COMMON?
A wet nose
Yesterday, I had a near sex experience.
I saw my wife flash before my eyes.
I have never been married...
But, I've had a few near Mrs.
I've never been married
but I've had a few near Mrs.
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