Mine Workings Puns

He’ll be ok though, it was just a minor injury.

He's gonna be okay. It was just a miner injury.

So he had to make every second Count.

He’s recently taken up creating art as a hobby. He started with painting, but he seems to prefer Claymore.

He was strapped for cash

It's called "Coal Miner's Daughter's Daughter's Coal Mine Mind"

All you hear is “ore ore ore”.

I said, "it has its ups and downs."

I really miss him, he was the coalest man I knew

His boss said keeping him on made no scents.

He forgot to pick up his pillow casings.

I suppose he'll be getting severance pay.

I walked over to him and said, " Hey! haven't seen you in a really long time! Let's Ketchup!"

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

And my 10 year old son, completely deadpan, tells me

‘Dad, I knew that story wasn’t real because you don’t have any friends’

👻👻💀💀☠️☠️ It took me a solid 5 minutes to stop laughing.

I have achieved Dad level 10 at raising my kids

When he came in the next day, his face was purple. His co-workers told him he shouldn’t beet himself up.

Album here: http://imgur.com/a/yc3yJ

Home alone

A work colleague of mine, Ted, was recently caught stealing work supplies for his brother Grant. Which was a shame because I'd told him it would happen if he kept it up. Only the day before he was caught I told him "You can't keep taking these things for Grant, Ted!"

When she arrived at the zoo she went to see her manager and asked what she should do, the manager told her to first go feed the sharks, so she went off to feed them. Whilst she was shovelling the food into the pool a shark jumped out of the water and tried to bite her, as a reflex she hit the shark with the spade and the shark died. Worried about losing her job this soon the woman started brainstorming what to do, eventually she decided to feed the dead shark to the lions thereby removing all evidence and so that is what she did. Shaken but glad she had avoided detection the women went back to see her manager and asked if there was anything else that needed doing, she was told to go and clean out the monkey cage.. So off the woman went with a wheelbarrow and shovel to clean out the cage, as she was shovelling the poop into the barrow a monkey jumped down from the tree towards her! As a reflex reaction the women smashed the monkey with the spade and it lay dead. Thankfully she knew just what to do and so she threw the monkey into the lion cage. Shaken and ready to go home by now, the women went to see if there were any final jobs that needed doing: she was tasked with collecting the honey from the bees. So she got changed into her protective gear however she forgot to tuck in the back of her shirt so when it came to doing the bees, one particularly large bee came and stung her right on the behind! The woman screamed and started whacking the bees until many lay dead. By now she didn’t even have to think.. she collected the dead bees and threw them in the lion cage before going home for a quiet evening.

The next day there was a new lion in the lion cage. The new lion said to the other lions “so what’s the food like here??” The other lions responded...

“Actually it’s quite good. Yesterday we had FISH, CHIMPS and MUSHY BEES!”

Save them to your Phone and always have witty jokes at the palm of your hand.

3.14 percent of sailors are pi-rates.

5/4 of people admit they’re bad at fractions.

A bartender broke up with her boyfriend, but he kept asking her for another shot.

A brain walks into a bar and takes a seat. “I’d like some wings and a pint of beer, please,” it says. “Sorry, but I can’t serve you,” the bartender replies. “You’re out of your head.”

A cheeseburger walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'Sorry, we don't serve food here.'

A college education now costs $100,000, but it produces three very proud people: the student, his mama, and his pauper.

A couple of cups of yogurt walk into a country club. “We don’t serve your kind here,” the bartender says. “Why not?” one yogurt asks. “We’re cultured.”

A friend of mine didn’t pay his exorcist. He got repossessed.

A friend of mine is known for sweeping girls off their feet. He’s an extremely aggressive janitor.

A guy walks into a bar, and there’s a horse serving drinks. The horse asks, “What are you staring at? Haven’t you ever seen a horse tending bar before?” The guy says, “It’s not that. I just never thought the parrot would sell the place.”

A guy walks into a bar...and he was disqualified from the limbo contest.

A pirate walks into a bar with a paper towel on his head. The bartender says, “What’s with the paper towel?” The pirate says, “Arrr! I’ve got a Bounty on me head!”

A turtle is crossing the road when he’s mugged by two snails. When the police ask him what happened, the shaken turtle replies, “I don’t know. It all happened so fast.”

Armed robbers—some say they’re a drain on society, but you’ve got to give it to them.

Barbers…you have to take your hat off to them.

Can February March? No, but April May!

Cooking out this weekend? Don’t forget the pickle. It’s kind of a big dill.

Dad, can you put my shoes on? No, I don't think they'll fit me.

Dad, can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire.

Dad, did you get a haircut? No, I got them all cut!

Dad: Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? Son: No. What happened? Dad: The teacher woke him up.

Daughter: I have a lot of friends named Nathan. There’s Nathan Miller, Nathan Radcliff, Nathan Lewis… Me: When they are together, do you call them the United Nathans?

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head!

Did you hear about the aquatic sea mammals that escape

He said no. Minors are below average.

Myra Maines

The funeral service will be held tomorrow at 4:15, 5:20, 6:40 and 7:30.

He was charged with man slaughter.

Because for him, it was rock bottom.

"C", he replied.

..and I let all my guest walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".

He and I are constantly messaging/texting each other puns/dad jokes all the time, so he decided to take it up a notch for Christmas: http://i.imgur.com/adLQdap.jpg

EDIT: The bag is sugar by the way. Guess who's bringing in lemonade after the weekend.

She said: “The dishes need to be washed, the laundry needs to be done, the toilet needs to be scrubbed…”

There was gold in them/their hills!

I was working with the 4 yearolds with one of my supervisors. We we're building puzzles when one of the kids walks up to my supervisor.

Kid 1: (Insert supervisor name), I'm thirsty.

Supervisor: Hello Thirsty.

Kid 2: No I think he wants a drink from the water fountain.

Supervisor: Oh is that what Thirsty wants?

Kid 2: Yeah.

Supervisor: Ok go get a drink Thirsty.

He worked in the olfactory downtown.

its the thought that counts

So he'll be getting sever ance pay.

Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.

It makes scents, when you think about it.

He drives a mustang and was trying to figure out how to get it in his car.

Friend: “How do I get this thing in my car? It’s almost as tall as I am!”

Me: “Guess you’re just gonna have to angle it.”

Friend and everyone in a 30 foot radius: -groan and facepalm-

They're through the roof.

And my boss said: "Don't take it for granite"

Now I'm living in a cottage with 6 dwarves and working in a mine.

Stolen.

A man came in who was "literally the most dad-looking man" my friend had ever seen. He asked for a smoothie, and when my friend asked what kind of protein he wanted, he responded, "I would like whey protein. I like to take my smoothies all the whey."